I am grateful:
1. Tues – and O. will come and we will do flowers.
2. I will at least try to continue practicing (piano) through the 11th when I see the hand doc.
3. That I have never harmed anyone violently. With all my emotions, at least no one is harmed due to me.
4. That I am a wonderful teacher and have helped hundreds of kids.
5. That I live a peaceful life now.
6. I have never had a surgery that’s gone bad.
7. I have hair.
8. And eyelashes.
9. And eyebrows. (I know people who don’t).
10. I have never been seriously burned.
11. I have my glorious old oak tree – 200 years old?
12. And I love to look at it.
13. And I love that it now, after my e-mail from D., can teach me lessons too.
14. And it gives me shade.
15. I see it’s gorgeous leaves moving right now in the breeze.
16. I am grateful that there are seals on the earth.
17. That even with my trigger thumb, I can still use my hands.
18. That I had protein and a tangerine for dinner.
19. That although he died so young, I had my father for all the years I had him (23).
20. That Ji came running the day it happened.
21. That I am wearing a skirt today.
22. That right at this moment I don’t feel *at all * like binging.
23. That I went to the meeting.
24. That Ma drove.
25. And I gave her money.
26. And it was such a positive meeting.
27. And Ma. looks great and is an inspiration to me.
28. And I heard a lot of good things about abstinence.
29. And I am home for just over an hour and still not eating, and won’t.
30. And tomorrow O. comes. And maybe I can take my mother for tea or something in the early evening. Or maybe Mar will call me back.
31. MA has invited me for fireworks on the 4th. Maybe I’ll go.
32. I go to the gym tomorrow.
33. I had moments of feeling okay tonight. And hopeful.
34. I saw J. He got here before I left. And he kissed me on the mouth, hello. (Outside, goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek).
35. And Ph is here! Yay! And cuddly with me. And I shall get to sleep with this darling little dog tonight.
36. And she’ll see O. tomorrow and be happy too. Plus we’ll walk, Ph and I!
37. And I *did * have some food for her. And I’ll bu more tomorrow.
38. I felt pretty sure J. is not finished with me.
39. (I started last night, so now its’ the 28th). I took my garbage out this morning. Almost didn’t. That’s still an issue for me. But I woke up in time. And I did it first thing (after praying). And it felt good to do.
40. And – they just took it. I watched. I love that they take my garbage. Still feel unworthy or too stupid somehow. But they take it and I’m grateful.
41. God has renewed me.
42. And MA and O have helped.
43. And program has helped.
44. And Ma has helped.
45. And Mar has helped.
46. And even I have helped.
47. There is hope and I am grateful.
48. I do not feel lonely at this moment. Yay.
49. And it’s partly because of dear Ph my sweet doggie who is here and next to whom I slept last night.
50. I am actually smiling right now.
51. And it’s also partly due to MA, O, Ma, and the cheerful meeting last night.
52. And hearing from EJ.
53. And the person who reached out to me in e-mail from the online thing.
54. And God.
55. And I might be planting flowers today. With my own hands. And O’s – O – a world-class and renowned pianist, planting my flowers with her hands. I guess I never know what’s coming next.
56. I’m grateful that I didn’t kill myself, and stuck around for the next great thing.
57. And the next little thing too.
58. And I’m excited about piano practice.
59. And I’m excited about the gym!
60. And that I watched a show I felt like watching last night. It didn’t matter what time or who else might have thought it was stupid…
61. And I’m grateful that I started today by giving over myself, my troubles, and all my defects to God.
62. And right now I give Him my goodnesses and happinesses too, in gratefulness.
63. My breath is coming in deeply this morning and for that I’m very grateful.
64. In doing my morning CoDA work just now, I picked, among many other feelings words, Hopeful, ***and it had nothing one way or the other to do with J!
65. Sponsor today when I told felt more accepting yesterday, about the fact that J. feels what he feels and I can’t do anything about that, I can do something about *me *said, “Ah you’re becoming free.”
66. And Sp then said, “Somebody once said, ‘Freedom is not free.’ We have to work for it. Army people, us, everybody. It costs. But it’s worth it.”
67. And I feel it’s worth it. Because it is – I am – SO MISERABLE being not free. And God made me free. Newborn babies are not encumbered by psychological bull crap. It is learned. God made me free. I want that back. And I’m willing to work for it. Because the truth is, I have it; I just don’t acknowledge it.
68. Wow. Today’s For Today is amazing. It starts with this quote: Courage does not always march to airs blown by a bugle; is not always wrought out of fabric ostentaion wears.” Frances Rodman. And I’ve been thinking a lot yesterday and today about how desperate I was to have a normal life or SEEM LIKE I did. I remember riding down a major city road with J., looking for a couch I could afford, and seeing people from like projects-type apartments outside on the divider grass having picnics. And being so jealous because my yard was like 3 feet high and I was SO MAD that he wasn’t doing anything about it. And we weren’t even married! And I was SO JEALOUS of those people who HAD a place to go outside. And I think I was even saying it, sarcastically, like, “It must be nice to live here and get to be outdoors.” What a little shit. But I know it was because I was desperate to “have what appeared to be to look normal like other people.” When in truth, I had a house and these people were sharing a divider in the middle of like a 6 lane road! How twisted! Instead of realizing “I’m with the person I love and *that’s * what mattered. I’ve been jealous MANY times over what others seemed to have – couples friends, etc. So the gratitude is to read a quote about ostentation and that I think I’ve FINALLY learned this lesson. And to read the quote when these are the exact two days I’ve been realizing it.
69. For Today goes on about courage: “Courage can be a silent act, a quiet word, a refusal – or an acceptance. Courage hs no guarantees, or certain outcomes. It is a risk taken on an unknown path. “ That’s important for me to acknowledge.
70. And it says: “Courage brings about change.” Ya.
71. And “Growth is dependent on courage.”
72. And “Today I can risk, because I am not afraid to make a mistake. I am ready for change.”
73. And “I can make choices, not out of fear or recklessness, but out of a new willingness to resolve old problems, to rid myself of old ideas.”
74. And “For today: I procrastinate out of fear of failure. Have I enough courage to examine that fear?” I must.
75. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “When someone asked exactly what I had control over in my life, I was stumped. I certainly didn’t control what went on at my job, what broke down at my house, or how others treated me.”
76. “I suddenly found it difficult to find anything I really controlled. After this realization, I was able to turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power.”
77. “Now my life is much less stressful and chaotic. The little things don’t worry me as much. “
78. “Accepting that I am not in control is a very freeing experience.” Wow. And after I was *just * talking with Sp about that!
79. “Today I admit I am not Superwoman, and I can’t do it alone. I can rust that my Higher Power is taking care of me.” I know I felt that trust 2 days ago, on Sunday, and hope to today too. I am grateful for reading it and typing it here.
80. I am grateful for the peanut butter and fried peppers on thin whole grain bread that I am eating for breakfast.
81. Today’s “In This Moment:” “In This Moment, I choose not to absorb negativity.”
82. And “I used to feel like a psychic sponge, just soaking up whatever feelings were around me – a codependent chameleon. Through working my program, I am solidifying my boundaries. I know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior for me. No one has the authority to determine this for me, but me.”
83. “In this moment, I simply observe, not absorb, someone else’s feelings. I monitor my thoughts and gently shift them away when negativity arises.”
84. “I do not engage in gossip. I focus on me.”
85. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Frequently, when faced with a problem, we may attempt to solve it in a particular way. When that way doesn’t work, we may continue trying to solve the problem in that same way. We may get frustrated, try harder, get more frustrated, and then exert more energy and influence into forcing the same solution that we have already tried and that didn’t work. That approach makes us crazy. It tends to get us stuck and trapped. It is the stuff that unmanageability is made of.”
86. “We can get caught in this same difficult pattern in relationships, in tasks, in any area of our life. We initiate something, it doesn’t work, doesn’t flow, we feel badly, then try the same approach harder, even though it’s not working and flowing. Sometimes, it’s appropriate not to give up and to try harder. Sometimes, it’s more appropriate to let go, detach, and stop trying so hard.”
87. “If it doesn’t work, if it doesn’t flow, maybe life is trying to tell us something. Life is a gentle teacher. She doesn’t always send neon road signs to guide us. Sometimes, the signs are more subtle. Something not working may be a sign!”
88. And this: “Let go. If we have become frustrated by repeated efforts that aren’t producing desired results, we may be trying to force ourselves down the wrong path. Sometimes, a different solution is appropriate. Sometimes, a different path opens up. Often, the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder. Learn to recognize when something isn’t working or isn’t flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance.”
89. And this goes with what the doctor’s been saying too.
90. And it says, “Today, I will not make myself crazy by repeatedly trying solutions that have proven themselves unsuccessful. If something isn’t working, I will step back and wait for guidance.”
91. I almost can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m grateful for the trigger thumb. Because I just did 15 minutes of really good piano practice – left hand (trigger thumb on right hand). My left hand will become stronger at piano in the next two weeks, anyway: )
92. The realization I just had that it is okay for me to just want to watch TV sometimes. Especially things I learn from, and things I enjoy (so, from Dr. Oz to 2 ½ Men). And that I can pay for that with the gym and walks, so I don’t stiffen up…
93. People want to be around positive people who are living a productive and fulfilling, happy life. Self-sufficient (to a reasonable extent) and confident. *I * want to be one of those. For *myself *. And for others to want to be around me. And I am grateful for that thought.
94. That I just did some CoDA Resentment work.
95. I meditated!
96. And it was beautiful from the moment I set the timer before even beginning! What a beautiful practice.
97. And I posted.
98. And in another place online, I was reminded that “The will of God will not lead me where the Grace of God will not keep me.” I need that and am glad I read it.
99. That it is early and I’m already at 99 gratitudes!
100. That I like and am comfortable in my nesty living room the way I have it now.
101. Koko the Gorilla, and the lessons she has taught so many of us.
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