I am grateful:
1. “Oh wow. That’s good.” That’s what I said aloud when getting to the bottom of the body of today’s reading in For Today. It is good, and it is so timely for me working Step Six right now too.
2. It says, “Today I have a way to deal constructively with my [it says anger but it could be anything, I think]: I have steps that lead me to freedom and a higher Power to restore me to sanity.”
3. And, “Am I entirely ready to have God remove my anger?
4. And, “For today: Taking responsibility for my anger by admitting it is the first step toward a return to sanity and balance.”
5. I started this page reading the quote at the top and thinking of how it applies to J. (Which shows only further how I need the program). And ended it applying it to myself, thank God.
6. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I let go of the outcome.”
7. And “I’ve identified a need for companionship and decided to reach out to get that need met.”
8. And “I can identify my need and take action.”
9. And “I can’t make it happen.”
10. That I’m a little calmer now and less frantic than when I woke up. Thank you, God.
11. That I am getting more of my work done than I’d anticipated I’d have time for.
12. And it says this, “I can initiate and ask to get my needs met. The outcome is up to God.”
13. And, “Step One: I admit a need. Step Tow: I accept that the fulfillment of that need is up to God. Step Three: I turn it over to God and let go of the outcome.”
14. And the very important today’s Voices of Recovery (which I do keep hearing about at meetings so maybe should go to more): “In Step Three we learned faith as we made the most important decision we had every made, the decision to trust God – as we understood God – with our will and our lives.” 12 & 12 OA p. 104
15. And it goes on to say, “For many years, Step Three to me was nothing more than a decision to be willing. The principle of faith was the key I had been missing.” Wow. Big.
16. And this, which I needed so much to hear this morning, and I love: “This reminds me of the parable, ‘If only I have faith the size of a mustard seed – miracles can happen.’”
17. I think right now the most important thing is faith and am grateful for whatever the amount of it I have. (Will run this by/check this with Sp).
18. And that means I am finding things to love which are not J.
19. And that my class voted “FOR” The Secret Garden. Which I think they need and will be good for them. AND is so good for me to be reading right now.
20. And it goes on to say, “When I applied the God power I found in Step Two to the decision I made in Step Three, I found the willingness to carry on with the rest of the Twelve Steps and to remain abstinent from compulsive eating. “
21. And, “It was then I allowed the miracles to begin.”
22. I am actually grateful for this aspect of my fear and even panic: it makes me able to relate to and support others when they are in fear/panic, even though it may be a totally different cause. (And God – could you let me let it go now please partly lol).
23. Next morning, to finish them. I got to show that film and that was good for them and for me.
24. We had a really good morning. I worked hard, they seemed happy, and even Tr said what a great morning it went by so quickly.
25. Maybe I’m grateful that K. wasn’t in on M., because I’m not ready to talk about it?
26. I cleaned out my pocket book. And that felt good.
27. I took my break at prep time and read through my VT magazine.
28. Although lunch started out as just me and D : ( another joined and then others, and we wound up laughing a lot.
29. D and Gl both seemed at least to understand what I was saying about my mixed feelings about reading fiction right now.
30. That I saw on the site last night that that one meeting I’ve been thinking about is known as an AA 12 & 12 meeting, which is good.
31. That I’ve been hearing that abstinence is the last to go. It’s when the habits and footwork start dwindling that the trouble is there and coming. L – don’t stop the footwork!
32. Although I ate too much last night : ( I did have plenty of nutrients yesterday, fruit, veggies, calcium, protein.
33. That I woke up on time enough, even though the alarm clock seems to be broken.
34. Started the money teaching yesterday.
35. Good part in Secret Garden yesterday. I’m glad.
36. Ma called. I’d been thinking maybe she doesn’t like me anymore. But she actually called to apologize because she was PMSing and moody and “not good company” Mon. night.
37. I watched Dr. Phil and felt like it. And will probably again today.
38. But then, I want to go to that meeting, so we’ll see.
39. I did sleep last night. I don’t like these dreams but I did sleep.
40. Got two OA phone calls. Shei from Sun day before yesterday, and She last night. (Must return them).
41. Saw Sh Mon. I love her.
42. M. got a great new nanny.
43. And is seeming to be stronger about working things out with this one.
44. I gave over an hour to my mother’s phone problem. And – may have gotten it resolved too, I think.
45. Seeing the geese and goslings pecking at the grass.
46. I just smiled.
47. There is still hope. I may have to forego temporary comforts in favor of long-term solution, but there is hope. I wish I knew what to do. Will have to pray more. Oh, and already am.
48. For today for like 2 months of todays, I don’t turn to junk eating.
49. Dr. comes today.
50. I may write and e-mail to my friends, MA and ask her to inform ML also, S, St, M, O, maybe even Ma, maybe even K, maybe even Mar? asking for what I need.
51. They say the answer is in the steps. I *am * doing the steps.
52. In today’s For Today, “To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle. Every cubic inch of space is a miracle. “ Walt Whitman
53. Jo came and worked out the using-the-desktop-with-the-SmartBoard-problem yesterday. That was so nice.
54. I thanked her *again. *
55. And today’s for Today also says, “There are many miracles in Overeaters Anonymous.”
56. It says, “It is a miracle that I am abstinent today, that I have the courage and faith to turn over the running of my life to God.”
57. And, “It is a miracle that others who suffer from my illness have provided a place for me to go where I am accepted just as I am.”
58. And, “And it is a miracle to have a path to follow that restores me to sanity.”
59. And, “The central miracle of my life is that I have been restored to sanity and usefulness.”
60. This one scares me (and that is telling) but it says in today’s In This Moment, “The feelings of others are not in my control and no one else can control mine. I am free to feel and express my feelings. I enjoy this freedom.”
61. It says in today’s Voices of Recovery, “This program is not a once-in-a-while thing. It is an everyday commitment.
62. “And The abstinence is for the fat downstairs and the Twelve Steps are for the fat upstairs – in the head.” OA 1st edition p. 150
63. And “Recovery is a one-0day-at-a-time procedure that requires time for clearing away the debris of the past.”
64. And, “I can do this best by adding more meditation, more meetings, and more service, rather than by taking time off.”
65. L – I don’t know why more meetings. But I know it does help. And I’m glad it does.
66. That I was never picked for that jury duty. Boy am I glad about that. And as this might be a repeat, I’ll put the next one right in here too. That I don’t watch crime shows anymore.
67. From my book from Sponsor: “2 In God’s Hands When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned.”
68. And, “My depression deepened unbearably, and finally it seemed to me as though I were at the very bottom of the pit.” Yes. That’s me.
69. And then it says, “for the moment, the last vestige of my proud obstinacy was crushed. All at once I found myself crying out, ‘If there is a God, let Him show Himself! I am ready to do anything, anything!’” Yes. That’s me.
70. And then it says, “Suddenly the room lit up with a great white light. I t seemed ot me, in the mind’s eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world, a new world of consciousness. All aobut me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence, and I thought to myself, ’So this is the God of the preachers!’” Wow. What a promise, or potential kind of a thing.
71. Now I have never had that kind of thing, but I have had relief when I pray lately, and have prayed more and more. And even had a little this morning when prayed.
72. And in book from Sp p. 3 it says, “Someone once remarked that pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.’s can agree with him, for we know that the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity.”
73. And, “Believe more deeply. hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see.”
74. And on p. 4 it says, “As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction.”
75. And then it says, “yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.’s Twelve Steps.”
76. “In short, we chose to ‘become willing,’ and no better choice did we ever make.’”
77. P. 5 “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile.”
78. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of harboring resentment is infinitely grave.”
79. “For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.”
80. “If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.”
81. And my Sp wrote, “1/94 I can feel it, but not express it.” I don’t know. But I’m grateful for these thoughts.
82. P. 6 “Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety.
83. “In fact, they usually do,
84. and they must, else we could have no life at all.
85. “But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, w find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride. Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our oldtime attitude of ‘all or nothing’ will have to be abandoned.” Ow. But Sp wrote, “Yes! &Wow!”
86. That I listened to OA CD in car yesterday both ways, and will today too.
87. P. 7 “We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”
88. Although late, I did get the paper recycling out.
89. And I was wearing clicky shoes and felt feminine doing it.
90. And minutes later, like 3 (!), they just took it. I watched them. They didn’t even look at it. So hum hum. Yay I love that.
91. I did do some more step 6 work just now. It’s hard. I’m grateful that I did it again today.
92. In this moment, I am okay.
93. Jo’s e-mail.
94. Today’s Daily Om thing: When we reach out with love to people, we will receive love back. Love is a powerful gift that opens up hearts and melts resistance.
95. It also comes back to us in spades because that's the way love works.
96. Love is a great neutralizer and magnifier and deflector and reflector. Others, caught by the arrows of our love, open up and flow that love right back to us.
97. Connect with the people you love today and receive the love that comes back to you;
98. bask in the experience of emanating love and being loved.
99. Sp’s talking about the convention CDs getting him on knees (had to find out if Jews can: )
100. Upcoming convention. And don’t even have to pay for hotel.
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