I am grateful:
1. I have gotten through this day so far, it being 2:51, even though I’m in such anger and fear and anger at self.
2. Maybe going to Sp’s after school for Step Five work won’t hurt me more and even though I won’t/can’t finish today, it maybe could even start to help a little.
3. I have meditated 3 x today. 10 minutes am, about 6 or 7 with kiddies, and about 15 with K at lunchtime. I’m glad for that.
4. I’m very very glad for her asking and coming, in fact, because it was a better meditation than my alone one usually is
5. And because I really went out of my way to do it well with the right tone, and breathing, and words for *her * because she said she need it “because of her life.” And she did say it helped. Yay.
6. Tomorrow’s trip might just be nice.
7. And either way, I will live through the bus trip. I always do (in terms of the nausea).
8. That I was able to vent about D to Tr and she accepted it and said it was ok.
9. And to M about D also and she also really got it
10. And C really gets it, and even refers, herself (appropriately, I think).
11. Maybe these steps will help with my anger.
12. My room here doesn’t look as messy as I’d feared.
13. And I can neaten it more.
14. I made it to Sp’s
15. I did half my 5th step
16. Sp said two sides to coin and where is the Lynn he knows?
17. I think over the next 7 days or so I’ll try to add an end piece about good things about me
18. Also said what if I knew I was going to die at midnight. Like this, “I’m going to die at midnight. Wouldn’t I be sure to enjoy this evening.
19. And when I was leaving, also said, “Dance!”
20. And said we all felt, and Sp still feels “better than.” That it’s part of human nature.
21. After school, I said hi to custodian R, as always. He returned it, with his smile, which I see so differently now.
22. How are you? Good. How are you? I said, “Fine. But you would also say good no matter what anyway. That’s just how you are.”
23. He asked what I said? I repeated. He looked – perplexed? I said, “You’re always cheerful.” I was being kind of trite. But what he answered was one of the biggest lessons I’ve ever learned. He said we have to decide to be that way, or something like that.
24. Me, still trite, said, yeah or something. But he had a smile that reminded me of the Thich Nhat Hahn kind of smile. So deep. So real. So bigger than. And he said something like that again.
25. So I said, Yeah but I try to meditate every day so I can get in the practice; you just seem to have it inside you somehow. (Yes, I’m grateful that I said this).
26. He said that’s the whole idea. We have to make it a habit. He said that.
27. I said yeah, and he looked like he was wondering (he hadn’t been perplexed at all, I think, just wondering whether and what to share). And he said, “There is a French philosopher, Jean-Paul Sartre.” I said yes. He said, “And he says you create yourself.” We have to create ourself.
28. Wow. So he started doing more cleaning and me, desk work, and then he turned back and said, I have a story to tell you. And he told me the story about the potato, which I will put into today’s Journal entry. Wow.
29. I thanked him so much. (And I’m grateful I did).
30. He went to other rug and started cleaning, and came back and said, “So, what if you only have one lemon. That’s all the food, all you have left in the world. One lemon. Then you better make *delicious * lemonade.” Beautiful. Thank you, R.
31. Walking out of Sp’s house to car, phone rang. It was O. Said not ok and couldn’t talk on phone. I offered to come straight there, or for her to come to my house
32. Grateful that I offered, as above, but also grateful house is clean and anybody can stop by at any time.
33. She said please call her as soon as I got home. I put phone in place to help me remember just in case, and got home and did.
34. She shared sad things with me that she said she could not tell anyone else in the world
35. She said it was helping to talk with me.
36. Later she also said she was so happy to have me.
37. And she said that she loved me.
38. I was able to come out of myself for her.
39. She wasn’t sure if she might need to come/sleep over. I’d offered, of course, and meant it. And I knew I’d have to change sheets and was very tired and hadn’t even had any time to process about my step five but I’m grateful that I offered.
40. And she did call back as said would, after eating something, and did feel better enough to stay there and didn’t have to come, and I’m grateful for that too.
41. In the car on the way home from Sp’s, I felt like Step Four, I love. But Step Five is a miracle. It’s like magic. I felt a little like a balloon floating. I am *so * grateful for that!
42. And although I ate more than I needed last night, I did not have junk, although with the O calls I was tempted to. I feel almost like I never will again (but I know: one day at a time.)
43. And I meditated with the children for about 7 minutes.
44. And with K. at lunchtime for 15 more.
45. And it was beautiful.
46. And with the kids, our teenage visitor joined us.
47. I had lots of veggies yesterday.
48. And brown rice.
49. And protein.
50. And I’ve started looked at a little bowl of food, like the one from our “good” dishes, and realizing it in terms of the size of my stomach. And I’m glad for that.
51. I took out the plastic…recycling this morning, early. In open containers like they want. Maybe they’ll take it today. Anyway, I’m so glad I took it out.
52. And walking up and down the steps felt so good.
53. And I picked up the plastic from the sunroom floor.
54. And when I opened the door and took one step out, the smell of petunias was so beautiful I could have cried.
55. And I had to move the car to get the plastics from the back of the driveway. And when I went around the block to put it back into driveway, and even when I just moved it out of the driveway, it felt so good! Early morning, birds singing, beautiful springtime air, just cool enough. (I must get out in early mornings. Maybe for walks)
56. Plus 3 x a week I’ll get to for bringing down garbage, paper recycling, and plastics recycling. And I’m glad for that.
57. And I’m really really glad that I’m glad for that!
58. And Vegetarian Times came yesterday.
59. And I think the Colorforms will come today (they said they would).
60. My breathing is calm right now.
61. My on my knees prayer to God this morning felt good.
62. Just that I have done half of my step five.
63. And Sp made me so comfortable.
64. And I was reading it, one part (about the cigarette at age 17) actually made me laugh, it was so silly.
65. And a lot of it felt like, wow – so what? This was all so important seeming while I was writing it, and stomach and chest were getting hot, and I could barely breathe. But most of it is just either a nothing, or little medium or big mistakes but I didn’t have other coping mechanisms and it’s over now anyway and I can only do from here. Like really FELT that
66. And it all worked out yesterday with my parent and the two kids and the other class…
67. I feel a little scared but mostly ok about going into the city today for trip. I’ll be okay
68. I believe I will finish that blanket this weekend or certainly within May.
69. And buy a gift for A and baby.
70. And for Jo for all she did for me. Or at least a nice letter.
71. The house is starting to feel cozier again.
72. And Sp’s was perfectly fine even though not perfect. So mine must be too.
73. And Sp said, have you had therapy? Yes. Because you make such good connections. And Sp seemed to make a kind of big deal about that.
74. And also said something about how honest I am.
75. And – and – and – that I have the capacity for change!
76. I do have the capacity for change.
77. I am growing.
78. I am determined to have a nice day today.
79. And to be an example of God’s Power, Love, and Way of Life.
80. R, although I still think she’s still somewhat crazy, has come SO far, and actually has given me a lot. Like the idea to first do the program that is likely to kill.
81. And a few other things I can’t think of right now.
82. I’m okay. Sitting here loving that red pillow with the gold, and the hard enough soft enough sofa and loveseat.
83. Must have mother over soon.
84. Loving sitting here hearing the birds.
85. About to meditate as soon as finish these.
86. Feeling the presence of God and Mary and not too ashamed to say that.
87. Hopeful (will add one because I know this is a repeat).
88. I *will * be positive today.
89. And maybe look at library for some Sartre.
90. And see dr. later.
91. And either go to meeting tonight, or dance or “dance.” !
92. And be very good to the children.
93. Glad I straightened classroom a little yesterday afternoon.
94. Will definitely give them a nice day today.
95. Remembering all the times I felt too stressed to live fully. Back at my first Catholic School where I taught, the day on ML Ave. when I said, F. God, planning wedding (!), a few short months ago, etc. etc. etc. It was all me. And I’m grateful to know that now.
96. The day my mother looked at sign over my board “Attitude Is Everything,” and said, “That’s a great sign.” And I said, “Thank you.” And she said, ‘You should read it.” Not in a snotty way. At all. In a loving way. Because really, why *was * I so stressed?
97. That I will go to Jo today and offer money for the printing I did yesterday. And give it.
98. That I will try to pin down that phone number of N. for M.
99. That I will try not to spoil step 4 or 5 for her (or anyone).
100. That I have this gift of a day of life. Truly.
101. That if I want to I can go to a meeting tonight. Or a movie. Or a bookstore. Or a friend’s. Or a walk. … … … Or paint. Or play with Colorforms.
102. Thank you, God.
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