I am grateful:
1. That during the night, I sensed when the dog was sitting up, and after trying just petting her, was able to get her outside.
2. That I had some not terrible dreams.
3. That Sp said today Life is hard. A blade of grass has to push up through the ground. But we have nothing better.
4. And said Life is full of good and bad. I concentrate on the good.
That felt helpful to me.
5. That I was able to get the prescriptions yesterday.
6. And remembered to put the eyedrops right into the fridge.
7. That I am able to see. There was a time in my 20’s, when it seemed *to me * from something the eye dr said that I might lose my sight in my 40’s. Thank God I am able to see.
8. Today’s For Today:” Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding and softens the heart.” John Adams. Wow. It’s a wonderful statement. Plus I never would have pictured him saying something like that. There’s a lesson in that too.
9. And it says, “If I allow it to pass through my life without without trying to change it or escape from it, grief will leave me a more finished person.”
10. And it says, “The problem is non-acceptance. My compulsive overeating mind says, ‘No! No! I can’t bear it! Change it! Fix it! Make it better!’” Yes, that is me. I’m grateful to see it there because that means others have been through it and come out the other side.
11. Like L when he’s talked about his wife dying at 58, and him walking around the house crying for 3- 4 months or he’s not sure how long. And going to meetings and crying about all the things he didn’t do, like buy her flowers. And then all the men would go out and buy their wives flowers.
12. It goes on to say, “Accepting whatever comes – the sorrow as well as the joy – without letting it divert me from doing God’s will as I understand it, is what this program is all about. It is recovery.”
13. When my mother was so sick years ago (like 8 years), I promised God to not care about the stupid things. Or I promised myself. Or I just saw them as stupid. It was like, “Who cares if a parent at work won’t like me; that doesn’t matter. This does.” But I think I understand better now. 1) I shouldn’t have cared less, just cared less sickly. 2) I still wound up obsessing and moaning every morning again, a few years later, and I shouldn’t have. I’m grateful to “get that” now.
14. And it says, and this is hard, but I am grateful that it says it: “For today: I can learn much that is of value from grief by not running away into the food.”
15. Walking through the fire – gems of wisdom to be found in the ashes. Something about that in today’s, In This Moment. And I think that’s important.
16. In today’s Voices of Recovery it says: “…God loves us in our totality and is willing and able to help us in everything we do…God will help us with every decision, even food choices and amounts.” OA 12 & 12 p. 15.
Willing and able to help us.
In everything we do.
God will help us with every decision, even food choices and amounts.
17. I’m also grateful that I just e-mailed Jo and shared that with her.
18. It goes on to say, “Asking our Higher Power to feel us is one of those simple, yet powerful tools that never fails us if we reach for it. I know that God would never hand me anything that would harm me or poison my life.”
19. And “Only the disease does that. Only the disease tells me that poison is a treat.”
20. “If I pause and ask before I make a decision about food and amounts, there will be a loving peaceful space created in my day, and I will intuitively know what and how God would feed me if invited to do so.”
21. “And when I listen and follow through with this sure guidance, that loving, peaceful feeling follows me throughout my day, and I know that I am loved, guided, and guarded always.” Wow. May that be so! Grateful to have read that. And typed it. May I believe it and may it be so.
22. I just saw the Daily Om today’s horoscope in my e-mail and opened it. It said,
“Your hopes will likely be awakened by the beautiful visions of the future you see in your mind's eye today. Instead of dismissing these thoughts as mere fantasy, consider carefully what you can do right now to make them a reality. You may find that your optimism provides you with just the level of encouragement you need to stick with your goals when your life becomes challenging. Maintaining the good feelings you experience today in the long term can be as easy as regularly picturing all you aspire to achieve in your imagination. As you mull over the life you plan someday to enjoy, your confidence in yourself can grow immeasurably.” This is very helpful to me.
23. And then it said,
“We tend to think and act more confidently when we assume that there is goodness in store for us in the near future. This is because we do not regard failure as a possibility and are thus far more ready to take risks than we might otherwise be. There is nothing to stop us from extending ourselves beyond our usual comfort zones, and we can see the benefits of doing so quite clearly. The hope we hold in our hearts sustain us when our progress seems to have slowed or even stopped. We are willing to explore numerous avenues while pursuing our goals because the encouragement we feel prompts us to do all we can to move closer and closer to the fulfillment of our aims, even when we must exhibit great courage to do so. Your optimism will help you meet your goals today by encouraging you to whatever is necessary to ensure your success.” I am grateful to have read this.
24. And grateful that M. showed me about these so I could be getting them.
25. I feel strong enough to act on it, thank God. Will start now!
26. And that the next daily om today was about affirmations and I learned something more about how to do them and did it.
27. I am so grateful that I did all my morning things today. That means: my ACTS prayer on my knees, my two Step-Three prayers, this many of my gratitudes so far, my 3 daily readings, my prayer to God and to the Blessed Virgin, my prayers for the people on my prayer list, my 20 minutes of Step-Four work (to re-read and add as needed), my affirmations on my blog, my 15-minute call with my sponsor, and my 10-minute meditation.
28. I am grateful to God that I asked for help with abstinence, had already done some smart shopping, and just had for breakfast (after 2 coffees with chocolate soymilk – probably won’t buy the chocolate again will just use up what I have -) 1 pkg. weight control maple brown sugar oatmeal with some pomegranate juice infused craisins and a little slivered almonds and drinking water
29. And that it actually tasted too sweet too!
30. And that I took my vitamins and Claritan yesterday and today.
31. And I’m grateful that I organized all the plastic recycling and all the paper recycling from the kitchen, even though I had to literally pray out loud the whole time.
32. May I remember EJs words from the other day:
“Love to you - and remember: Find your joy and peace outside of and independent of any other people. Once you do that, you may find that your needs and desires are different than you thought.” I need to remember that I must find my joy and peace outside of and independent of any other people. That is what I must do no matter what it means and no matter what comes of it, and I am grateful to hear it.
33. My phone call with J went better than it could have, thank you, God.
34. And my mother called and I spoke to her for a couple of minutes. She sounds well.
35. And we will (J and I ) will meet at the hospital later to visit her for a bit.
36. I am grateful that there is, right now, *no * clutter in the kitchen! For the first time in many months! I have officially de-cluttered the kitchen.
37. And was just about to Swiffer the floor, but went to assemble the new Swiffer, which made me very nervous and I *sort of * wished I’d asked J to (!) but I did it. Just fine. It was even very easy.
38. And I went to Swiffer the floor, but saw after assembling, that it said must charge for 12 – 18 hours! First = : ( But then realized, oh well, doing that would have been easier than de-cluttering the next room. Now I’m kind of forced to de-clutter the next room! So : )
39. I have gone to the jfs and bought vegan organic phyllo dough. I am grateful that I was able to do that and did that.
40. And that I could afford it.
41. And that it felt good going in to the kitchen now that it is neat and uncluttered.
42. I am grateful that although it’s late, as of now I *am * supposed to go to the hospital with J.
43. St said Swiffer is *not * electrical. Just like a 10.00 dry mop thingy. I’ll have to return this one. But that’s okay, and for that I’m grateful. She says Target or CVS will have it
44. That the one who started it originally (in my time) came back to the meditation thread.
45. That people there were so supportive of me today.
46. That one said she sees me as – something positive, I don’t remember, but it felt good.
47. And now, tonight, I am so grateful that I got to see my mother today and spend time with her.
48. And that I went on my own, because J was running so late.
49. And that he *did * come, shortly after.
50. And we visited and she seemed well.
51. And maybe between the dr. and the 2 of us, she might be convinced to do the cathetarization.
52. And that when I spoke to her tonight she was in such great spirits, and literally just about to eat her dinner.
53. And Ma was going to be visiting her tonight.
54. And tomorrow we will visit her.
55. And so will Ma, I think.
56. And I am so happy and grateful to be able to love someone else so much. Someone not me. And someone not J.
57. Then, I was able to talk to the manager at the store and be sure he’ll take back the electric Swiffer thing, even though I don’t have receipt and can’t take it apart!
58. And I bought OCedar thingies. And the clothy parts and washable rather than disposable, which I like better too.
59. And then – I “swiffered” (with the new thing from OCedar) the kitchen floor. And so my kitchen is really good and clean now and uncluttered too.
60. And then I finished declutterring the l.r. and d.r. and “swiffered” those floor too! Nice!
61. I am sitting in the den now and can see the neat l.r. with the clean floor and the lamp and elephant statue and bit of one of the pillows, all of which I picked and bought, and it feels so good!
62. I just ate dinner, involving veggie, whole grain, protein, and a little oil, just like last night (broccoli with garlic sauce, brown rice, and one vegan burger).
63. And I was down a bit on the scale this morning.
64. And now I’m about to do the den and bedroom. Then the phyllo will probably be thawed and I can make the spanikopita. If there is time before that, I will also do the bathroom (with Clorox wipes).
65. And I tried on my dress today and it is fine. I look fat because I am fat, but it is fine and I will wear it tomorrow.
66. And – well, j is difficult. I don’t want him to be. I don’t want to have made him feel the way he’s making me feel now – unheard, unworthy of being heard, shushed. But I know I did. And I’m so very sorry for that. AND for what it’s doing to me now too. But I’m grateful that I didn’t feel quite – not 100% quite – as desperate for a few minutes today.
67. I’m grateful that I was abstinent yesterday.
68. And today.
69. And will get more food while spanikopita is cooking. And still be abstinent.
70. And that maybe I can crochet in the car.
71. And that I took the elevator each time at the hospital, with J and alone, these two days.
72. I will be with J’s family tomorrow. (May I not cry or anything).
73. My face and hair looked pretty today, I think.
74. There are more minutes when I have peace than there were a short time ago.
75. I can bring my laptop tomorrow and do some in the car, then recharge it there. I think I did that once before.
76. I cleaned *even though * the vacuum was acting all funky and I had to get down on my hands and knees and use the hose
77. I think I’ve decided to have someone come here and do a more thorough job, or even with me, once. Like mover the rugs…
78. Little Ph is probably happy tonight, there, with J and H (other dog)
79. I am watching house, and will continue to while I clean. I like it.
80. I watch less tv now, though. And none in bedroom or d.r. Maybe I’ll leave it that way.
81. Cleaning is exercise, too.
82. Although M will now be going away in July with I, so I won’t get to go with her, I will find something else. Maybe TNH, or the other thing in Colorado if I can remember what it was, or the place related to the Indian thing I went to, or a zen sort of spa. Or not.
83. M says she would take dance with me at gym. That doesn’t mean she will, or will continue to, but it’s nice anyway.
84. I might not pay to, and might put that money aside, and do it here? Or go. Either of those two would be good for me.
85. It’s nice to feel tired from moving!
86. And now I’ve done the den. !
87. And I am grateful that I have now made the spanikopita.
88. And cleaned the bathroom. Wow. Only thing left is the bedroom. Which is ton. But I might just put stuff in a ginormous bag in the basement, and clean up enough for it to look clear and not have dust on the floor.
89. And I know, now that the spanikopita is baking, that I’ll have healthy food I can eat tomorrow.
90. And other people like it too.
91. I don’t know how J could be so - well, the way he is. Like cold and selfish…right now. So closed off to me, whom he married. But I’m feeling more accepting. I think self-care must be very much a piece of the key. I plan to start exercising next week. Anyway, I’m grateful for the self-care today/tonight.
92. That the incredible amount of prayer I said today, with all my heart. Seems to really have helped me get through, stay okay, do what I had to do for my mother, enjoy the time with her, clean, and cook. Some of this was very scary for me! But I got through it! And I think that’s because of the prayers.
93. I have done it. I have now done the bedroom too. Not perfectly, none of it perfectly, and partly because of the a/cs and table J has in the dr. that I can’t move : ( But also because it’s a *first *. And it’s good enough that *I * feel good – well, a lot better – and that I would let someone come in now.
94. And although originally it was all about J, and not seeing him during the week but making sure that when I’d see him at week’s end, like now, he’d see how I’ve grown. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. And I think that’s because it wasn’t real. Today, I did more for *me *.
95. And I can have the Easter new start I wanted.
96. And I can go back to work feeling better too.
97. And I got rid of foods gone bad, so the spanikopita wil fit in the fridge and in a couple of minutes I’ll put it in. I am grateful for all of this.
98. And for the furnace not having broken yesterday when I thought it had.
99. And for friends.
100. And that I am now about to have a healthy, planned snack, and go to bed.
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