I am grateful:
1. I did my Step Five
2. I lived through it
3. So did Sp.
4. Sp said would someone publish this? Me: no. Sp: why….Because it’s not new. They’ve heard it all a thousand times. As has Sp.
5. Sp said there is nothing in there hasn’t heard a thousand times.
6. And asked what did I learn
7. Wanted me to get that not unique
8. And that only person I need is not J, only person I need is me
9. And that I am the most important person in my life
10. And that I must take care of me
11. And I was excited that like, I really have a right to?
12. Sp said not just a right – an obligation.
13. And that I’m the *only * one I have to take care of. That I have some responsibility – that *I’ve * taken on – to my mother, but other than that (and *I * added, to my students).
14. And said I have a lot more work to do. This is 5. Out of 12. That I have to clean myself up. That it’s like I scrubbed the skin of the fruit and now I have to start on the inside.
15. And described what’s next.
16. And I liked hearing it.
17. A lot of what I was breathless writing, really felt silly to even bother reading. Wow.
18. Maybe I’m not as bad as I thought.
19. But I do have cleaning up to do. Work to do. And I’m glad to have it and know what it is so I can do it.
20. And Sp emphasized that with amends list, I must list the people, then exactly what I would say to them and go over it with Sp because it will be too much and a lot of it not necessary because that’s what we all do
21. And I actually felt a physical sensation as we were talking right after I finished reading it. Like clean inside my body, veins, legs.
22. And then I went to the bookstore! The one that I’d only ever been to before with J driving. It was like far and confusing and exotic and nervous-making and of course I needed him to take me there. Only no! It’s right there. And it’s just a bookstore. A place I, just like everyone else, can use for my own benefit. Just to go and get a book! The scary mystique is gone.
23. And I got two books! Just went in and got two books for myself. One for our book course, ‘cause I finally did it after Sh said it’s light and easy and nice to read, plus I may need to relax some this weekend. And The Story of My Life by Helen Keller, which I know I read when I was younger but I don’t seem to have and want to read again now and may even read some to self during class’ read time today! (Or Monday, since today is allowed to be noisy).
24. And driving to the parking lot of the bookstore, I kept thinking of/getting an image of/feeling like – a newborn baby. Like, fresher and cleaner, with a lot of work to do but I’m not worried about that. Just like a newborn baby is going to have a lot of work to do but they’re not worrying about that. First they breathe, and cry, and eat. Then someday they’ll crawl. Then walk. But they’re still fresh and clean and pure.
25. And although I woke up hard and my stomach doesn’t feel right, something inside me is still breathing easier.
26. And I thank God for this whole miracle.
27. And by this afternoon, the F. meeting will be over.
28. And Sp is perfectly honest and said doesn’t worry about the future anymore and I asked will that really happen for me (future and past) and Sp said is perfectly honest so can’t really say for sure, lot of work to do, but for self, this is what happened…and it did feel comforting.
29. And I know the big book promises it.
30. And I am willing to do all the work.
31. And I did call M on way to Sp’s to see if I’ve influenced her at all to *not * want oa: ( I’m glad I had the courage to call.
32. And she said no no no. That one of the reasons she’d wanted to go was to connect with me.
33. And that she’d still like me to come for dinner.
34. And that she spoke with I and he said, “Oh, Lynn, she’s so easy. She’s welcome here anytime.” And that he doesn’t always react that way, for sure.
35. I am a capable adult.
36. Sp said that if I don’t take care of self, I cannot do for anyone else. (Hence “obligation.”)
37. I think, also, it gives glory to God. Who made me. And gave me assets.
38. Oh, and Sp said I’ve really only done half. That I *must * list the things I’ve done that make God smile. That I’ve definitely done them, we all have. And I must make that list. Not to read to Sp. But for self.
39. “The illusions I had a a compulsive overeater were at the root of my illness.” Today’s For Today.
40. “{Chief among my illusions was the belief that I could only get through my days with aid of excess food.”}
41. And “Hope that I could recover gave me the will and the energy to examine ideas that drove me to use food as a painkiller.”
42. “When exposed to the bright light of reality these ideas – my old illusions – crumble into dust and blow away.”
43. “For Today: There is so much hope in OA that it fills and replenishes me if I only go and listen.”
44. “Disillusionment comes when illusions are shattered and there is nothing better with which to replace them.”
45. “In This Moment” today: “In This Moment, I seek balance. I’m aware of a need to find a balance between extremes. I want to be kind, not smothering.”
46. “I want to be truthful, not brutally frank.”
47. “I want to be generous, not enabling.”
48. “I want to control my own behavior, not another’s.”
49. “I want to be an example of recovery and not lapse into the traits of codependency.”
50. “I know I can count on my Higher Power’s help, today, and every day.”
51. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “Tradition Five reminds us that our recovery doesn’t come from simply discussing our problems with each other. It is in the OA message – in our Steps and Traditions – that we find solutions to our problems.” OA 12 & 12 p. 146.
52. “Before I found OA I had sought help from psychiatrists and a counselor. I became adept at talking about my problems. I was grateful for someone to listen to me describe my difficulties. But it was easy to slide into self-pity. I learned a lot about myself. I could analyze my past and came to see my past in a new way. I became better able to understand and love my mother. But none of these things stopped me from eating compulsively. It was only by attending meetings and working the program constantly that my compulsion was relieved.”
53. That I got here safely.
54. That I was not late because the sad (bad accident) traffic was going south and I was going north
55. That Sp loved what I shared about after our step 5 meeting yesterday
56. And thanked me for sharing it
57. And said I could even write that up and send it to Lifeline (I had shared about the bookstore and the baby imagery)
58. For that day back at the other school before this one, when P walked into the little lounge, and I was in the middle of compulsive eating – which I usually wouldn’t do it where others might walk in and find me. Yet there I was, stuffing some bakery-type thing in my mouth with another nearby or remains cause had already eaten and like eating from my chest so the wrapper, bag, whatever and crumbs on my chest. And she looked (suitably) horrified. And that lesson of that day helps me now. I’m sorry it didn’t help me sooner, but it helps me now.
59. That M was compassionate with me today.
60. That although I shouldn’t and won’t continue spending so much, I was *able * to go to hfs and make sure I’m in good shape food-wise today and tomorrow. Actually, I am through weekend too if I cook: ) That’s very fortunate and many people on this earth cannot say it. I am very grateful for that all.
61. That I did write to J. It is FAR from perfect, but I did it. And I think that at this point taking action is better than not.
62. That although we didn’t get the aide for F., it will be looked at again in September.
63. That I am about to have celery.
64. That I’m learning fro these Oprah’s shows.
65. She is now saying: I stopped trying to get him (Stedman) to be anything other than who he was. Because we were both trying to get over things from our childhoods. And that it’s because of that that they’re still together (because of the Harvel Dr. guy who was on her show when she worked that out).
66. That it felt like the kids were happy today.
67. That because the dr. had to cancel for next week (☹) at least he said if there is a problem, to call him.
68. I have OA calls to make tonight.
69. That there is a little piece of me that is okay.
70. And that if I keep getting that image I got once today of quietly, without a word to anyone, just taking a bottle of pills, I will call dr, hotline, someone.
71. And that I got the garbage out today. That is not a repeat. Because I literally was out the door, having decided I would just put out 2 bags next Tuesday and none today. But I decided no, I *would * do it. So I came back in, put the den and bathroom garbage into that bag with the kitchen garbage, and took it out. And that felt and still feels good.
72. That I’m about to do laundry. And that is good.
73. That I had a good feeling at Sp’s house. And strength from Sp, although we certainly do not see everything the same way for ex. “green” issues, and, I suspect, politics.
74. That even though the baseboards need bleeding, I can still get some heat tonight – if needed.
75. This man on Oprah right now (in a back-story thing) who is on this show100 years old and literally learned the alphabet and to read, 2 years ago! Wow. Inspirational.
76. And 2 years later he became a best-selling author! Book: Life Is So Good. Name: Dawson. Died at 103 years old.
77. And now there is a school George Dawson Middle School. He was the grandson of a slave and went to work at age 8 and did not have these opportunities. And took all the “white people looking down on him” in stride.
78. His motto: It’s never too late to change.
79. Oooh – and Sp yesterday called me Inspirational.
80. That I found my cell phone, which I thought I’d misplaced or temporarily lost after the meeting, when I was in the car later.
81. And that I did remember to take home my food from the classroom fridge, which I’d thought I’d forgotten.
82. That we’ll probably all meet our deadlines, or at least enough of our deadlines, for a great share next week!
83. L’s delight at the “chicks” (goslings) on our way into the high school today.
84. And my sharing with her the story of how J and Ph and I were at the lake and the geese became like sentry guards squealing etc. and protected those babies.
85. That I did ride on the boat at the amusement park this past summer.
86. That there is still hope for us. (Repeat so I’ll do more).
87. All pain is pain. The same. … All people… And when they know better, they do better. Oprah today.
88. Je’s thought: “Be as tenacious as the blade of grass that breaks through the street and claims its life.”
89. That I have 7 program phone messages on my phones this week. That feels so good, and so unlonely. Thank you, God, for that.
90. That 1 mentioned specifically that I’d put a heart next to my name (meaning needs calls) *and * the e-mail I’d sent her.
91. And one said she was carrying me in her heart this week and thinking good thoughts (and that my share had touched her heart).
92. And I have called every one of them back, now. Except one, whom I’m about to call right now.
93. That I’m going to try the quinoa with tomatoes and tofutti American style vegan cheese. Kind of like 10 years ago when I’d have brown rice with tomatoes and real American cheese and did so well with food on program. And this will have protein too.
94. Wow. Wow. It really didn’t hit me until just now that I didn’t even think to feel bad that I was unable to reach anyone on a Friday evening. I’m glad for that.
95. That I sometimes get something out of the Dr. Phil show.
96. That I *still * feel good about my bookstore experience yesterday.
97. And that I will never go back to being a before-I’ve-done-Step-Five person.
98. That I never know what God might have planned for me. What wonderful miracle of life in the future. Or this moment.
99. That I do think I’ll be able to sleep tonight, despite my worries and nervousness.
100. I just did some laundry! Yay: ) And still enjoy it. Yay.
101. That I’m *beginning * to learn to pray for help, meditate, try to follow the good orderly direction, do all I can, and then let God handle the results.
102. That although I *cannot * find my OA workbook – with my answers in parts of it! – I am *not * in a panic about it!
103. And – that I *did * (re-)find my OA 12 & 12.
104. Hope
105. That Blogger’s back to working, ‘cause it wasn’t this morning.
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