I am grateful:
1. That I remembered my in bed prayer this morning.
2. That I did my CoDA AM work and might remember my PM work.
3. That I was able to get up on time despite far too little sleep.
4. It says in today’s For Today: “What is possible is to grow in understanding and in the ability to acknowledge my feelings.” I’m glad because that goes with my new CoDA morning work.
5. “For today: I freely admit that certain persons arouse strong feelings in me; but I do not have to act on those feelings.” Important based on what dr. and I have discussed.
6. Voices of Recovery today “We then find that, to deal with our inner turmoil, we have to have a new way of thinking, of acting on life rather than reacting to it . . . “ OA 2nd Edition pp. 2-3
7. And the whole thing in today’s is brilliant for me. It says “It seems that all my life had been a series of reactions from fear, anger, or resentment toward others or situations, or from my own negativity or shame. To deal with my despair and inner turmoil I had to stop blaming life and find a new way of thinking.
-Stop blaming life and find a new way of thinking. –
8. And “With help from the OA program and my Higher Power, I learned that I can accept others as they are.”
9. “I learned that I am not a victim to life.”
10. “I can care for and be responsible for myself and my thinking.”
11. “I can consciously choose positive thoughts and ecisions that enable me to act on life one day at a time.”
12. “Any time that my food obsession returns, it is a sign for me that I need to look at my reactions to people and things.”
13. “I need to willingly take responsibility for my part, and for my happiness. I need to own my own power to take action.”
14. And “Today I follow the Twelve Steps and act on life.” That’s all very important and very helpful, I think.
15. Even the In This Moment book is starting to get better for me. Is it that I’m more ready? Or are these just better entries. I don’t know. Maybe me.
16. Today says, “In This Moment, nothing changes, if nothing changes.”
17. And “I used to resist change. I found security and comfort in familiarity, even when the familiar was pain, sadness, or grief.”
18. “Instead, I wanted everyone else to change so I would feel better. When I finally hit bottom, I discovered CoDA and became willing to tr something different.”
It took time, but slowly I came to believe in the benefits of change.”
19. For me, it was the beginning of understanding that I have choices.”
20. “I’m learning how to make decisions and accept responsibility for my life.”
21. In today’s Language of Letting Go: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step six of Al-Anon
22. And it says: “We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first five Steps.” And I have done that.
23. And “This work readies us for a change of heart, an openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves – God.”
24. And that “The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is not longer useful.”
25. And sitting here, having prayed and done my CoDA morning work, and at this moment in this reading, drinking my coffee, I am feeling a bit relieved from the desolation in which I woke up.
26. And it goes on to say: “The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed. Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.” Thank you God, for this!
27. “God help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self-defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.”
28. Typing out what I read, when it is something I’m grateful for reading, helps to relax me *and * cement it in my mind a bit. I am grateful for that.
29. That I somehow managed to get all my morning-work done this morning, and have 9 minutes to spare. Yay.
30. That I will be able to do the right thing today, which is go to work and give, even though I’m so exhausted.
31. And that I *will * get to make whatever decision is right for me tonight: dinner at M’s and meeting and home late or just home and sleep early. And it’s good that I will get to make that decision.
32. Thank you God, that I have done my morning-work and just hung up with Sponsor, and although my life is sadder than it’s ever been situation etc., I am not despondent right now. I am somewhat relieved and hopeful.
33. And that you for the thought: here I am wondering if/when/how I can afford some more flowers for my table by my meditation bell, and remembering some are growing in my yard right now! I shall look up where to clip and clip some! : )
34. MAGIC MOMENT: *While * I was reading The Secret Garden to the kids, other doors opened *and * we heard ducklings cheeping away and *at the same time * T (student) jumped up and exclaimed, “A butterfly!” and sure enough one had just emerged! Within moments we were watching another begin to emerge. It was magic.
35. And they were happy and I was happy too.
36. The meeting was short.
37. M and I then went out for a bit
38. And then I ate dinner at her house.
39. And she made a beautiful salad with arugula and a little bit of carrots and cucumber and walnuts and I must find out what oil and vinegar and if spices because it was awesome.
40. And tri-color multi-grain pasta with, with a stir-fry of one yellow zucchini and 1 ____and 1 onion with garlic and black pep and it was awesome too.
41. And I and M were so hospitable to me.
42. And Je wanted me to play with her.
43. And I did.
44. And I will probably take doggie for 4 days in July and that will be nice for both of us: )
45. And of course I will be good to her.
46. And I got a free “dit kit?” travel bag with samples for J while M shopped for stuff.
47. And I practiced my new Chopin piece! And it was fun!
48. And my new Bach piece too!
49. And I’m grateful that I’m excited about them both.
50. And that I had leftover Indian food for lunch and it was healthy and it was delicious.
51. My St. Jude Novena
52. That I came home instead of meeting. Because 1) I think I’d have gotten lost and 2) I’m *sooooo * tired.
53. That M. entrusts her sub plans to me.
54. That I will relax and watch 2 ½ Men
55. and Mike and Molly
56. and then go to sleep
57. And practice my Bach and Chopin tomorrow too!
58. And finish the DRAs! : )
59. The kids came up with great names for the butterfly who was fully out.
60. And finally voted on Chrystal. Goes with chrysalis. I like it.
61. That although spending $1600.00 on a pocket book is not something I could ever imagine doing, even if I had the money(!) I wasn’t literally sick to my stomach when in the upscale department scale yesterday. I remember the time that I was.
62. That I don’t have munkzillions of bad feelings today as I did the last two days.
63. That by keeping track of my feelings, getting in touch with them and journaling a bit about them, in my daily CoDA work, I am not feeling so overwhelmed by my feelings.
64. That brave made it to the list today.
65. That although I didn’t know she was there, M. was in my room for a minute or two while I was practicing yesterday.
66. And she found it fascinating, and said so.
67. And that felt nice to me.
68. And that I was able to continue even though the construction survey people were there.
69. And that I made that one feel good by returning his paper that it turned out he was feeling really nervous about having misplaced.
70. That the weather was beautiful the last two days.
71. That I *am * getting done what I need to at work.
72. That I’ve finally taught A. something *new * in math: ) Not just extending what he already knows…
73. It says in today’s For today: “Ths is not a program of searching after facts, but of looking within, attending to m spiritual needs.”
74. “it is my spirituality which nurtures all that is uniquely me.”’
75. ”The twelve steps open my heart, free my mind and release my god-given potential for the peaceful enjoyment of just being.”
76. “After ignoring the spiritual part of me for so long, it is an adventure to discover itexists and to spend part of my day exploring its reacher.”
77. For today: Whether my progress in working the program is fast or slow – and it’s mostly slow- there is one thing I know I’ll find: hope.”
78. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I pray for knowledge of God’s will for me.”
79. And that is what I’m working currently (and will be for the rest of my life, I think) in Step Seven.
80. And that if someone doesn’t believe in God, it can work for them too because they can be thinking of universal goodness or good orderly direction or collective wisdom…
81. And I can see it that way too.
82. And it refers to Step Eleven and says, “I pray for knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out.”
83. And it says, “It’s that simple!”
84. It says in today’s Voices of Recovery: “…but staying abstinent is the only way I can take my focus off food and put it on others.”
85. And, “commitment means I plan ahead for the right foods at the right times and do the spiritual work that allows me to access my Higher Power.”
86. And “Consistency means I recommit to abstinence eah da – no excuses.”
87. And this: “These words remind me that I am not a victim of a disease about which I can do nothing. I alone am responsible for accessing the Higher Power that keeps me abstinent.”
88. Oh boy. It says in today’s Language of Letting Go, “I think I can change him. Nobod’s ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I’ll be the one to do that, and then he’ll change…” And I see myself there.
89. And “Nobody’s been able to get to [him], to conquer [him] before. I’ll be the one to do that”
90. And “nobody’s ever really given him a chance
91. And “Nobody’s ver really believed in him before”
92. And it says these are warning signs. In fact, *stop * signs.
93. It says, “If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone’s life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.” It’s scary, but it’s exciting to find this in the book because it so describes me.
94. And that means someone else knows about it.
95. And that also means I’m not the only one.
96. And that also means there is a way out.
97. And it goes on to say, “This is a game. A deception. It won’t work. It’ll make us crazy. We can trust that.”
98. “We’re not seeing things clearly. Something going on with us.”
99. And that, “It will be self-defeating.”
100. And “We may the ‘the one’ all right – the one to wind up victimized,’”
101. And: “The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do is or her own work.”
102. And that “Nobod in the past has really understood him…Nobody has seen what I see in [him]…It’s a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.” And this is the first time that I understand the part of co-dependency that I thought I *didn’t * have: the kind of taking too much care of another and not focusing enough on self. I always only saw the part where *I’ve * wanted someone else to take care of me. But I see this now. And I’m grateful for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment