I am grateful:
1. That having just said a little in bed prayer, my ACTS kneeling prayer, and the 2 3rd step prayers, I feel some relief.
2. Today’s In This Moment says, “Intuition guides me to fill the bland pages of my life with confidence.”
3. I’s father sharing with the class how he used his “weaknesses” to make a great life for himself, example crew.
4. I.’s confidence and how it shines as an example for me.
5. Today’s Voices of Recovery says, “I don’t need to punish myself with excess food.”
6. And, “working the program of recovery on all three levels, I have learned to love myself enough to want recovery and be willing to do the footwork required to get and retain abstinence.”
7. In my new book from Sp, called As Bill Sees It, it says, “It has often been said of A.A that we are interested only in alcoholism. That is not true. We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the alcoholic personality by firsthand contact knows that no true alky ever stops drinking permanently without undergoing a profound personality change.”
8. And “We thought ‘conditions’ drove us to drink, and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldn’t do so to our entire satisfaction, our drinking went out of hand and we became alcoholics. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were.” Oh boy.
9. Big stuff. Grateful for this book which seems to have consolidated so much wisdom in snippets. And I’m only on page one.
10. Rh e-mailed me back, including: Your committment to your footwork is stellar. We each have to do what it takes. We also must learn (imho/in my humble opinion) to STOP the questioning of HP. Some people never get married, some people lose a child, many die or become permanently disabled from natural disasters, accidents or the violence of others. We can't know the reasons why. There's no point asking.
11. And We also can't look at anyone else's life and assume that they have not been deeply affected by their circumstances or won't be at some time in the future. (Ch – remember Con. M.)
12. And It's futile to "go there" - a real time and energy waster.
And this biggy: What we can and must do is strive/pray for acceptance, willingness and the ability to take positive actions. That's IT!!!
13. Today’s Recovery Meditation e-mail "In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity." Albert Einstein
14. And Pain, struggle, and difficulty can be
catalysts for changes in me. If I am
having so much difficulty living the way
I do, then surely my current means of
coping and survival are not working.
15. And The insanity of it all was that in spite of
all the proof I saw that those methods
did not work, I continued to live the
same way -- and suffer the same
difficulties and struggles -- for many
years.
16. And Then opportunity for change
knocked on my door. I found TRG online. (Ch – TRG = The Recovery Group)
17. And The Recovery Group program has shown me
that there are much better ways to deal
with life than to stuff myself with
food, fear, resentments, and anger.
18. And The
methods and tools I have been given here
work. My defects still rear their ugly
heads, but I no longer live focused on
-- or living in -- those defects.
19. And this: “Now I
direct my thinking to program material,
prayer and program works. What a gift
that has been! Joy is mine for today ~
for the taking!”
20. And this important thing: When the thinking starts to
spiral downward I know I need to act. I
need to read program material, contact a
program person, pray and meditate,
and/or do program service. I need to use
the tools to get me focused back on
recovery.
21. And this important thing: ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .
I will be mindful of my thinking, and
when negative or self-pitying thoughts
arise, I will remember that I have the
opportunity now to redirect and refocus
anew on recovery.
22. And it’s all called “OPPORTUNITY.”
23. And Rh also sent it to me which is so nice.
24. From today’s Daily OM When we accept that we always exist in a state of grace, we are able to live our lives more graciously.
25. And it says To be able to live in a state of grace is not based on worthiness, nor is it earned through good deeds, ritual, or sacrifice. Rather it is an unearned favor, freely bestowed and available to all, that is inherent to our birthright. All we must do is open our eyes to its presence and we will find and experience grace everywhere.
And these, which are Times God Has Helped Me:
26. Getting J through his thyroid surgery and it turned out not to be cancer after all the bad things the doctors had said.
27. J being alive and fine that night when he was missing overnight.
28. Having me not lie down in front of that car backing up that day. (I think).
29. Getting the S. job. This includes being born here, having parents who encouraged college and paid for college, me getting the grades, Ji. supporting my work, J. helping me study and prepare for my comps, me getting the grades for the masters, sending resume, applying, interviewing well, and having great recommendations.
30. Kids whose parents have like cry-thanked me. That means I was able to do for them.
31. Me finding OA. For real. At this time.
32. Me getting to be there that day Sp said had an opening. And going right over and asking for it.
33. Me going right to R. at the teachers room sink when I saw there was another opening and I could get away from Mi.
34. Her letting me move.
35. Me adjusting to second grade.
36. My mother’s miracle.
37. Me being cherished for years.
38. When I get phone calls on days when I need to not feel so alone.
39. Having me and MA be able to work out both of our big fights.
40. Her lungs doing much better.
41. My eyesight and good ophthalmologist.
42. Getting back along with Mad.
43. Giving me my breath back.
44. Giving me my voice back.
45. Jo helping me that day the way she did.
46. Me waking up this morning. Not living forever in the hell of that nightmare.
47. Hope.
48. Having my mother help me make up with my father that time when I was pre-K and it was so important.
49. Ji telling my father I loved him more than anything and him saying I know, that day at the mantle, so shortly before he died.
50. The healing of my relationship with my mother.
51. That I am getting through the days.
52. M’s house yesterday.
53. My abstinence. Current and easy and healthy.
54. My current weight-losing. As I work the program, it just falls off.
55. Every miracle I’ve ever (and maybe never) heard of.
56. The Bible stories that have touched and still touch me. Like the woman touching the bottom of the cloak. And the raising of Lazarus from the dead. And the Resurrection. And the Ascension. And the Assumption. And the water into wine. And the loaves and the fishes.
57. And the whole Bible.
58. And the birdsong.
59. And the colorforms. No really.
60. And that J. still has some feeling for me anyway. Care about me.
61. And that I have friends. Despite all my growing up bad stuff, I have friends.
62. And the ability for kindness.
63. And for change.
64. Exposing me to Mattie Stepenak.
65. And to “No arms, no legs, no problem.”
66. Not sending J. home to me/us prematurely. That would have only been/become a disaster.
67. Aunt J and Uncle Ch taking me in for that month
68. Sp. saying to me just now, “I was totally dependent and now I can stand up.”
69. That it is pleasurable for me to do the things like clean up the kitchen. And that is a form of serenity, I think.
70. That although I forgot about the math scoring today, I did run right to tell Mar.
71. And she was fine with it.
72. Plus, it meant I got to stay here, and got some more DRA’s done.
73. Xanax. Thank God I had one with me to take today. Need not to make habit, but have never so far, so…Will talk to dr. about it Wed. It is helping. Me so far. However, 2 hours into it I don’t just feel lamer, but a little high – not like drinking or something! Not like I shouldn’t be a work. But not in the pain although I feel it *under * there a bit. So had better be careful.
74. Tr asking me if I’m all right and if/how she can help me.
75. Went to meeting
76. Drove Ma
77. It was positive and powerful
78. Left M a message on phone of thanks
79. Although accidentally left alarm off when setting it, and overslept by an hour, I am still in time to do a good deal of my morning work and get to work on time. And can do more at prep etc. (Like step work) Maybe can ask K to med. With me? We’ll see
80. ***That the horribly feeling with which I awakened from the very disturbing dream into the more disturbing light of day, became less severe as soon as I finished the 3rd step prayer (after the kneeling and the p. 215 one).
81. That someone said something last night about God being honored by the willingness. Whatever that qualifier was talking about. So Lynn, just keep trying.
82. That the drive up was easy.
83. And the drive back was a bit foggy but we were safe.
84. That although I should have stopped eating earlier last night, and I am concerned about protein and that is contributed, I did not have any junk. Again.
85. No fog at the meeting last night (there was one Sunday morning).
86. The goslings are bigger and so fluffy and sort of “out there.”
87. That the Oprah show was not just people singing and stuff for her, but showing the big good things they’ve done and are pledging (like Target’s 250,000 trees) because of her work.
88. That the DRA window was extended.
89. That I am not sick, as I dreamt that I was
90. That I will make sure to get enough sleep tonight.
91. Maybe I’ll watch the Biggest Loser finale (or parts of it) too.
92. That Jo said to still pray for my marriage. And I am.
93. I will fit in some kind of fun centers or something for them today.
94. And I will start money.
95. That I recognize that H parent at the meeting and maybe he recognizes me, but neither says anything. At this point. And that’s good.
96. That I had chai tea. Never have before. It was a lovely thing.
97. That I have enough gas to get to work, and won’t have to stop.
98. That I’ve been reminded of the concept Sp had given me after our first Step Five session. The Sp thinks this way: “I’m going to die at midnight tonight. So all I have to worry about is today.” And also, “I’m going to die at midnight tonight. So I should dance today.”
99. That I found that Lincoln quote on the little card. It’s on the For Today card.
100. That I also heard last night from the second (longer) qualifier, that she prayers thank you for the day to God in bed when wakes up.
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