A bit rushed. But here goes:
Yesterday I had 3 hours in the morning to do my program stuff and all. 3 hours! That's a blessing!
And I did a load of dishes. Then went to a meeting. And then took my mother to the recital. At the recital, for a good part of the hour plus, I felt good. I like being there. I enjoyed the children. I enjoyed being there by myself without J, and with my mother.
I see this as a sign that I am becoming a person in myself and that is good.
I was also able to thank God last night, for having felt well for a good deal of Friday and Saturday and Sunday and that's a very big deal.
I had nightmares last night, and woke up with the hole in my stomach feeling, so that is still frightening, but I ask for help for today.
I think J was never happy. Not never happy with me, but never happy. Oh, he had moments, many of them with me in fact. Smiling and laughing and sex and walking and vacations and all sorts of things. And, "I met one person in my life I want to be with all the time. I married her."
But remember the drugs. The need for the drugs. And the alcohol. And the work stuff. And that night, department store parking lot etc. And the sleep disorder including us playing alphabet games to try to help him get to sleep. And the inability to unwind so often. ... This stuff inside predates me. So as he works it out, if I continue working mine out, which I am, there is a chance we will be together, as full people. And please God, let it be so. Thank you.
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