I have no family. I mean, not really.
My husband doesn't love me anymore, and has left. It's been 5 months already.
My father died young and suddenly.
My husband's father died anyway.
My mother is around and I do see and talk to her, but in trying not to worry her (long story - old, decrepitating, phsych problems...) I cannot let her know what is going on.
My sister and I do not speak. Long story. Unchangeable at this point; I have tried, believe me.
I have cousins but we really only e-mail sometimes and facebook sometimes. Husband and I have visited and they have been here, but not me alone. Please don't ask; I just couldn't. It's a long story. And when we, just the girls (cousins) got together, there was so much bitterness against the older generation and "what they did to us" and a lot of irreverence and from my sister, out-and-out lies, so...
This is what my dear friends are doing today:
1. One is with her loving husband, two beautiful children, and friends today (she's about 41)
2. One is happily divorced, has a married daughter and a grandchild and a loving grown son and is with lifelong friends today (she's 74)
3. One is with her family. She's been a widow for many years 3 adopted kids, grown, and something like 14 grandchildren. (she's 80)
4. One is with her husband who loves her very much, her 2 young beautiful healthy girls, her healthy loving parents, and I'm not sure if others are going to her house too. (She just turned 40).
5. One is with her lover of many years, in her new beautiful house, and they expect he'll be moving in soon. (She's about 41).
6. One is working. She has an ex-husband (ex by her choice) with whom she is *very* close, a boyfriend, and loves teaching piano (she is a world-class concertizer) so she teacher on Sundays. (She's about 39).
All different ages - all have a life.
And I am here, in the house I worked so hard - SO HARD - not to lose, all alone. Miserable and lonely and crying.
What a fucking mess I have made of my life.
I was never going to be the alone one.
I have felt so sorry for the two people I've met who have literally said, referring to themselves: I have no family. I have no friends.
And yet here I am.
With a summer off looming ahead: Fourth of July, 20th Wedding Anniversay, Labor Day, people at parks and beaches and bbq's with loved ones. And me. Alone. Because I must be a real fuck-up. This is it.
Oh my God how did I do this? What could have happened? What have I done?
I feel despondent.
Why didn't J. and I make couple friends from the right place and socialize as we should have?
Why can't I at least be with him?
Wny didn't I have kids?
Why am I all alone?
Why have I made it this way?
I hate my life right now and I hate myself right now for what I've done to it.
If anybody's reading this, cherish your time with the ones you love.
Dearest Lynn,
ReplyDeleteI understand your pain. In my 1st marriage all we had were couple friends, and his family. When we divorced I felt so incredibly alone. All 'our' friends were in actuality 'his' friends and so they were gone. My family lives thousands of miles away and honestly, if some of them had lived next door it wouldn't have made any difference.
I was alone, divorced and broken but I forced myself to get out and find friends, somehow. I became closer to co-workers, posted a personal ad (for friends and romance) and hunted down people with similar interests on meetup.com. It's been ten years and I promise you my life is completely different and I am happy.
There are still everyday struggles and way more than one person's share of tragedy, but I take it day by day.
Your isolation is temporary. It will get better. You CAN get out there, make new friends and find a wonderful life.
Please, please, please hold on and find your strength.
I am not sure what to say. I do know that you are staring fresh. Many people in recovery consider other people in recovery their family. Because a lot of people are like you. Reach out to others and let them reach out to you. Make it a challenge. And keep blogging.
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