I am grateful:
1. I am grateful that I am sitting here with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. A gift from a parent. So large. Much taller than my vase but with strong stems so won’t fall over. 3 hydrangeas and a few roses of different gorgeous colors including coral and some yellow daisies and big pink somethings and 2 carnations and the foliage is gorgeous and one sticking up. It is lush and cheerful and gorgeous and so far is not making me allergic.
2. I am grateful for piano.
3. I am grateful that I’m alive today and haven’t hurt or killed myself.
4. I am grateful for friends.
5. In today’s For Today it says: People to whom nothing has ever happened cannot understand the unimportance of events.” T.S. Eliot. I think that’s huge.
6. Then it goes on to say: “Events are on the outside, and problems are on the inside.”
7. And “Possessing objects or engaging in activities that attract attention can be distractions that keep one from dealing with feelings of insecurity, frustration, anger or low self-esteem. Such problems cannot be eradicated from the outside. It’s an inside job.”
8. And this, which I see as a promise: “For today: Recovery holds out the promise of a better life than I ever dreamed possible.”
9. And “The most important thing I can do today is the footwork that is bringing it about.” Okay.
10. Wow. And after I was just thinking about this this minute! In today’s Voices of Recovery it says: “A person doesn’t have to be abstinent to be welcome at OA meetings . . . In fact, many of us have kept coming back to OA despite problems with abstinence and have found this to be the key to our recovery.”
11. Sp: “It just happens. You gotta pray and meditate and all that stuff… and it just happens.” (p. 86)
12. Sp: “Reading every word front to back, maybe 4th or 5th time with one guy, over 20 years, keep reading stories that neither of us heard before – though read it tog. 5 x and I’ve read it with others many times.”
13. The Big Book Treasure Hunt an OAer made and it’s been approved (in our area at least) to use.
14. And I just got # 50 (‘cause my copy only had 49) and it is on p. 368 is the quote. “And the most important person to be honest with is yourself.”
15. Sp called me bath with that quote. And I’m grateful for that.
16. It also says in Voices of Recovery today: “sometimes I could only show up at a meeting and contribute tot eh Seventh Tradition. I cried, nodded, and tried to act as if everything was okay, even though I was falling apart emotionally.” This gives me hope for me.
17. And this: “By the grace of my God and my courage not to leave the rooms, something miraculous happened over time.”
18. And “I heard the message of those long-time abstaining members.”
19. And “It didn’t happen that one day I did everything OA suggests, but slowly I started to ask the right people profound questions.”
20. And it says this, and this reminds me of how I found my wonderful bless-ed Sponsor: “This eventually led me to the one person who was willing and strong enough to overcome every obstacle I put up to resist recovery.”
21. And this, which is so important for me to hear: “It works, no matter what.”
22. Today’s In This Moment says: “In This Moment, I feel safe.”
23. And “As a youngster, I was not allowed to cry, speak, or scream. I carried the burden of my parents’ truth. My childhood was not happy ;it wasn’t a safe place to be. I was alone. I didn’t question. For years I kept the family secrets. I looked just fine on the outside, but inside I was a mess.” And “Many years later, I found a safe place in CoDA meetings.”
24. And “I discovered people I could trust.”
25. And “I saw my parents’ characteristics in others and their truth helped set me free. I found brothers and sisters at every meeting. In CoDA, I found my true family and my authentic self.”
26. Today’s Language of Letting Go “Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we’re in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we’re not. We’re not available to participate in the relationship. We shut down.” Shit. That’s what I did in my marriage. But I’m glad to learn about it now.
27. And then it says while sometime this is legitimate, needing some time out, “Sometimes it is self-defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship.”
28. Yesterday’s Daily OM: “Warning Signs – Paying Attention to Red Flags – Red flags often come in the form of feelings urging us to pause for a moment, listen to our intuition, and reconsider.”
29. And “Just as the universe wants to provide for our needs, it also seeks to protect us from dangerous situations, destructive relationships, and even minor inconveniences. Frequently in our lives, perhaps everyday, we encounter psychic red flags warning us of potential problems or accidents. We may not always recognize the signs. However, more often than not, we may choose to ignore our intuition when it tells us that “something just isn’t right.”
30. And “We may even experience a “bad” feeling in our bellies. This is a red flag letting us know that there may be a problem. We may not even know what the red flag is about. All we know is that the universe is trying to wave us in a different direction. We just have to pay attention and go another way.”
31. And “…it is always in our best interest to pay attention to them.”
32. And this, which reminds me of A from OA: “For example, we may meet someone who outwardly seems perfect. They are intelligent, attractive, and charming.”
33. And this: “Red flags are intended with our best interests at heart. No harm can ever come from stopping long enough to heed a red flag. Pay attention to any red flags that pop up. The universe is always looking out for you.”
34. And today’s Daily OM says this: “Your mind may be alive with fun ideas for things to do today, but there may be work to be done before you can make time for enjoying yourself.” And so maybe it’s more than a day too. Like, I have to do the work on myself before I can reap the benefits of my relationship.
35. And this: “If so, you might consider focusing your attention on the tasks that are in front of you today. You might think about portioning out your time, perhaps in intervals of two-hour blocks, when you can focus entirely on your work.”
36. And this one: “Concentrating the sum of your energy on your tasks and responsibilities may help you get things done more quickly. You can then schedule breaks in between projects and make phone calls, come up with social plans, or simply anticipate how good you may feel once your work is complete.”
37. And this one (and may it be true): “See to your work today by managing your time and attention, and you'll be able to enjoy yourself later on when your time is free for fun.”
38. Bill W’s Book (As Bill Sees It) p. 61: “Fear somehow touched about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which b rought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we often set the ball rolling ourselves?”
39. And “The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and the grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain.” Okay. Ouch, scary. But therein lies the hope.
40. I am grateful that I heard from Ma last night.
41. And *grateful * that I just made all those trips from the car to the yard, stairs and all, to get the plants from the classroom out there.
42. And that I believe I will make myself report them and clean them up soon.
43. And that my jade is still alive.
44. And that I just spoke to MA.
45. And that she will call me back and perhaps we can read together sometime today.
46. I think fear and hiding ruined both my relationships. Fear, hiding, and the desire to just not be that way somewhere, and of course to have others think I wasn’t that way. I am grateful to know that now. And not to want it anymore. And to be taking steps to change it.
47. The show “Sell This House.”
48. All the shows that show dark rich floors, especially with dark furniture and still looking great. They give me good ideas.
49. That I did my prayers for everyone on my list today.
50. Including me.
51. I am grateful, so grateful, that I am not alone out in cyberspace. It was so lonely and I’m so grateful that it no longer is.
52. I’m grateful that I will not be taking my mother shopping and to the bank today.
53. And that I *will * be taking her Monday: )
54. I’m grateful that I have spent so much time at the piano today.
55. And gotten further with the Bach.
56. And cleanly.
57. And a little it better with the Chopin.
58. And that I felt relief when praying the St. Jude prayer.
59. That every day I continue to grow. For me. And that is so good for me.
60. And that it is *also * good for my long-term chances with J.
61. That I can sit here and watch a cheesy Lifetime movie for a change. Why not? : )
62. That I can make a list today, and plan what I am going to eat all week. And eat that. And only that. Things have always been best for my health and weight when I did that.
63. And that I can have a cup of cherries for a nighttime snack etc. (I’ll see that list).
64. Next morning: I just felt it – really felt it – God is more important than J.
65. And – I awoke and *immediately * said the thank you for the morning prayer, the knees prayer, and the prostate prayer, and while prostrate, I gave myself to God, all of me good and bad (and it was like the 7th step prayer but I didn’t have all the words to that memorized). And felt some relief. Wow.
66. MA let me go there yesterday.
67. And we did talk, but I got a chapter read in my book.
68. And K. said I could keep the book.
69. So I was able to mark it up with highlighter etc.
70. And wow. What a chapter.
71. MA is thinking of extending the house and staying there while gives to daughter and her family. I hope she does, because she’ll be in an area she loves, on grounds she loves, with all her perennials, not a HUGE adjustment, in her own bedroom (but bigger!:) and if ever she’s sick, she won’t be alone. I’m grateful that she’s thinking and researching that way.
72. That I just e-mailed some friends so maybe we can get together soon
73. That I just made a sample schedule for summer week that includes musts and funs
74. Yesterday’s Recovery Meditation: “One must really have suffered oneself to help others.” Mother Teresa. (I should be a big help then lol. No really. Schizophrenic mother, father died young and suddenly, relationship stuff, abuse I had, financial real hardships I had, and now this, with J.) And I *do * think it makes me a better teacher that I know suffering.
75. And it goes on to talk about past as people pleaser which would ultimately backfire because would feel used and resentful and land up in the food as way of compensating. Yes, I’ve done that too!
76. And then it says, “Since coming into the program I have changed the way I help others. Instead of doing for others so they would like me - - or so I would get a pat on the back - - [or, self, for insurance] I share my experience, strength and hope with other compulsive overeaters. I have been where they have been, and I can share with them my struggles and how I’ve overcome them.”
77. And it says, “Not only do I help others in the program with what I have learned, but, as they say, I can only keep what I have if I give it away.”
78. It even says, “I get as much - - if not more - - from sharing with another in the program.”
79. And “How different this is from the way it was before I began the program, and I’m so grateful for that!”
80. The weather was nice yesterday.
81. In today’s Recovery Meditation it says: “We shall neither fail nor falter; we shall not weaken or tire. . . give us the tools and we will finish the job.” Winston Churchill
82. And it says this and I need it: “The tools we use to help us throughout each day include: Step Work, Sponsorship, Meetings, Prayer, Meditation, Writing, Literature, Meal Plan, service and Abstinence.”
83. And it says, and I see this as a promise: ”These tools assist us in keeping our days balanced and they allow for a meaningful, productive day, each day of our recovery.
84. It even says this, and may it be true, and I *am * grateful because I *do * see it as sort of a promise: “We hold strong to our recovery with the assistance of these tools, building our endurance each day. Like soldiers marching across the field, we are on the frontline day-to-day. By using these tools and keeping them close to us, we are ready to take on anything that might come our way.”
85. And the sort of prayer is: “ONE DAY AT A TIME Give us the tools, and I will keep them close to me.” And I like that.
86. Today’s other thing says: Discipline and patience today could go a long way toward helping you manifest what you want in your life.
87. And “Discipline gives you the focus and motivation, while patience gives you the time that you need for manifestation.”
88. And this: “Remember that our goals are something that we create for ourselves. Our goals don't realize themselves; we realize our goals.”
89. And “With self-discipline and patience, we can trust ourselves to manifest our dreams.” Trust myself. Wow.
90. Wowie zowie and this: “In youth we relied on the guidance of elders to coax and motivate us so we could meet the objectives we had been given. As adults, we have both the privilege and responsibility to create our own strategies and employ our own methods in order to follow through on creating what we want.”
91. And this truism: “No one can realize our dreams but us, and we have a responsibility to ourselves to try and make them come true.”
92. And this, which I see as a promise: “Exercise discipline and patience today, and you will move at least one step closer toward achieving the goals you have set for yourself.”
93. That I have a gym so near my house.
94. And it’s safe.
95. And clean
96. And cheap
97. And I will be going to it this week.
98. And I will get help even if I have to pay a trainer.
99. And I will be good to my body.
100. And right this minute I’m going to practice piano a bit and I’m happy about that.
101. And I’m very very grateful that I feel hopeful this morning. Very grateful to God.
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