I am grateful:
1. That I did my CoDA work this morning.
2. And last night.
3. That they say, “It works if you work it.” They really say that. A lot.
4. Today’s For Today: “I pray for the willingness to do what it is possible to do.”
5. In today’s In This Moment it says, “I’m not perfect, but I’m not all bad either. I look for, and acknowledge, my good qualities which I honor in my moral inventory. It helps to balance the scale and create a more realistic picture of myself.”
6. So interesting. Especially in light of my recent piano practicing. In today’s Language of Letting Go: “When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand’s work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sound. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one by one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned its part – the sound, the feel, the rhythm, the tones – then both hands can play together.
7. “During the time of practice, the music may not sound like much. It may sound disconnected, not particularly beautiful. But when both hands are ready to play together, music is created – a whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.”
8. I’m liking this reading as much for piano almost, as for life!
9. Then it goes on to say, “When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.” Good. This is important for me to hear.
10. We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships. One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note.”
11. “We work on our relationship with our Higher Power – our spirituality.”
12. “ We work at loving ourselves.”
13. “We work at believing we deserve the best.”
14. “We work on our finances.”
15. “On our recreation.”
16. “Sometimes on our appearance.”
17. “Sometimes on our home.”
18. “We work on feelings.”
19. “On beliefs.”
20. “On behaviors. Letting go of the old, acquiring the new.”
21. “We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.”
22. “It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music – just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.”
23. “What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, a life in harmony.”
24. And this, which I see as a promise: “The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.”
25. And this: “Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.”
26. Sponsor: “As they come.” (When I’ve been worried about how to get through the upcoming thumb days).
27. And Sp also said: “Live life as it comes. You don’t have to plan ahead. You just face it you’re competent you don’t have to do that.”
28. “You have to be able to observe things.”
29. And “Be *in * the moment. The beautiful bushes and the grass that’s growing.”
30. My tiger lilies outside.
31. And Sp said “I think that’s marvelous how God renews everything.” (talking about grass growing in between wooden steps.)
32. And said, “No matter how black something looks, He’s gonna plant grass again.”
33. And “I’m an optimist. It’s hard to get me depressed. I try to see what is. Being in the is.”
34. “So you don’t have to plan things. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get crazy or whatever.”
35. That my 5 followers still show up. I hated being alone in cyber-space. I’m so glad they’re there and that I even hear from them in comments or e-mails. Thank you, God. Thank you, people.
36. That I’m thinking of ways to let go of the dreadful ring from Ka, with so much bad history. I must do this.
37. I’m grateful that C. prayers for me.
38. And for my marriage.
39. And that I have a meeting later.
40. And someone to go to it with.
41. That Le wishes me to feel better (online)
42. MA : What needs to be in (fill) that hole is not J. It is you. And she said all of this through # 60.
43. And “J needs to go out and find the end of his own rope. And if you keep putting your hand on the rope that slows his progress down. He needs to have enough solitude and enough separation to do that. He will never find himself is what I think he feels, if he is too caught up in your aura. And he is too weak a person and he may get angry or run away or whatever he does in rebellion but basically you are a much stronger person and you’ve provided a lot of leadership and he needs the space of his own emptiness to find himself. And if he somehow agreed to come back, I think it would be a real disappointment to you shortly. Because J. needs to find J. And your personality is stronger than his. And it sounds to me like he’s been fairly passive all of his life. And if he is going to be able to live with himself and he’s not fit to live with another person until he is, he’s got to explore his own inner holes because he doesn’t have enough inner muscle to not go with that magnetic force (me). Dr. is right. If you care about J for his sake, he’s go tot find himself. And who knows what he’s gonna find.
44. She says I would really like a positive outcome from staying in contact with him but she agrees with my dr that it is counterproductive and J. feels entrapped or harassed and has this very weak little personal start he’s made and he feels it’s threatened and it might make him try to distance himself some more.
45. So my contact would make J. run farther.
46. As for my dr saying J needs to see me differently, she says the overriding thing is J seeing J and trying to overcome his own inactivity and inertia.
47. He didn’t have to wait and find out what his feelings were he could just go along with me and my strong emotional reactions.
48. He needs to self-differentiate and won’t be good for anybody especially himself until does.
49. Forcing him to be aware of himself and strengthen that very weak inner J.
50. And that my hope is that I can become more even or more rewarded for the way I face life in and of myself because I’m working on that.
51. And that the only person that can really give me a good day is me. And the only person who can give J a good day is J
52. Now let’s say that both of you do some growing in a year apart, and I think it’s gonna take J a while and I think he will be able to go back and re-visit the closeness that he had with you and he might see that you are the best option for that that warmth and that emotion that he is not particularly good at providing for himself in his life partly if you have a better grip on yours.
53. And his never did love me, is like a 7 year saying I hate you mommy.
54. “I don’t think it’s true at all that he doesn’t love you. I’ve been with you!”
55. He needs some space from you pursuing him so that he can find out what those little baby seeds of his own feelings with be.
56. He’ll also get a little older, and fell loneliness…
57. He is no good to you until he finds out. Who he is.
58. Core will be same. It’s how he acts and reacts that will be the difference. And is aware of his take on things. And he did an awful lot of avoiding and it was easier just to go along.
59. J. is a dilitante. Somebody who dallies in a whole lot of different things and just moves on. And what camp is next. He’s smart as a whip. Can search – NA, tai chi… and get positive reinforcement for me for doing it so that was part of what he could offer to the partnership. Didn’t help him face what he thought about those things.
60. He’s got to want to be good to J. Has spent lifetime avoiding. It’s very hard to come to grips and take a look and deal.
61. And MA also said: “You are a very strong person.
62. “And when you put your mind to something, and you focus on it and you do it, for others or yourself, you are very very good at it.
63. And “I am so impressed with the numbers of groups and things that you have found that are rewarding for you.
64. And “And you just remember what Aunt Sarah would say (like at 87 in the kitchen cooking and doing so much in life and this 12 years after losing her beloved great-partner husband), ‘You keep on keepin’ on.’”
65. O said yes to lunch.
66. We ate together.
67. Indian food and they had the okra.
68. And I had protein too (chick peas)
69. We had such a nice time together.
70. And – I got up my courage and took a shower – I was having a really hard time to do that today, but having a lunch date to look forward to helped!
71. And – I got up my courage and called C about the flowers he’s supposed to put in.
72. And he called back. With bs as always. But I don’t care because:
73. He called while we were having lunch. And O said do not let him. It will cost way too much. And *she * is coming over tomorrow to do it with me!
74. And – we are going to start going to the gym *together *!
75. And I did get my mother to the bank and shopping.
76. And I thank God that I saw her.
77. And I thank God that she seemed to feel well.
78. And can afford groceries.
79. And I got a few things too.
80. And tomorrow, early, I shall make some curried creamed vegan broccoli soup so I can offer it to O after we do the plant stuff.
81. And MA said she’ll come some time this summer soon and help figure out where to put perennials and give me more plantings.
82. And I am going to drive up and down that main street soon and find rattan chairs – IF I don’t just decide to use something from the basement.
83. And that beautiful D. e-mailed me and shared things and helped me. That was so nice.
84. And someone else went into the room and said she’d pray for me.
85. And I heard from Jo today.
86. And Ph will come soon. Tonight or the next day or so.
87. And tomorrow I shall do some laundry.
88. And take out the garbage.
89. And I thank God that I am able to. That I have the arms and legs to.
90. And I finally called the hand dr. And although he can’t see me until July 11, I’m so glad I will get this taken care or.
91. And Ma is going to drive to the meeting.
92. And M. called me here.
93. And I left a message for Mar about the churchy thing Sat and about possibly walking tom after work together.
94. And July 11 Mon pm K is coming over
95. And I am not all alone.
96. And I am not in a collapsed mine.
97. And I am not in a place of relentless sun with no trees.
98. And I am not in one of the floods, and have never been.
99. And I no longer feel so much like a victim as I used to.
100. And I am beginning to recover.
Thank you so much, God, for all of this.
PS And for the knowledge, as of today, that I must get out in the morning, among others, every morning!
So - I will do it by going to the gym. And O. might come too. And I am very grateful for all these ideas.
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