Oh God

J came to drop off Ph. I have been fighting my demons and doing some straightening, took mother to bank, have something cooking. This is big for me. But J was here for about an hour. Was just gonna drop off dog but sat a while. Talked about business and I thought that was great because he loves to talk to me about business.
But
then he said two things
1. He's going away next week. Got a thing for a really cheap deal to Texas. So took it and figured he'll prove to himself that he *can* just get away. He'll see the Alamo etc.
Meanwhile, I have asked him about going to Colorado for 5 days with our meditation leader in August. And I have asked about DisneyWorld, which would have been for this week. About both he had said, "I don't need to be away. I don't need to get away. I need to be here, out in the world. Doing."
But now he's going there.
He did say he regretted signing up for it, but that that's all the more reason he *should * do it.
My stomach sort of fell.

And then it really fell.
He had decided not to tell anyone about him staying elsewhere (except the person he's staying with and two other male friends of his).
1. He had left the day after we got very very bad news about my mother's health, and we didn't want her to have a stroke.
2. And *he * said, "I'm not telling anyone."

Now he was hanging around and hanging around and I was wondering why, and he said,
"Two things:
1. We're invited to Easter at my sister's. So if you want to go, bring your mother." I said of course!
And
2. "Can we think about telling her, because I can't stand lying every day. She calls every morning and asks how you're doing. I start every day with a lie."
I said my worries (some unselfish and some selfish about that). That her health is an issue but is no more important than him. And that we have a lot of money we could lose because if she thinks we're in trouble, she will not want to risk something happening to us and "her money" going to you in a settlement, so she will move it out of me altogether. He doesn't see that as an issue because he can't see that she sees me and us, him and me together married, which she does. Anyway he said he would not do it without me but could I please think about it.

Then he said he's tired of always lying. That he is starting to connect back with his family - because of his mother's health situation, and that with his sisters, etc., he says, "Well, just call me on my cell phone. I always have it with me for work..." And he said he's tired of that.

I said to him, "*You* had said, 'I'm not telling anybody.'"
He said, "Well you had asked me not to..." I don't think so! I don't remember it that way at all.

Anyway,
I'm having trouble breathing. Literally. So scared.

Please God help us.

--

I have also begun really learning that no one wants to be with someone who is a nobody - a nothing. Who only comes alive when they are around! People want to be with someone who is okay inside. Who can do the things that need to be done for their own life. And who can entertain themselves. Who have confidence! Really. Whole home feels real, not contrived but also not like a shell.

And I am learning that I've needed to keep the place out of order because to get it in order would mean to have nothing hanging over my head, and to be left to face the emptiness.

I have known these things intellectually. But now I know them experienceially. I know them. I must do them.

Since the -- above, having taken a 5 mg valium *before* that, and since, having finished cooking the pasta fagioli and eaten two cups of it and an now about to finish tea, and having talked before and/or after the -- to my dr., MA, and M,
I am not quite as sick.
It is not over.
He does have to find himself.
I do have to grow.
He does wear his ring. And I mine. We do kiss and hug hello and goodbye. We are going to see his mother together Wednesday. We are sharing Easter together with his family and my mother at his sister's. He was happy to hear about the family bridal shower and my invitation to go there in June. And he *is* trying to do things for himself and I think *is* still open to the feelings coming back.
And I *am* going to lose this weight! And exercise - for fitness and mental health! And clean up this place even if I have to pay someone once or twice. And with my oa and coda programs I must, will, and do have hope.
And I'm not asking him for help with anything. And I'm not asking him to ride around with him and stuff like that although I want to, not only because it would be so bad to him but because it is better for me and my growth.

What a mess.
Please help me, God.
Please help us, God.