I am grateful:
1. I’m grateful that I woke up. I don’t know why, but I am.
2. I’m grateful that God has performed miracles. Because I need one now.
3. I’m grateful that I accomplished all that I did yesterday in the doing of the classroom.
4. And that I felt good about it.
5. And that on the way home, I felt okay even if we divorce. It was only for a moment. But it was strong.
6. And the strong is good for me.
7. AND good for my chances with him. And I’m grateful for both.
8. Today’s For Today: “A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labors of a spasmodic Hercules.” Anthony Trollope And I know this is true.
9. “What’s the secret of digging a garden, writing a novel, taking a fourth-step inventory or abstaining from compulsive overeating OA gave me the answer: attend to the business at hand each day, one day at a time.”
10. “I used to think the only way to tackle major projects was in geat bursts of concentrated effort. Like a child with a short attention span, I would tier myself out with the intensity of sporadic effort and then go on to something else.”
11. “…But there is one lesson I have learned well: The only time I have to abstain and practice the program of recovery is today.”
12. “For today: It is this day’s abstinence that guarantees me continued sanity and freedom – nothing else.”
13. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “I read Step Seven many times but missed this part: my shortcomings will be transformed into assets.”
14. “I had often heard that my character defects were good instincts gone awry, but it never quite registered.”
15. “If they started out as assets, then why wouldn’t God want to convert them back?”
16. “Knowing that I could become the person I pretended to be filled me with peace.”
17. And “I no longer have to try to be ‘good.’ God does it for me.”
18. “When working with sponsorees on Step Seven, I ask them to list their glaring character defects. Then together, we list the assets into which God will transform them.”
19. The relief I’m feeling right now. That if I lose the weight and am practicing piano… … … maybe J. and I can go away together and have fun and even sex. No strings attached, really.
20. How quickly I respond to hopeful things, like that Voices of Recovery reading.
21. Today’s Language of Letting go: “Messages of perfectionism [try harder do better be perfect] are tricks because we an never achieve their goal.”
22. “We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.”
23. “We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.”
24. “We can be who we are, and do it the way we do it – today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.”
25. “God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.”
26. That I practiced piano a few minutes this morning.
27. And immediately reset the timer and went right into meditation for a few minutes. I’ve been avoiding that and am *so * glad I did it.
28. Today’s Daily OM: “So often, emotions that we long to express get stored in our bodies instead. The space where this most often happens is in our bellies.” This happens to me. I thought it was just a compulsive-overeater thing, when my CoDA sponsor said she gets the feeling in her chest like heart area while I get it in my stomach. I’m glad to read this.
29. And it says: Stuffing our feelings in our bellies may feel like the “safe” response, since we then don’t really have to deal with our emotions. Yet, doing so can actually be detrimental to our emotional well-being and physical health.
30. And it says to do this: One way to connect with and release your emotions is to do a focused exercise with your stomach area. Take a moment to center yourself with some deep breathing and quiet meditation, relaxing your body fully and turning off the chatter in your brain. With your right hand on your stomach, tell yourself three times: “Please reveal to me my true emotions.” Listen for the answers. Repeat the exercise as many times as you would like, allowing yourself to drop deeper into your body each time. Notice any physical response in the stomach area, whether you have a warm, relaxed feeling in the middle of your body or if you feel tight knots in response to any emotions that do come up. You may even want to write down any answers that come to you. Remember that the body doesn’t lie.
31. And this: Releasing our pent up feelings from our bellies can prevent disease and allow us to live more authentic and expressive lives. Sometimes, if too much emotional energy builds up inside of us, a blowout can result that can cause discomfort. You can help to alleviate this compression by doing the same exercise and adding sound to your emotional release. The more guttural the sounds released through your mouth, the more emotions you are likely letting go. Releasing your emotions from your belly doesn’t have to be painful and hard; rather, it can be organic and effortless. It’s important not to judge whatever comes up for you. We tend to stuff our feelings in our bellies when we are ashamed of them or not ready to express them. There is nothing wrong with having feelings, whatever they may be. You can’t help your feelings; if anything, you can help yourself by acknowledging the truth of your emotions so you can set yourself free.
32. Becoming aware of what we’re doing is part of the recovery: Sp. this morning.
33. I’m actually grateful that I’m allergic to having flowers in the house. Because now I won’t have to pay for them : )
34. That I had time for a quick nutritious breakfast just now.
35. I’ll have to get money and lunch at lunchtime. But I’m grateful that I can do that.
36. I am grateful that I finished my classroom today. Okay, there are some odds and ends leftover, but it’s just about totally finished.
37. And I did it alone. I’m sorry I had to, bt grateful that I could.
38. And that L. will take care of the fridge this summer.
39. And that my dr. and I figured out what was going wrong with the sink.
40. And that there is a CoDA meeting.
41. And K said people have been coming. Yay.
42. And that I *may * just decide to type my books.
43. That I invited D to go out to lunch
44. And that she said yes.
45.That the day before yesterday I had a *moment * when I thought maybe I’d do well with a divorce.
46.And yesterday (this being morning now) I remembered how many times I’d been jealous of others *while J. was here * So things weren’t perfect were they
47.And that last night I actually felt like, Good. I don’t have his crazies around here right now. I can’t believe I had those three thoughts within two days. It’s like after all these months, I’m beginning to heal.
45. That although I had 2 *really * bad dreams, and one was (or seemed) veeeery long, I woke up; they were only dreams.
46. And that this morning my list of feelings (for my am CoDA work) is not so overwhelmingly negative that it doesn’t fit on the little magnetic board! In fact, for the second time since I started (about a month ago) I have more positives than negatives.
47. That today is the last day of school and I’m actually looking forward to summer, not dreading it as I have been.
48. I am going to be the best teacher *ever * next year. If for no other reasons than that I already am so good (not being conceited, just have a strong conscience and it makes me work for those kids) and that if I’m going crazy during summer, I will do extra work! : )
49.That I can actually be excited about vacation even without J. I didn’t think I could.
50.That I have 10 girlfriends and 2 potentials and 1 possible potential. If I just think of the 10: if I can call each or have each call me or make *some * kind of plans – tea, bookstore, errands, dinner here, movie, phone call chitty chat, anything – every 2 weeks each even, that’s 10 things every 14 days! I won’t be so alone after all.
51.Even every month, that would mean every 3rd day I have a phone call or visit or outing to look forward to. And I don’t think that would be a burden on anyone.
52.Plus my doggie
53.Plus my spiritual stuff
54.Plus my religious stuff
55.Plus my piano lessons (one a month is what I can afford now)
56.Plus my meetings
57.Plus my retreat
58.Plus my 2 work days that I asked for and am looking forward to and will get paid for
59.And that doesn’t even count my ability to walk on the sidewalks
60.Walk in the parks
61.Walk at beaches
62.Walk in aquaducts
63.Walk in (safe) woods
64.Swim
65.Read outside at parks (with doggie, of course!)
66.Go to the gym (cheap, clean, and nearby)
67.Sit in my own sunroom (house is under 1000 square feet but I call it sunroom because it gets a lot of sun) and enjoy
68.Do jigsaw puzzles
69.Knit, crochet, embroider
70.Paint
71.Do anything else from my hobby cabinet, including color
72.Cook – experiment – Indian food etc.
73.Go to movies alone
74.Window shop, which I ‘ve always loved
75.Go to museums
76.Just take a beautiful train ride north and back if I want.
77.Go to view the mansions, by myself.
78.Travel someplace – alone – if I want!
79.Concerts (lots of free ones in the summer, I think)
80.Have a party if I feel like it
81. That maybe in the future, I will choose who I want to be with, not who wants to be with me. And if I want to be with someone, they will have to like me AS I AM or I will move on and find someone else I want to be with. This goes for friends, lovers, everyone.
82. That by watching that silly Sex and the City S. gave me, a show with values I don’t exactly believe in, I *am * liking seeing the “girls” looking so good and wearing so many dressed and skirts, and that is getting me back in touch with my femininity.
83. That other than the couple of days when they’re cleaning it, my classroom is there. I can go in and type books, or clean cabinets, go through every single paper, make copies, do whatever I want! Any and every day I want! Or not at all! What freedom!
84. That I get up on time every day.
85. That I got the garbage out today: )
86. That I am hearing birds all over the place and I love love love the sound.
87. That I am free for 2 months!
88. That I will have a happy happy hour with my kiddies. They will do the very fun things I have planned and they will be happy.
89. That I did a good job on the report cards.
90. That it feels good that I did the classroom alone.
91. And that that helps *me * know how J. feels good getting his stuff done alone.
92. That my attraction to B. and to JandM was more about their dependency on each other (and families) characteristics, and I don’t want to be that way now.
93. That my sick chest thing is getting better
94. I have good whole food in the house
95. And I can rest for the whole weekend if I want, and that dog I was going to baby-sit isn’t even coming. And also this weekend:
96. I can take my doggie or wait a few days.
97. And maybe see a friend or more than one.
98. And go the they churchy thing with Mar.
99. And meeting(s) if I want
100. And take my mother shopping and to the back, God bless her.
(It’s really 103 but there’s a numbering problem above, and I don’t have time to fix it).
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