So my secret is

what's been going on about J.

We kind of see each other and talk to each other and

Today - i was out in the beautiful weather and doing things and that changes my mood. so THEN i thought, I need to ive somewhere where it’s a little warmer and lighter The carolina’s or florida

then i thougth, "oh but i have to work so fucking long because of him"

and then i thought,

HE - who is not making money and is building DEBTwent the fuck to HAWAII last year!

 did he think *I* was going to foot that bill? out of my future? because *I* have worked every fucking day for over 30 years?

 ***Truth is probably not. Probably he believed (s) he will earn it. Or saved for it.

But it is the fact that I even THOUGHT it!

So then i thought - he would have attacked my PENSION!

and 403B!

if i didn't have strong enough lawyer

because "state says"

fuck that! fuck him!

knowing i hated having to work and did it for US!

that piece of shit!

why would i WANT to support him in my future? why wouldi WANT him back? he is disturbed. AND

i deserve someone who appreciates ME -

AND can function

and not someone who isn't sure how he feels about me and could have LEFT ME after taking VOWS

and intending to use MY hard-earned money!!!!

can i EVER respect or trust that person again????????

as soon as it is light and bright out and i am doing things and feeling better, i kind of hate him

this is important

and terrifying!

and

the other side

the flowers are coming up today. the ones he planted for me out of love

and i couldn't move anyway - i can't DO that sort of thing alone

and i ALREADY love him - easier than trying to find someone new - who of course will have their OWN problems too...

but i also felt: i don't love being with HIS family anyway - so a new family would be no worse probably

then again: i am so physically comfortable with him and that's EXTREMELY RARE for me!

writing it out has made me think to word it for him somehow

any advice is appreciated

i am terrified because remember - i was suicidally depressed in dec, and feb, and a couple of days ago!  

so how i feel out free and about on a warm bright day is not full reality either!

i literally forgot to put the soap in the washing maching and ran it

and then

hit my car into my driveway wall!

i am in such a state!!!!!!!-- AND

I have these issues:

3 eye conditions

carotid

weight

blood sugar

stressful job

house desperately needs work and as I was always afraid of, I won’t be able to get it in the fuck order until moving

new anger at J.

not wanting to start over with someone new though either

money issues

terrified of getting divorce – going through that

terrified anew now though of getting back together –

mother’s health

mother’s money issues

all my errands and chores while aging and working so hard

can’t imagine how would ever move alone

So I should at least be easier on myself. It is a LOT to deal with!