I am grateful:
1. To see Kayleigh here as a follower! Just this very morning I was feeling so lonely here again, and wondering if my two followers, who are so sweet to put themselves here, ever check in anymore. And St said she would, but I don’t think she ever would regularly. And to see Kayleigh here made me cry.
2. I am so grateful for her health. So grateful.
3. And that I have her on my daily prayer list now.
4. And Mar and Cha too.
5. That when I prayed the 3rd step prayer this morning, I felt peace. Wow. I used to be so afraid of that prayer, and practicing by saying them both each day, has made it more and more true. I say it sincerely, not just words. And especially in the beginning, that could take some time to come to. That first one: “God, here I am and here are all my troubles. I’ve made a mess of things and can’t do anything about it. You take me, and all my troubles, and do anything you want with me.” I said it first, from p 215, in mid-November. And have said it every day since. It was easier for me. Simple. To the point. Plain. And the “real” one (p 63): “God, I offer myself to thee – to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!”
6. And for Rh for teaching me about its importance
7. And for L doing so too
8. And for Mar’s stuff being so similar to it, though she gets it from a different source.
9. And for J leading the way into the 12 step programs for me, bless him
10. Mar reminding me that Jesus died for us/for me
11. For Today today saying, “Today I follow a path…that leads me through feelings that once were too painful to contemplate, and delivers me right side up, trudging forward on my own two feet
12. That I just put the dishes in. Today I will finish the dishes, and I will do one load of laundry. Next week I will clean, not this week, but next, while vacation time. And if I am on jury duty and it extends into next week, then I will do it next Sat instead of the other all day thing I was going to do
13. Kayleigh’s example of grace
14. M’s example of grace. Also under pressure, though different kinds.
15. That for the first time, I didn’t get to put the 100 gratitudes in until the next morning. That’s what enabled me to see that Kayleigh came on as a follower, even before I started today’s gratitudes.
16. That I just got that beautiful forwarded e-mail from Rh
17. And that I forwarded it to others.
18. And that, among other things, it said, Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
19. And I am grateful for the day so many years ago, when J gave me that envelope that I still have, unopened, with that very same message. Thank you.
20. And that it said, “Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.” And that I’ve learned that through meditation.
21. And “Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.” Thank God.
22. And the biggy, “No one is in charge of your happiness but you.”
23. And the thought, “In five years, will this matter?” May I think of that every time I want to fight (argue).
24. And “Always choose life.” The anti-suicide. Hmmm. And maybe the anti-abortion? Hmmm.
25. And “Believe in miracles.”
26. And “All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.”
27. And something I’ve only recently really learned: “Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.”
28. I’m so glad St’s kids bicycle outside a lot!
29. And this lesson which is in there too, and which I first heard from Bessie, when I was a teen: If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
30. And Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
31. And that I have started to know that, from Thich Nhat Hahn.
32. And No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
33. That I told O what happened
34. And she changed her password
35. And I didn’t get another one of those funky e-mails so maybe it’s ok now
36. Also from today’s For Today, “As I progress I have a sharpened awareness of the suffering of others, and I can offer help that is based on honest experience.”
37. That last night Mar said that “Everything is in God’s time,” and that that can be hard for me, but there it was again this morning in For Today. It said, “When I feel impatient and want to hurry on with growth, to have defects removed before their time, I know that I have more to learn. Everything is in God’s time.” It’s still hard. I don’t like it; I don’t understand it. I don’t want it. But hearing it both last night and this morning, means something.
38. That I haven’t given up.
39. That St has been an influence in that.
40. And Lynn S., bless her soul.
41. And M has helped with that
42. And MA has too
43. And ML and even her two phone call messages did too
44. And O has too
45. And S
46. And now Mar
47. And even Jo
48. And my dr.
49. And Joa
50. And Rh’s e-mails
51. And female L’s too
52. And Sp on the phone, so much too
53. OA speaking of the three A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. May I use them all.
54. And it says, “Accepting our awareness comes gradually, as we work the steps.” That gives me hope. (It’s in today’s Voices of Recovery).
55. And it speaks particularly of step 4 (and 10), which I am now working (4).
56. That I am open to learning how to hear God’s answers to my prayers. His will for me.
57. And that right after I wrote that, I picked up the V for Rec book again, and read the next line: “Then comes the action we need to take. For that we look to find God’s will for us.”
58. And, “Step Three is our starting point when we turn our lives and our will over to our Higher Power.”
59. That I keep picturing that man, I don’t remember his name, from Al-Anon all those years ago, in MV, who used to say how he loved the steps. I didn’t know what the steps were, and my sponsor (whom I think was quite mistaken to do this!) said I wasn’t ready for the steps. (Hello? Step One?) And I wanted so much to know what they were. But anyway, I’m grateful that he used to speak so lovingly of what those steps meant to him, like, “Oh. The steps.”
60. And that we have Internet now. So people don’t have to go through what I went through, driving and trying places from the list for 4 hours, and not finding even one open, and coming home in the dark, disheartened. And not trying again to find a meeting for 4 months. I’m grateful that people now can just type oa right into the url line and get to their site.
61. And that they can find a meeting list there too.
62. And that’s it’s the same for the other 12-step fellowships.
63. And that there is almost always even a contact number, to be sure: )
64. And even Mapquest to help get there, or GPS.
65. Today’s In This Moment book, saying, “…I believed I had no character faults. I grew up being whatever everyone else wanted met to be. I had no sense of who I was. When I read CoDA’s patterns of co-dependency about denial, low self-esteem and control, I knew I was “home.” That is me.
66. And then it says, “Today if I find myself in a situation where I am tempted to act in a way that no longer fits, I have the freedom to act differently.” I so want that. And I must have some already, and for that I’m grateful. Reminder to self: stop and take a breath. And think.
67. That when I do things, it feels so much better than when I don’t
68. That I know I have far to go. Like, I just went to order Newcomers’ Packets for my oa group, and felt nervous when took out my credit card. Like I wish I didn’t have to *have * a credit card. An infantile wish-to-not-have-to-have-the-responsibilities-of-an-adult, not to be an adult kind of wish. So I’m grateful that I recognize that and continue to do leg-work every day toward growth.
69. And toward not just hard work growth, but building fun and enjoying relationships too. Like making that phone call to initiate going out last night, and like the 2 times I asked S about it, and like going to movies and/or tea with St, and lunch on a Sat with M, and visiting with MA, and the upcoming b’day lunch with the 3, and plans to go away with M in July, …
70. That I just did order the Newcomer Packets
71. That today’s In This Moment also says, “Old patterns, like old clothes, don’t fit anymore. I have choices. I can decide to act in a healthy manner. I feel free.” Thank you for that: )
72. I am grateful for toilet tissue. And that I can afford it.
73. Really, I can afford everything I need. I’m not rich, and would like to fix broken things here, but the fact is, I am affording all I *need * and more.
74. That I meditated this morning. And enjoyed it so. It was the first time in a long time that I actually *wanted more * for the *feeling during! * I’m so glad I’m doing this again.
75. That I woke up to the birds. At about 7:05, which is 2 hours later than on weekdays, but I wanted that. And the alarm was going to ring 3 minutes later!
76. The funny 4 second video on my facebook page just now! Cute!
77. And the funny one down further than that – funny too! Important to laugh!
78. And that St happened to be on right then, and I got to share them with her!
79. That J and I got to go to the Phil Donohue show that time
80. And that I asked St to videotape it, and she said she would. I never went back to see it, but I’m glad we could do that.
81. And that as I type that now, I am reminded that things *are * available.
82. That at the restaurant with Mar last night, it looked so much lighter and brighter (although smaller, which it might have been, it was another example of the fog being lifted).
83. That I had protein and fruit for breakfast today, and will have veggies and oil for lunch (and bread, I’m sure lol)
84. All those times, for about 8 months, when I didn’t eat bread. When I would go to D &V with J, and have green beans with sauce and cheese (before vegan of course). *That * abstinence.
85. That I am trying to clean up my language again
86. That I just did my 20 minutes of step 4 work. It is so hard, and has once again left me breathless and a little dizzy because every breath is struggle and makes a sound on the outbreath, but I did it!
87. And for saving msn and some e-mails and phone call(s) for after it, so I’m not left sitting here stewing and/or in pain. Wow. Glad for that.
88. Wow. That just then I went to e-mail and a new one is there and it is about step 4 and I can be reading that right now instead of sitting here alone in the turmoil. Wow. Grateful.
And what does it say among other things so far, but: How
frequently we see a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon
a stronger person for guidance and protection. This weak one, failing to meet
life's responsibilities with his own resources, never grows up. Disillusionment
and helplessness are his lot. In time all his protectors either flee or die,
and he is once more left alone and afraid. And that is so me. And as bad as it makes me feel, it gives me hope that, as J has always said, and as I’ve said to a few parents in terms of them feeling they/their kids/their families needed therapy, that they didn’t send this to over a thousand people in case I was there. Many many many of us have this issue, and there is help
89. And that L says people not in program have these problems too, but they just fester in them because they don’t do the steps to get well. (I know that is not true of all of them, and certainly hope not and am glad for that, but it makes me glad to have the program).
90. And then it talks of, “…who devote themselves to attempting to rule their fellows. These people often throw to the winds every chance for legitimate security and a happy family life.” Damn it, that’s been me too. But again, I’m grateful that there seems to be help for this too.
91. And, “Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves—two emotions quite as unhealthy as the demands which evoked them.” I’m grateful that maybe I’ve learned from this before it’s too late.
92. And that then it says, “If temperamentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped
with guilt and self-loathing. We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a
misshapen and painful pleasure out of it. As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution. Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse. This is not a moral inventory at all; it is the very process by which the depressive has so often been led to extinction.” Because that helps understand the suicidal urges some people get and I have gotten a few times.
So I am grateful to have read that.
93. And that it says that where other people are involved, we have to drop the word blame from our speech and thought. This reminds me of all those times lately when J would say, “It’s not a competition!” And I didn’t know what he meant. But I think now I do. I have to listen, and to clean up my *own * side of the street, and not look for blame or blame. I hope it’s not too late, and I’m grateful to know that now.
94. That my Recovery Meditation e-mail today says, “Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” Benjamin Franklin
95. And that it talks about freedom to enjoy my relationships with older people (mother, L, MA, ML) rather than avoid out of fear. It talks about when we lose someone older, being able to see life as even more precious and to enjoy our time with the people we still have even more.
96. That that day, years ago, in the G mall, when that woman was sort of crazy and something about a knife, we were all safe after all.
97. That I’m not the complainer I used to be.
98. That I’ll probably take a good walk later
99. *Maybe * even with J and Ph
100. That Ph didn’t have any time alone here this week
101. That I just took my morning pills again, yesterday too: multi-vitamin, 2 C’s, 1 lutein and 1 claritan.
102. Hope
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