I am grateful:
1. Ph’s birthday
2. Every day I have with her
3. Every day we’ve had and have with her
4. Her innocent, cute, adorable face
5. How enthusiastic she is about everything
6. How all in she is about everything
7. And the lessons I, we all, can learn from that
8. That I could feel her next to me so much of last night and this morning
9. And she happily outside with her grey ferret-like toy (favorite) now
10. That L said today that everything that he grows from is painful first. So that ‘s good to me. Because it means that this pain is necessary for my growth.
11. That I decided to call back, even though I’d slept until time to call him, so wasn’t coffeed or fully prayered and still felt the hole in my stomach. Rather than “try later” and possibly miss my call, I decided to call back and say I could “act like” I didn’t have the hole in my stomach. So I got my call: )
12. That I got to one of the best hand doctors in the world yesterday.
13. That he said the end game is good!
14. That I watched him give me the interesting shot.
15. That I managed to do those very painful exercises every single hour for 11 hours
16. That I did ice a lot, as he said
17. That he said I *can * drive this weekend.
18. That I will take my mother to the bank and shopping today.
19. And will probably go to a meeting first too: )
20. And tomorrow to hear O, with my mother. And probably lunch first or supper after, too! YAY!!!! Supper, I think, sounds right…
21. That I had nice morning time with Ph today
22. That I’ve smiled already today
23. That Supernanny was on last night like a mini-marathon, and I watch almost 6.
24. That I learned from that show, a bit that can help my teaching
25. That I am learning from that show, about adult life and taking responsibility
26. And about a solid sense of self
27. And that as well as responsibility, one can have great humor and lightheartedness and fun and affection. In fact that first helps the others to be, freely, and makes space for them.
28. That we’re not reading The Room this month. Especially after talking with MA, that book scares me.
29. That MA is going through a time when I think she is very popular and loved by so many, and probably gets that. Good.
30. That I will pray for abstinence for today today.
31. That I’ve heard two really important things at meetings in the last 2 weeks. One was, “Whatever I put before my recovery, I lose,” which I’ve mentioned before.
32. The other was by A at P, who said she, after all these years of abstinence, had a little wine on NYE, because she “wanted to feel normal.” So that lesson is still being driven home. And it reminds/teaches me that I have to face this every day.
33. And it’s not so bad to face. Because think of all the diseases I *don’t * have.
34. That I am typing right now! My thumb is healing!
35. That in this moment I feel okay.
36. I am grateful for every moment in which I feel okay.
37. And that I have the book Savor.
38. And that veganism is getting more mainstream.
39. And that there was an article about mindful eating in Harvard’s newsletter or whatever, and printed in the thing my hfs gives out! Toward the beginning no less
40. That typing feels so good!
41. That later this afternoon and evening I can watch tv or Supernanny on computer or movie, or I can read Savor or book I have or one I can get at library, or I can even go to a movie by myself or I can maybe get together with a friend, like m, ma, s, st, o, mau, or maybe even j. or I can do step 4 work, or make phone calls. Or listen to music. Or take a good walk. And/or do some exercises from the ww site. Or blog. Or read magazines. Or get a pedicure for goodness sake (but I don’t want to spend the money)
42. That *I * get to buy food today too.
43. And to deposit L’s check
44. And to order the literature for the meeting
45. And to send the check to IG
46. For Today today, about “The greatest happiness you can have is knowing that you do not necessarily require happiness.” And that “Dissatisfaction was one of the hallmarks of my compulsive illness. Few things measured up to my expectations, so I found a way to make it up to myself. I used food to give me the illusion of happiness. What freedom there is in giving up that chase! – to go somewhere, do something without demanding that I be happy. Paradoxically, it is when I go my way with an open mind, free of expectations, that I most ofen find my heart singing. For today: What do I need, if not happiness? I need the willingness to take what comes, to get out of my own way, to let go the idea that I should feel good all the time.” Apr 2 p. 93
47. The days I really kind of wanted to kill myself, or thought about it, or was afraid I would were, that horribly night in May, Mother’s Day night, that awful day in July, that awful “I’m not ready to have this discussion. You don’t want me to, believe me,” day around Nov 14ish, Jan 1st, and one day in March.” But I do not feel that today.
48. And the Nov 14thish one is the one that started me the next day on my morning routine of prayer and readings, so something good came of the pain
49. And lately some days I am grateful for being alive and for waking up!
50. And sometimes I feel good in the moment. I am grateful for every moment like that. This moment, for example, I am somewhat nervous because this isn’t the life I want to have built, and I want J to be ok for him, and I want J to be ok for me, and I want us to be together, BUT I am also ok. I like my being – my feelings of breath and skin and clean hair, and Ph somewhat leaning into the back of my head with her leg while looking out window, and typing, and it being a weekend, and knowing I will see O and my mo tomorrow, and do shopping today, and I *can * buy magazines and not feel bad about it – I work hard: )
51. And I’m grateful that I decided I would/could have my hair dyed blonde for a couple of months this coming summer, because I’ve always wanted
52. And that then, after sleeping with that decision a bunch, I realized this morning when I saw my hair in the mirror, how I really do like the color and highlights and chose not to. But and because I *could . *
53. That my hands, despite a little pain in that right thumb, feel good right now, typing. I love this feeling.
54. That maybe I will keep paying the ww fee after all, and *use * the recipe builder (for recipes from Vegan on the Cheap, for example, or ones I make up myself based on her concepts) and the exercises and the articles. I *can * choose to. Or not.
55. Lentil burgers, that great recipe and J likes it too
56. This nice long time in the morning for me
57. Learning and growing
58. M’s girls. They’re one of the reasons I wouldn’t kill myself.
59. I’d possibly have never been open to Buddhism if I hadn’t worked at f m.
60. J and I read the five mindfulness trainings together yesterday
61. They helped me remember about eating consciously
62. My thumb is moving a little more easily today
63. That Sp also said about the me that he has never had any growth without pain, that’s it’s because that's the only time he pays attention.
64. That I’m writing to corn, right now
65. That I got up and went to meeting, so as not to be just spending more time here alone
66. And from there took my mother to bank and shopping
67. And while there, got stuff for here too
68. And spent less than any other time! : )
69. And then returned the 4 dvds to the library
70. And took mother with me for the ride. And that was good for her too
71. This is an amazing beautiful-weather day, and I’ happy to be alive for it and to be mobile and experiencing it
72. Ph’s time in yard today and me leaving it open for her
73. Be ripping that screen! Because actually, it has made it like we have a doggie door! : )
74. I just had lunch. And it included a tomato and a banana (and protein and whole grain and a little fat).
75. I think that it (accidentally) worked out that my desk hand dr appointment happens to be on the day of the royal wedding! Which *may * mean that I can watch it at like 5am until leaving for the appointment! Depending on the timing of course…
76. That M finally called me back, and so I know though *just * okay, she *is * okay
77. That she invited me to the wedding on July 4th weekend, as of now, and it should be beautiful and in a way will be outside my comfort zone (the going to a wedding without J part) and will be good for me; for us all.
78. That I can see today the supernanny episodes I missed last night
79. That I am drinking mandarin orange seltzer
80. That I was smiling and feeling some happiness and excitement when came home and walking through house greeting Ph while walking her to back door
81. That I *can * go outside and just look up at the night sky if I feel like it
82. That the sky was/is a beautiful blue today, with fluffy white cumulus clouds
83. That so many people do get how wrong it is what “white man” did to the native peoples here
84. That I have touched a snake
85. And a chinchilla
86. And turtles
87. That W the cat loves to brush up against me and for me to pet her
88. That M did too (the cat when I was a teen)
89. That I have seem puppies only a few minutes? hours? old
90. And my niece at 40 minutes old
91. That I’ve never been raped
92. Or burned by someone
93. That I still have a choice about jury duty. I will sleep on it tonight and til Wed.
94. Animal babies pictures I’ve shown classes
95. Animal pictures I’ve shown classes
96. That I’ve influenced Gab to play piano
97. That I’ve influenced some children to grow to not want to eat animals
98. That my nose works so well
99. That my hysteroscopies went well
100. That my hysterectomy went well
101. That my double nose surgery went well
102. Hope and that I’m choosing to live in it now
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