My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That I went into e-mail and wrote to Jo and to Ma
2. And saw the ea online e-mail from D, and was able to write back and hopefully help her.
3. That I did everything I needed to yesterday, including trying on dress, cooking, cleaning, visiting mother, and getting through my time with J.
4. That I woke up this morning. Really.
5. That I started my day in prayer.
6. The power and help of the prayers yesterday. Sort of desperately praying the Rosary to just get myself through the cleaning of the kitchen. And how far it got me. Thank you, God.
7. I am grateful that I meditated today. And that although, as usual, I don’t really want to start, and start out distracted, as usual it brought some peace.
8. And that I had just enough coffee already made for 2 cups : ) Maybe – maybe – I’ll make tonight for tomorrow because going back to work. Maybe.
9. It is Easter. Jesus rose from the dead. Suffered, died, was buried, and rose again to walk among people and sit at the right hand of the Father. For us. For our sins. For me. Happy Easter to me.
10. “Solitude it bearable only with God”. It says that in today’s For Today. Wow. Wow. Like yesterday, so desperately praying and praying. The Rosary. Desperate. As trying to clean the kitchen. So scared…But God got me through. Thank you, God. Thank you, Mary.
11. Wow. It goes on to say: “I can keep busy, work hard to keep solitude at bay. There comes a time, however, when I am alone with myself. When I feel the presence of my Higher Power, I let my thoughts wander into shadowy crevices, unafraid, and I learn much that I did not know before. I experience truths such as, ‘Fear has been a fact of my life.’ Felt as a fact, it no longer seeps into every facet of my existence, and I am no longer its victim. Without solitude, I would not have seen that truth. Without the company of my Higher Power, I could not venture into solitude, a place devoid of distraction, where I am face to face with myself. For today: in conscious contact with God, I easily face what I cannot beat to look at otherwise.” Wow. And timely too.
12. “When I need someone to be there for me, I ask. I am not alone.” “I pick up the phone.” In today’s In This Moment. Good reminder, and I’m thankful for it.
13. Just flipped to March 13, which I had highlighted, in Voices of Recovery, and saw: “When faced with new hurts, I remember that this pain had a beginning, and it will have an end.” Thank you, God, for that.
14. I am grateful that I just read Step Five in the OA 12 & 12.
15. 1:13pm. Sitting at hospital. Won’t make it to J’s family’s. But – the great news, for which I’m very grateful, is that we’ve spoken with the cardiologist and he says medication will be just as good (long story short) as cath. So my mother does not need the cath.
16. And, can go home now. As soon as the nurse gets the med. papers straightened out, we’ll leave with her.
17. And I was able to do a really nice thing, which is offer to J that I would take care of the my mother stuff and he could go down to his sister’s. Boy, I didn’t want to do that, and am very glad he said no even though I offered more than once (which maybe I shouldn’t have). But I’m grateful that I was able to honestly offer.
18. And that I just took a valium, because my stomach is a jittery wreck.
19. And although it’s very very painful knowing that maybe the way I’m feeling now with jitter horrible stomach because of J’s feelings, is the way he might have been feeling all that time and *I * was making it worse. But – I’m grateful for the lesson. Wish wish all heart could have been sooner, but grateful for it.
20. Plus, it’s not too late. I *am * having this time with him now.
21. And if I wind up home and miserable, I’ll try St : ) Oh well. Just tried and she’s not in. but I *could * read my Codependents Anonymous book, too…
22. My friend’s daughter’s bone scan is CLEAR!!!!!
23. My mother is home. Yay.
24. 2 days earlier than we’d thought.
25. And with no procedure.
26. And J and I both did the right thing, even though we didn’t get to his sister’s.
27. And I was good to him.
28. And I’ve brought my mother her pocket book and a nice piece of spanikopita.
29. And I’ve given J 2 pieces to take too
30. And I’ve had broccoli with garlic sauce (a bit ) *and * spanikopita. What wealth!
31. And M. called me this morning.
32. And I am home in the clean house.
33. And J told me more hints about cleaning the floors.
34. And I just called my mother. Her friend is not going to visit, but they talked on the phone: )
35. And my mother *loved * the spanikopita.
36. And I’m going to bring her another piece tomorrow. (I couldn’t leave two with her because she would eat them both, and it is much too rich).
37. And she sounds healthy and happy and so alive. So relieved. Yay. Thank God.
38. I was able to pray the Rosary again today, when I was so scared and nervous. (Getting ready for J to come). And once again, I was offering a “bouquet” to Mary, but it helped *me. * it helped me. Thank you, God, and Mary.
39. Tomorrow I’ll be at work, and I’ll be able to use all those expressions I love, that the kids love too: )
40. And I have plenty of work to do during the days when J is away and that’s good.
41. And Ph will be here, and I’ll make sure to walk her a lot, which means I’ll walk too.
42. And *maybe * I’ll clean the den floor with the cleaning stuff, and put down the rug. Then Ph and I can play on it and sit on it and cuddle on it, and like watch tv in the eves.
43. And I’ll cancel some things and make sure to be here enough for her to be okay and happy.
44. I am grateful that I was abstinent yesterday.
45. And that I *am * growing as a person and a woman. I have a lot more work to do. But better now than never.
46. It says in ea online, “Part of our serenity comes from being able to live at peace with unsolved problems.” Hm. I’m grateful for reading that and kind of registering it just now.
47. And today’s Daily Recovery Meditation e-mail starts with:
“Feeling our loneliness magnifies it.
Understanding our loneliness can open
doors into our self-awareness, which we
long for and need.”
Anthony Robbins
48. And it says, “I've learned to turn things
over to my Higher Power and to let them
go.”
49. I love petunias. And we bought a beautiful hanging basket for J’s sister. But since we didn’t go, he gave it to me and it is hanging out front.
50. And I have beautiful red and yellow, and on the side red tulips outside. And at first they were making me sad because J planted them for me a different year. But 1) he still did plant them for me and I 8could * be happy about that. 2( he probably already was ambivalent then anyway. Just as he is now 3) they are beautiful and I should enjoy them 4) they make the whole house look better
51. I can see buds out my l.r. window right now while sititng in the den. Beautiful!
52. Called M. She will call back. Either she’ll want to go to that meeting tomorrow or she won’t. If yes, I’ll go. Then see Ph. If no, I’ll get Ph earlier and stay home with her. Either way, I’ll be grateful.
53. I am not happy; I am not fulfilled. But I am kind of okay. I am working on growing as a person and a woman and I am making progress. Thank you, God, for that.
54. That my mother is back on those good pills.
55. That J did her pills for the week today.
56. That we have a yard.
57. And it’s fenced.
58. Grape juice
59. My breathing is a nice healthy slow right now.
60. I won’t crawl into the bed in that disgusting way I have been, tonight, now that the room is clean.
61. I will get through the next few days. I will.
62. And maybe J will miss me.
63. That J did the CGC Ph thing. For me. I wish I could go back to that time. But I’m thankful that he did it.
64. I was afraid that if I cleaned, the emptiness would feel worse. Like, there wouldn’t be as much hanging over my head and then what? I’d be stuck here with and inside myself. But it actually feels better. Neater. Less cluttered. Less brain cluttered. And more self-care.
65. Anyway, back to no. 63, I can’t go back but I can go forward. There is hope for us to heal together, with growth, and have fun.
66. That I can probably get my car fixed this week.
67. That I have water for the fridge at work for me and M. I just need to remember to bring it in tomorrow lol.
68. That more people are coming on the meditation thread.
69. That I’ve never actually had a dread disease.
70. And I’m not as phobic as I used to be.
71. Even told J could do GW lower or under… today.
72. And he was grateful to hear that.
73. That I’m enjoying the royal wedding stuff. On my own.
74. And that I will be able to see some hours of it Fri morning, due to my thumb follow-up visit so I won’t be at work.
75. I just smiled. Sitting here alone watching a royal wedding show. Smiled. Yay.
76. That I think I really will continue to lose weight this time.
77. I think Kate will someday make a well-loved queen.
78. I’m glad I’ve had teaching experiences with children of different ages.
79. And that I’m becoming more and more upstanding in life.
80. S is J.
81. Memories. Of the magic. As I watch these videos from Charles and Diana’s wedding. Nice.
82. For the days when I used to watch Dallas, at 10pm on Fridasy, with C.
83. And the fact that I’ve lived in 4 places as an adult. Lucky me.
84. Wood. And plenty of it in my house.
85. The clean tv stand.
86. Strawberry.
87. Dark chocolate tofu.
88. Vegan butterscotch. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m gad it exists.
89. Sand
90. Dirt
91. Soil
92. Shiny glittery rocks
93. J might come around, please God. And, well, he might.
94. And meanwhile I am growing.
95. The song, “Jerusalem.”
96. The song, “Be Not Afraid.”
97. The song, “Peace I Leave with You.”
98. The Buddhist chant j and I both love so much.
99. Teaching my kids the states song. And how they love it.
100. Celebratory, happy days. For all people.
101. That my makeup looked pretty nice today.
102. Pomp. It’s true. Sometimes I am grateful for pomp.
103. The smart cardiologist today
104. That I am sitting here getting chills watching that wedding.