My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. For finally realizing that I am a tactile person. Kinesthetic, at least in some ways. And that is partly why I’m such a great typist. And some piano. And even love doing these little magnetic feelings things I now do each day. And using that characteristic helps me.
2. It also helps me to remember that *most * of the kids are more that way than verbal, and *need * this kind of thing.
3. Plus they need *movement. *
4. And so do I! : )
5. I am grateful that even though without using that exact word, K was talking to me of impermanence the other day. All is impermanent. As I learned at the TNH retreat(s) too. Big lesson. Is sinking in more.
6. In today’s For Today: “The date may be the same, even the place and some of the people. But I have changed. I am not the person I was before I came to OA. Today I have a way to live and a program to follow that keeps me abstinent and same, as long as I am willing to follow it.
7. Wow, remember when just having that “friend” from my masters class over for dinner on the way to class put me in such a panic that Ji had to come home from work and help me! I was a mess! Wow. That’s so sad. For me and for him. And for everyone I touched. But I *have * come a far way since *that *!
8. And it says, “Whether.., today I do not let myself feel rushed. I move slowly, with deliberation and a sense of purpose.”
9. And “A special day is a day to enjoy the people around me, the beauty of nature.”
10. And “I once found momentary pleasure in excess food, but the pleasure of abstinence will last far beyond this day and all its happenings.” And I think this can be applied to boring, little, work, any days, not just “holidays.”
11. That last evening at about 8:30 or so, on the way home from MA’s, I felt bad *but was able to remember * right there in the car, Sp’s attitude of, “I’m gonna die at midnight tonight. So there are no worries about tomorrow. AND I’m gonna die at midnight tonight. So dance!” And I tried to enjoy the rest of the evening.
12. Today’s In This Moment is testament to the value of (recognizing and) allowing self to *feel * my feelings.
13. And in today’s Voices of Recovery it says, “…myself acknowledge that the payoffs are no longer worth the pain.” (Talking about Step Four/Five stuff).
14. It hurts a lot, but I’m grateful to know the saying, “You can’t get blood from a stone.”
15. Although it is both good for me and good during, I still resist meditating. BUT – I’m resisting it a little less the last two days. Hm. Since started working the CoDA program, and since being born again. Wow.
16. Came here just to post this one gratitude: Hearing those birds outside my window right now. It brings me right into the reality of the beautiful gift of the moment. I am so grateful for that.
17. It is amazing how wonderful finishing a load of laundry feels. I did one. Including sheets. I’m just saying it here: after more than 4 months. Yup. That was the last of the major hygiene self-care hurdles. And I have done it. And towels and socks and underwear (which is NOT the first time lol). Anyway, I’m grateful that I did it.
18. And that I have a dryer where they are drying now.
19. And that it felt so good taking them out of the washer and putting them into the dryer.
20. And that I used the largest cycle and it didn’t leak.
21. And I’m grateful for electricity. I’m sure I must have said that in one of my earlier gratitudes but I’m especially grateful for it today because of all I’ve done today. Including the electricity for the washer.
22. And the dryer.
23. And the stove (even though gas stove, electricity needed to start it).
24. And I’m grateful that I made homemade lentil soup. (It’s almost finished cooking now).
25. And LOTS of it.
26. And that I gave J. the nice package of sweet healthy blueberries yesterday.
27. And that I made the big tray of veggie bake I make. And there are at least 7 ginormous but healthy servings in there, including veggies, a bit of olive oil, protein, and whole grain (and a little margarine and breadcrumbs) in each. So, a complete meal in each serving. It has broccoli and collards and spinach and artichokes and onions and carrots and celery. (And gardein “chicken”). Lot of good –for-me veggies).
28. And – I have made the hummus! Making it a few more times will pay for the flowers I bought!: ) And it’s healthier because I know exactly what went in it. I don’t love it – it tastes too much like tahini instead of hummus – but it is good-tasting enough, and protein rich, and healthy ingreds., and I made it! I am grateful for this luxury of homemade hummus.
29. No a/c so far today: )
30. I just made that phone call I found frightening to make, to Ch to see about doing our yard clean-up etc. for business. I’m grateful that I got that done. AND that I left one message with Mar while talking with her, and one on Ch’s machine.
31. And that if I do not hear back by tomorrow night, I will try once more and then by Wednesday night call someone else. This *will * get done. And I will use my yard. And not live in filth. And not be ashamed. And I am grateful for thinking that way and for any strength I have.
32. I have put away all the food and the dishwasher is running. I have in the fridge right now: lots and lots of lentil soup, about 6 really good healthy servings of the veggie/protein/whole grain bake, homemade hummus, some leftover kale salad, lots of (on sale!) coconut milk yogurt, Ezekial bread, peanut butter, prunes, pears, orange juice, tofu, veggie broth, soy milk, almond milk, and more!
33. And in the freezer I have more lentil soup, that braised cabbage and “arborio rice” dish 3 servings, a nice serving of cabbage-veggie soup with some beans in it, veggies, plantains, squash or something, and more!
34. And in the cabinet I have whole grain pasta and jarred sauce and whole grains and real oatmeal and even instant, and cans of beans and cans of soup, and many spices, and rice thingies, and more!
35. And on the counter I have 2 apples and an orange. And this is what I call wealth. And billions on this planet would call it wealth too. I am fortunate and I am grateful.
36. And on top of it all I am sitting here sipping blooming tea with fresh lemon in it while I am near fresh flowers.
37. And I’m grateful that I just typed, “So who am I to obsess about “problem” but deleted it because this is *gratitudes * - NOT *put-myself-downitudes *!
38. And I have a place where I can go to ask about how to make better hummus.
39. And I did.
40. And I will probably get some replies.
41. I am grateful for the thought that: this is just one day. Just one day off. It is not a lifetime of loneliness and nobody to have a holiday with. In fact, it is an opportunity to grow so that my life is a lot better next year than today! And anyway, it is actually going fine so far: )
42. All the people who’ve come on to share the love about Little-Dog being here: ) Nice.
43. That in ea online just now, under Just For Today in the site, I saw this: “Just for today I will try to be happy, realizing my happiness does not depend on what others do or say or what happens around me. Happiness is a result of being at peace with myself.” This is huge.
44. And this: “Just for today I choose to believe that I can live this one day.”
45. That I think I am ready to start doing my cross-stitch again! Like today! Or very soon! I’m excited about this!
46. I meant ready emotionally, but I’m also so grateful that my thumb is still well!
47. I just spent 11 minutes practicing Mozart.
48. I truly don’t want to feel bad about myself.
49. I am kind of relaxing today. With no pills either (as usual no pills but not as usual relaxing).
50. Having occasions lately (D about daughter, A about son, and person on ea online today) to hear about borderline personality disorder (emotional dysregulation) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Because I think the former is part of what I have, and the latter is part of what I need. I have looked it up accordingly now. And there is hope in that for me.
51. And that right there in the medical thing(!) they mention mindfulness as in particular, “not … but the kind Thich Nhat Hahn teaches”! Wow!
52. That I just finished second load of laundry. Clothes. Can technically get through Friday now. But think will do one more anyway!
53. That called M about whether to stay in all day if relaxing
54. And that she said because of what I’ve been going through, it is important that I take a walk with Ph at least. And that she has “strong feelings” about a good set-up for my week by doing that.
55. I am grateful that although the a/c’s are in (d.r. and b.r.), and it is warm and was humid today, that I haven’t used a/c. I am fine. And trying to use less.
56. That even though I pray to God that this loss is only temporary, or the permanent part of the loss is only the sick part and we become happily married together (!), I am glad that it says in today’s Daily Om: “When we are ready, the void left by a relationship, a job, or a dream can then be viewed as open space that can be filled with something new.”
57. And it says, “Try not to rush into anything just to fill up the emptiness.” And “…the loss of a relationship can give you a chance to rediscover your own interests, explore new passions, and meet different people.”
58. That in a Daily Recovery Meditation from the other day, it says, “"Serenity is not freedom from the storm,
but peace amid the storm." Anonymous Quote
59. And it goes on to say, “Why is serenity so important to our
recovery? Because darkness cannot exist
where there is light! If we can maintain
a serene state of mind as established
through our faith in HP and the BB
Promises, negative emotions and
behaviour will have no power over
us. Stress, fear, compulsiveness,
obsessiveness, resentment, guilt, shame,
willfulness, doubt, distrust, greed and
envy, have no power over a mind that is
kept in serene repose. Serenity allows
us to see situations clearly and
make wise decisions. Most importantly, by
maintaining a serene mind, we keep the
door to our High Power open.”
60. And this: “ONE DAY AT A TIME…I will face each challenge with grace and serenity.”
61. And I’m grateful for this little prayer, which was in another Recovery Daily meditation, that I opened today: I pray that God will help me to manage
and balance my life so that I can do a
good job with all things, especially
living.
62. I am grateful that third wash is in.
63. And towels are folded and put away. This is more than I’ve done in a LONG time!
64. And tonight, I will make my bed with clean sheets, and sleep in them.
65. And I am about to begin reading the ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) book now, even though I need Two and a Half Men (marathon) on in the background with me at this point. I did not have an *alcoholic * parent, but other family issues which they talk about on their site and could qualify for this program too! I don’t want a third program(!) but CoDA sponsor and I think this book could be very helpful for me, as it has been for her.
66. I never realized until just now, beginning the ACA book, that I always looked good until my father died. THAT was the turning point of looking more like a stereotypical movie version of an old short fat Italian woman in mourning. I am Italian, so if you are reading this, I mean no offense! It’s just my picture. I wasn’t fat at the time, but that’s where the dumpiness began. And I believe where the not washing my hair every other night began too: ( Yes. It was that year, my first year of full time teaching. Wow. What a discovery. I am grateful for he knowledge. Wish it’d come sooner, but grateful for it.
67. And that the first pages were *not * painful to read, but good.
68. And that there is hope here too.
69. And the 3rd big load of laundry is done. 2 very big and 1 medium big. And all is hanging (and a little in dryer still turning). All I have left to do is make the bed, and that’ll be easy : )
70. And I just ate pasta for dinner and did not eat as much as I’d have liked.
71. And Ph and I *will * have a nice walk a little later : ) I’ve decided.
72. And I’m gonna try to get up at 4:30 and if not, then 5:00 and I’m glad I’m able to get up and function so early.
73. All the really good hummus recipes I got from people in response to my post today : )
74. That I will get to sleep with my Ph again tonight. Thank you, God. And maybe I’ll come straight home and take to park, and she can stay ‘til Thursday! We’ll see : )
75. Sometimes I wonder *why * meetings help. Maybe I’m not supposed to, but I do. And I just saw this on ACA site: “The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.” And that helped me to understand about the meetings, too, I think.
76. The beautiful Native to this land poetry I found during my research that time.
77. And “When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors.”
78. And, “We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.”
79. And after saying about seeing others who know how I feel (which there *is * a meeting I can maybe get to – well I can definitely get to – if it exists: ) – it says: “We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with your Higher Power, yourself, and your parents.”
80. That my daddy served in WWII.
81. And that he lived through it.
82. My mother for giving birth to me.
83. My father for conceiving me and supporting her through the pregnancy.
84. Dr. F. who did my double surgery successfully.
85. Dr. A. who did my emergency surgery successfully.
86. The nurses at the hospital after my heart procedure, who helped me when I was going into shock.
87. My sense of taste. The enjoyment of it.
88. And – that it helps me not to eat poisons.
89. My immune system.
90. My nervous system.
91. My mind that is able to have memories.
92. My teachers. Mrs. O’S, my kindergarten teacher.
93. And what she did the day of my zebra-man drawing: )
94. The moon.
95. The stars. Both for brightening up our night sky.
96. Rain. For helping the flowers and other plants grow.
97. Oxygen. For making life possible.
98. Water. For making life possible.
99. The classical music radio station for in the car.
100. Kind strangers. Random acts of kindness.
101. And the person who coined that term, so we’d “all” become so familiar with it.