I am grateful:
So it’s Sun night, but I’m starting tomorrow’s gratitudes now. Because I have so much gratitude.
I am grateful:
1. That I felt okay. For now. Just a few short minutes ago! And kind of still do (though waiting for phone call because screwed up about jury duty and don’t need sub tomorrow after all…)
2. That I went to the movie with St.
3. That we went for tea afterward
4. That *her * jury had the sense to elect her as foreperson.
5. That I am totally willing to serve.
6. That I prayed with all my heart today. More than once. To God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and to the Blessed Virgin Mary. And she did intercede. And God was with me.
7. That J and my mother and I had such a nice time.
8. And he kissed me like 3 times.
9. And except for once when I interrupted and saw him make that horrible face for a split second, he did not seem angry. God, I hope he wasn’t just acting. But remember: I did feel it was real closer to the situation (as opposed to hours later) and I *am * grateful.
10. And he paid for the lunch. Out of money of his.
11. And he also ordered my book on his ipod thing, and paid for it too.
12. And I thanked him, and said he must feel so good about himself.
13. And he responded nicely.
14. And I did apologize that I rushed in with my co-dependent tendency to try to smooth over yesterday, instead of just hearing him out and sympathizing. And he accepted my apology. And I said, “And that means I will try not to do that again.”
15. That I then paid the 8 dollars for his magazine.
16. And that it was a meditation magazine. That made me happy.
17. That I do believe there truly is still hope. And thank you too, “The Secret.”
18. That we laughed together, even all three of us.
19. And I ate veggies and protein (and bread and oil) but not *so * much, and it was all good for me. Yay.
20. And some unbuttered popcorn at the movie, and not *too * much. And that’s good for me too.
21. And I just had a glass of vanilla almond milk. Yum! It *tastes * like almond vanilla! And has calcium!
22. That I am feeling so much more cheerful now!
23. My mother and I enjoyed our time together looking at the Liz Taylor pictures in the magazines.
24. In fact, every blessed happy minute with my mother.
25. And I found *three * Dell Variety puzzle magazines. Yay.
26. And I feel good about myself for going through with the Chinese food switch because of their mistake the other night.
27. And that they were so great about it.
28. And that: so I now have broccoli with garlic sauce.
29. *And * didn’t just let the money go to waste. That’s a great change.
30. And I also feel good about myself that I went through with the filling my tank tonight.
31. And the finding out where the courthouse is.
32. And calling to try to straighten out the sub thing.
33. J being so funny about the dog biscuits mix-ups. “Ummmm.” “ You * know * you want them.”
34. That I looked cute today.
35. And I felt it.
36. And I had makeup on. (It’s like what the dr said: “Advertise.”)
37. And that J told me I looked good and said, “Have you lost weight?” And that he could see it. (And said like twice that he could see it in my face lol)
38. And that St. loved my hair.
39. And now I’m inspired to buy clothes next week, or soon. And to get in order what I already have (for spring).
40. That I got on my knees and thanked God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and Our Blessed Mother for being with me today.
41. And that Mi did call back, and no sub will come and I will go in tomorrow.
42. That I started reading from the book Mar gave me while I was waiting for the Chinese food
And now the next morning:
43. This morning when I said, “God here I am and here are all my troubles. I’ve made a mess of things and can’t do anything about it. You take me, and all my troubles, and do anything you want with me,” I also said, sincerely, “And thank you for what you’ve done so far.” Growth is slow (for me, anyway), but it is here (coming along) and I am grateful.
44. That I awoke. And that I started this day on my knees. And that I put down yesterday’s extra gratitudes while they were fresh in my mind.
45. That J said I will *not * lose the digitally recorded information by changing the batteries. I *might * double check with Jo, but we’ll see.
46. That I *was * fully ready for jury duty. Especially since I promised God I’d really try
47. When I say, “Take away my difficulties, that I may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, They Love, and Thy Way of Life,” I usually picture the students, friends, stranger-adults… But this morning, I pictured J, and for that I am grateful too.
48. That I’m managing to get done the minimal each day. And sometimes more.
49. And to sleep.. I’m so grateful that I’m managing to sleep
50. And to awaken with the birds.
51. I have a really full day today. Work, curriculum meeting, and going with Ma for her anniversary at oa, which is a far and long meeting. But that’s good in a way.
52. That I get to call L today. I don’t get to on Sundays (his request because is with girlfriend) and in a way that’s good because I can sleep a little late, but I also do miss it.
53. That the birds awakened me again! Yay. So much nicer than the alarm. And I got up literally one minute before it was going to ring.
54. That I’m starting to notice more of the miracles in every day.
55. Like yesterday. Standing outside theater waiting for St and really noticing the beautiful sky with the treetops still mostly bare against it.
56. That there was no visual “fog” at the theater either. It must be the program. The veggies, the sponsorship, the literature, the gratitudes, the mediation, the prayer, the meetings, the plan of eating (abstinence), the telephone even, the writings, service, and anonymity. All these (meditation now, having begun after the fog had started to lift) must be in conjunction somehow doing it.
57. The theater too, was not in a fog. The waiting outside would have been in the past. Like a brave thing. Crazy!
58. The word noble. Funny thing: whenever we’d play the alphabet game, I’d always have difficulty with n. That letter is always hard for me to come up with something for. And yet, there is one of my favorite words: noble.
59. That I’ve suffered/am suffering. It’s hard to believe I’m saying that but I didn’t pay attention until I was suffering enough.
60. And I don’t think I would be empathetic (of course, by definition) or sympathetic, or truly helpful to others if I hadn’t experienced enough suffering. Would be too wound up in myself and some conceit even: ( So I *am * grateful for the suffering. (And will soon have had enough, maybe?)
61. The expression, “Pain is pain.” And all that it means.
62. “Recovery is not resisting the craving. It is being free of it.” In today’s For Today. And I experienced that for a good time last time I was in oa. And sometimes now too! I am so grateful for the times when I am free of the craving. And they are happening more and more.
63. “…until I experience that emancipation, I must act on faith.” Also For Today. Great suggestion!
64. And it says, “My disease – the craving for excess food – has beaten me. But it is no match for the combined forces of my Higher Power, the OA Fellowship and my desire to stop.” Yay. Good.
65. “I get a new chance to make this a happy day.” In today’s In This Moment. Yay.
66. “Yes it is my choice. Do I choose self-pity or do I choose happiness? I get up and put a new CD in my head. CD could be Change Day. Yes! Today I change the message: I’m happy to be alive.” Also in today’s In This Moment. I was afraid of reading it today, and some days lately, because some days it makes me feel a little down. So yesterday I read it before the other two, and today in-between (so it wouldn’t be last). And yet here it was: that gem. I’m grateful for that.
67. “I must be willing to listen with an open mind and an open heart to all who share my compulsion. When I discard a suggestion because I find fault with the messenger it is I who suffer.” Voices of Recovery. It even says, “So many times I have sat in a meeting and discarded the useful suggestions of other members because they were still fat, were bulimic/anorexic, …” And I’m thinking of A and how she has so much physical recovery and really good things to say a lot of the times, but how I discard a lot because she says she’s not recovered inside, not joyous happy and free, and still obsessed with a certain behavior. This answers that. Hmmm. “If I am to reach a level of recovery that frees me to live a life of sane and happy usefulness, I must be willing to listen with an open mind…” Wow. Good.
68. I’m grateful that I remembered to buy coffee Saturday! Lol
69. And that I’m keeping this blog
70. And that I have good, abstinent food for today.
71. And I expect I will definitely sleep tonight.
72. And my book course book will come right to my door.
73. And other people feel the things I do too.
74. And that I first realized that with L.M. when I was in like 7th grade or so and we were standing in her kitchen making salami sandwiches, of all things, and talking about it. Like what goes on in our heads. And realizing that lesson.
75. That as a young girl, I was able to fall asleep holding the hand of a good girlfriend. That that pure and simple friendship was available. Men have told me that boys don’t do that. Like it would seem that they are gay when they’re not… Or weak… I’m glad I got to do it.
76. As my hands are itchy now, it reminds me that I’m grateful that I’m not itchy all the time!
77. And as I often get a song stuck in my head, it reminds me that I’m grateful that I don’t *always * have that. Rob Reiner said he did. Always. Wow.
78. That J so recently asked me to put a few stitches in his blanket.
79. That I think I can crochet again today, yay.
80. My red sailor suit when I was little, like 4. How I loved that suit.
81. My chifferobe when I was little.
82. And my uniforms. It was such a comforting thing to open that chifferobe every day and take out my maroon socks and brown Buster Brown oxfords, and underwear and uniform off the hanger and get dressed for school.
83. Skating and turning that key
84. And my mother calling me in for, “Make Room for Daddy.”
85. That I had so many friends in my little apartment and on my block.
86. And played every day after school.
87. And got outside every day.
88. And that in the schoolyard at recess, we’d put on little plays. That was great.
89. And I was so happy to see my kids doing that the other day
90. And jumping rope. Both. Us when little, and the three the other day.
91. Oh my gosh, and hop-scotch. Hey, aerobic lol.
92. And hearing from Marg in an e-mail yesterday about that special reunion. I’m interested.
93. That I’ve gotten through every Open House I’ve ever done.
94. That I’ve overcome shyness in many of my actions, at least.
95. That I am beginning to find an identity other than the little engine that could type. Or the Saint Bernadette type.
96. That I cared for others even when I was in first grade (remember “pagan babies”)
97. That it’s almost 20 years I haven’t eaten meat: flesh
98. That so many others are thinking this way now.
99. That people have humane ways to repel pests. At least some.
100. That some people (like R.C.) just “get along” with them to an extent.
101. That I can drive.
102. My brain and all its wonderful functions.
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