I am grateful:
1. I am grateful for this crisis in that it has brought me to my knees, brought me to God, brought me to wanting to live my full *good * self daily.
2. I am grateful that last night, somewhere around and after 7 and even at 7:45, I felt okay. I felt okay. Granted, I’d had 3 valiums that day (meant to have two but made mistake, anyway, that’s fine). But still, to not see the room through the pain, but just clearly was a gift for those minutes, or hour
3. I am grateful that my dreams were interesting, but not exactly 100% nightmares.
4. And that although I am upset, and did have a bit of the stomach upset in bed, it’s not stomach-out-of-body right now. I’m somewhat scared, but I’m somewhat okayish. And not only about him; for a few seconds it wasn’t.
5. I am grateful that I will straighten some more today.
6. And I am grateful that I will try on my dress.
7. And I am grateful that E who e-mails with me said she checks in on my blog. That’s 4 people.
8. I am grateful that in yesterday’s For Today it says, “Today I see self-righteousness as a form of phony respectability – a wall behind which glaring defects can hide.” So true. And I’m glad to finally see it that way. May I not have it at all.
9. Also, as it says in OA, and I was just thinking as I was typing that last one, “How grateful I am that OA gives me the understanding and support I need to uncover my faults.”
10. Today’s For Today says: “For Today: I have at least one hour of free time in which to take one more step more recovery.” I am grateful that I have more than that, and will and do, do it. Am doing it.
11. It also says, “They have passed from the defeat of incurable illness to an inner tranquility that is entirely independent of any outside condition.” What a hope and promise. I am grateful it says that. I am grateful I read that.
12. Has something changed? A little bit? It’s like, this morning I am more concerned with being okay inside, however that comes, that just being with John. Oh, I’m still scared and nervous and in love and very very much want us to be together. To live our vows, in happiness. Of course. And am praying for it. And making changes that will help. But I’m trying to be okay myself. I’ve known the whole time that that was more important and must come first, for authenticity. But this morning I’m feeling it differently than the last few days or 2 weeks or so. I can’t tell if I’m frozen in fear, or if I’m glad that I might get to go with John to his mother’s today (which is nice to be with him plus is a comfort for him that I’ll be there – it makes it a little easier, he’s said), but I’m grateful to have this feeling.
13. Or could this be partly from “finishing” step 4 (I will do that Conclusion page in the booklet now, for as long as it takes) yesterday? Grateful for that thought too.
14. I am grateful that I was abstinent yesterday. Came close to not being, but was. Thank you, God.
15. That M is going to try, wholeheartedly, for three months. I am feeling happiness inside for them because maybe it will work out. And in case it doesn’t, she will always know she really tried all that was possible. I am grateful that they are going to try. And I am grateful that I am happy for them, rather than jealous. And I am grateful that it give me the idea of how to, also.
16. That I start my day giving glory to God. I am grateful for this. Well, first I get on my knees and usually ask for help with my marriage and my innards but I think I remember to give glory first. And I always do very shortly after am up, in the l.r.
17. That maybe because added the “ACTS” A part, with, “I worship and adore only you” yesterday (and today), maybe *that * has contributed to my feeling not quite as hole-in-the-stomach desperate.
18. In today’s In This Moment: “My unrealistic expectations of somebody else’s behavior caused turmoil. On some occasions it was caused by unrealistic expectations of my own behavior. People are who they are and they do what they do. I am not here on earth to be their judge. I’ll be OK as long as I expect people to be themselves, not whom I want them to be.” I am grateful for that. Especially the part about not being here to expect certain behaviors or to be their judge. I am grateful to be learning that.
19. And I am grateful that today’s In This Moment didn’t leave me with a pit in my stomach. I care for that program very much. But sometimes the meeting, even the reading, leaves me with such a pit. I’m grateful that today’s didn’t.
20. And that there might be a second meeting in the week I can go to. And maybe even a choice on my meeting night.
21. I am grateful that in my, “The Fourth-Step Inventory Guide of Overeaters Anonymous” booklet, it says, as the very last sentences, As we reach the end of Step Four, we discover that a promise mad in Overeaters Anonymous ‘Our Invitation to You’ has begun to be fulfilled. We are ‘moving beyond the food and the emotional havoc to a fuller living experience.’”
22. Oh my God, it’s like a big breath of beautiful fresh air! I just called J and asked if Ph and I could walk with him and H in the woods this morning and he was kind of cheerful and kind of warm and was nice and said yes. And I’m going to call him at about 7:30 and leave then and I’m so glad. And it means Ph will get her nice time. And I will be with my J. And we will all 3 be together. And it feels so good And I am so grateful. And it gives me hope too.
23. And he said he’s sitting for another dog too and I said what kind and he said, It’s like if you could pick three kinds of dogs to own (his word) this would be the third.” And I said, “First would be shih tzu, though you don’t ‘own’ them,” and he said, “Yeah,” and I said, “Second would be – standard poodle?” And he said, “Yeah.” And I said, “Third. Hmmm.” And I thought of cairn but I was thinking we were talking about J’s preferences, so I said, “It wouldn’t be a terrier. Oh! I know! A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel?” And he said, “Well close. A cairn.” And so the thing was, (and I double checked this, so yes) that he was thinking of what kind * I * would pick. And also that we thought alike. Nice. I’m grateful for all of this.
24. I am grateful that I was on my knees thanking God, in the kitchen for a moment this morning. Phew.
25. I am grateful that my breath is coming so very deeply this morning.
26. And that my upcoming walk will be exercise too!
27. I am grateful that I reached B this morning, so did have my call and have had each of the days.
28. And that she was so receptive, and so nice.
29. And that she congratulated me for finishing step 4.
30. And that we had a nice talk. And she even took my phone number, and also said, “Call me anytime.” Phew
31. I am so grateful for hope. I know this is a repeat, so will do an extra.
32. *This * is a good day. Here are some reasons: I walked with J and Ph in the woods.
33. And a standard poodle
34. And a cairn – off-leash in front of me
35. And he invited me in for coffee
36. And I only stayed a few minutes and then got going
37. Called St and she said yes so I dropped of Ph, picked up a regular bagel for her and a multi-grain for me, and went there for tea. We wound up visiting for about 2 hours! It was very nice for me! And I think for her too?!
38. And she gave me some how-to-clean suggestions, including about the floor.
39. So on way back I stopped at the supermarket and bought stuff for cleaning! I’m grateful that I did that
40. And – I’m grateful that I could afford it.
41. And I got some “dirty rice” like St had, on sale (like she said it was), and I’ll add some veggies and a can of beans – maybe plus a vegan burg. or 2 and have 2 or 3 meals
42. And I got to buy p.b. and salsa for the chili and chocolate soymilk. I’m fortunate.
43. Then on the way back, J called my cell phone and said was ready to go to his mother’s, so I came home, dropped off the stuff, picked up the dog, and went and picked him up. I’m grateful for all of that.
44. And we had a nice visit with his mother.
45. And she looks well.
46. And her place is still immaculate.
47. And I took the elevator with him! Kind of re-judged maybe not, before door closed, “Maybe I’m not ready.”
48. But he said try. And I said, “I’d rather have done it when I could be really comfortable, for you.”
49. But I did it. And then he made a great joke too. Near her floor, and we’d been waxing poetic about what a beautiful elevator it is, and it is, he said, “Yeah. This is how they used to *make * them in the 20’s.” That was good and funny and I’m grateful we could laugh : )
50. Oh! And on the way, there was a little dog loose – so I pulled over and J got out but couldn’t get to it. So *I * suggested that he use Ph as bait, which he did, and got the dog back into its home : )
51. And he kept crediting me for the idea, including to his mother. (It worked because the dog was going *away * from J, but was *interested * in playing with Ph).
52. Plus I loved this about him (and kissed him for it too)
53. Well, his mother was dizzy, and I figured out and then he helped, that there is a lack of vegetables going on.
54. But his neck was killing, so I did a mitzvah. I got over my phobias and I dropped him off (he offered to come to store but I said no).
55. Then I went to the store near where she lives and bought 3 steam-in-the-bag bags of veggies (his idea) and a large salad I put together, with good field greens and a nice amount of fresh spinach as well as another lettuce, and some other nice things I feel sure she’d like, Newman’s Own oil and vinegar dressing, and butter (she is, and certainly J is, more important to me even than veganism)
56. And I went back and though he wasn’t sure she would, she did let me in.
57. And I put together a nice little salad for her
58. And cooked one of the bags
59. And showed her how twice, and reminded her that the instructions are on the bag
60. And set it all up for her with a nice glass of cool water.
61. And she kept saying she’d never been served this way.
62. And I left her to eat it in peace. And I am grateful for all those things.
63. And I didn’t feel as panicy. I still very very much want it to work out for us, but there’s another part of me that just isn’t as panicy. And is more open to whatever God has in store…
64. And so tomorrow I shall finish straightening.
65. And on Good Friday, I shall clean.
66. And right now I’m watching Oprah and waiting for my dr. What wealth!
67. I had a good day and although somewhat yoyo around J, not as much as could be and sometimes has been
68. Was honest with dr (as always)
69. And with St (as always)
70. And she was with me, I think (and hope)
71. Have ordered Chinese food and will have veggies for like the next 5 – 6 meals. Veggies that are good for my sanity as well as physical health and weight.
72. Ph has had a very good day, with woods walk, a long and a short visit with J’s mother, time with J and me and the other two dogs, seeing my dr, and some nappy time too and some yard time too and coming in when *she * felt like : )
73. I will rest tonight. No pressures. Can go to meeting. Or not. Can watch tv. Or not. Can go to sleep pretty early. Free person.
74. Making sure I had veggies at dinner. I’m grateful for that.
75. Going to the meeting
76. It was good for me
77. Getting to read about the third step there (OA 12 and 12)
78. That room was not in a fog
79. I shared about my little prayer from the Big Book, “God, here I am. And here are all my troubles. I’ve made a mess of things and can’t do anything about it. You take me, and all my troubles, and do anthing you want with me.”
80. Starting each day with God now
81. That I got to see some pictures of St’s family. That was nice. Her brother and sister-in-law and niece and nephew and grandparents…
82. Berries. And their season’s coming soon too
83. Every year of life I get to go around through the seasons
84. Buying the regular chocolate soymilk today instead of the Silk. I like it better.
85. But also grateful that I’m thinking of switching to something plainer – soy or almond – with no sugar.
86. And that I can have these luxury-choices to make.
87. And the brain power to make them. (As opposed to people whole brains are not working)
88. That 1 or 2 things came to me regarding step 4, to add
89. Learning that I have to fight my own inertia
90. I think I had some interesting non-nightmare dreams last night (finishing these the next morning)
91. That forsythia is beautiful right now
92. BGs has a new azalea garden. I want to see it.
93. J’s idea for his mother to bring something from the bakery, and my idea that it be pastries, for Easter. This will be easy for her (he might even pick it up), plus she feels good about it.
94. That yesterday morning I had so many gratitudes in me on the way to drop Ph off to go to St’s.
95. Happy dogs in the park.
96. I liked being with them.
97. Fr finding Fr, the dog whose person could not find him.
98. The humor in the people literally hugging the trees because of the one dog who is o strong and gets so excited at first.
99. People who are fully themselves, and are such a good example, like M.G. and Ang from tai chi. And even Em.
100. Some beautiful Sanskrit names.
101. That my book came yesterday. That’s such a good way to buy it, used. So much cheaper than new when the library doesn’t have a copy.
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