Update

1. Last Wed my dr (shrink) said he doesn't know how to best increase my odds for my marriage. But that it certainly seems that:
- J. is not coming back at this time
- status quo seems to be moving us further apart (that's my impression)
- the e-mail letters haven't worked
- inviting him to stuff hasn't worked
That J. knows I'm here waiting and that is not helping.

2. I have to work on myself for me. I *have to* grow as a person and a woman. I am doing all I can, and the dr. approves and says keep doing. I am doing:
*OA, CoDA, religious retreats, prayer - that's spiritual stuff.
*Eating better, started to exercise, better sleep hygiene (time, darkness, evening habits, sheets,...) - that's physical stuff.
*Soon will buy some clothes - that's physical and emotional and feeling better about self stuff.
*Being even more devoted, though I'm always devoted, at work. And piano here again. And reading. And considering studying French again or learning to cook Indian vegan food. That's brain stuff.
*Meditating - that's "everything" stuff!
*Piano, friends get-togethers, doggie time - that's joy stuff.
*Making plans for summer, getting the things done around here, even those that scare me, and my blog - that's mental health stuff.
*Open to *more* expanding of my comfort zone too. Because every time I step outside of my comfort zone, my comfort zone grows.

3. Dr. says that that same stuff that is good for me and vital for me is the only stuff that might also save my marriage.
He says that J. has to see me in a totally new light, inside and out.
And that will be a time from now.

4. So, with number 3 above, and the status quo stuff, he says I should - gulp -
not call or see J. for - gulp

3 months.

Three. Months.

Panic.

First days have been like detox. Shocking. Terrifying. I feel like I've been in literal detox. With physical symptoms etc.
I am surprised to find that my addiction to J. is far far stronger even than my addiction to food. Oh my God.

I only promised one week. (I know I'll try for the 3 months, but tell myself it's just one week 'cause it's the only thing I can even - and only barely - imagine).

5. Dr. is saying it is most important to change the status quo. That J. expects I'll do exactly what I've always done. Call,...
So don't.
Shake things up a little.
*He is *not* saying this as a means to get me to grow, while giving false hope about the marriage. He really believes this is the only chance for the marriage.
*And it's not for the purpose of trying to trick J. Just that this way isn't helping so try something new, for the health of our marriage. (In my view, it's sort of in the hope to get the marriage out of a coma and into an intensive care unit where it might have hope of living.)

6. So, it may seem strange that J. does not seem at all interested in me/us right now but I'm still praying for marriage healing etc.
But here's what's happening.

***I am working on ME.
***I am giving service to others (students, some friends, another person's doggie, and through program)
***I have seen worse-off relationships make it and my programs and religious retreat experiences tell me do not give up - it can happen.
***So although working on self for me, I am also praying and affirming and putting all the possible energy I can out there for the healing of our marriage. I have now seen very similar and even worse-off situations make it! And if I'd thought to do this a year or two ago, I might not be in this situation now. So I'm doing it while all hope is not lost.

I hope all this explains for my own clarification, and for anyone who cares about me, and for anyone whom I don't know but might be in some other place (I see many countries listed on "Stats") and might be learning anything for their own life from my experiences.

*****I ask please, please, pray for me and for the healing of my marriage. If you don't believe in a deity, just put good energy out there into the universe for us. If you don't believe in that either, just think good thoughts for us and our future together.
Please.*****

And come on here or e-mail me and ask for whatever you need in terms of prayers, vibes, thoughts from me and I will gladly do daily for you.

Thank you for listening.

(lynnblog@hotmail.com)