I am grateful:
Well, I don’t know what I’m grateful for. I’m in such pain. But I’ll try.
1. That it says in today’s For Today that while breaking my abstinence is the same for me as taking a drink is for the alcoholic, “…it does not have the same immediate consequences: it does not alter my mind in the same way alcohol does and with the same rapidity. You can’t smell it on m breath. So, I may think I can get away with it. But compulsive overeating shows in my thinking. I am less aware, more ready to deceive myself.” That’s important and I’m glad I read it.
2. It goes with the new abstinence definition.
3. And they now have a Plan of Action too.
4. And I think I’m doing at least some of it.
5. That I’m finally reading (this time around, had already read it many years ago) Helen Keller’s The Story of My Life.
6. And have seen her other titles now finally. And will probably – probably - read her other things too.
7. That today’s Voices of Recovery says: “…we were never meant to face this disease in isolation.” 12 & 12 OA p. 16
8. And it says, “Getting to meetings, doing service and calling my sponsor are not enough to keep me abstinent today. I must be willing to ask for help. That’s the only way I can practice the principle of humility in all my affairs.”
9. That on p. 302 of For Today, which has an index (I am using it right now) so that’s wonderful in itself,
10. It says, “You can be healed (of depression) if every day you begin the first thing in the morning to consider how you can bring a real joy to someone else. If you can stick to this for two weeks you will no longer need therapy.” Alfred Adler
11. And it says “It need not be a major undertaking: a phone call, a letter, a small surprise, an offer to babysit or take an elderly person for a drive. There are so many things to do, one lifetime is not enough.”
12. It even goes on to say, and this actually made me smile a little, “For today: It isn’t necessary to be depressed to adopt the practice of making others happy.”
13. I’m grateful that I’m using that index and not just limiting myself to today’s reading. I need input. And I am finding it.
14. That many people in this world are living with horrendous circumstances, and I can live with this too.
15. That many are overcoming horrendous odds and handicaps and going on to live lives of fulfillment, happiness, and service. And I can too.
16. That there will be a miracle for me.
17. Hazeldon
18. That six people have come on my thread to support me.
19. And I’ve received some e-mails too.
20. That he didn’t say the d word. He said he doesn’t know where this is all going, but he doesn’t have a good feeling about it. That means maybe I can make him fall in love with me again for real.
21. That I wrote back to those who e-mailed me.
22. And that I expressed my truth in response to this week’s topic in ea online.
23. That I went to the meeting today.
24. And when couldn’t breathe in car on way to other, called M.
25. And she invited me there for dinner later, invited me to stay there for a few days…
26. And even called back and said she’d talked with I and they would very much like me to come to dinner.
27. And I did make it to the other meeting.
28. And on the parkway there were goslings walking in a way it was the first time I saw this year
29. And more of them
30. And such lush greenery
31. Anyway, I did make it to the other meeting, and stopped for multi-grain bagel on the way
32. And it was a good meeting
33. And so was the first one.
34. And my Sp gave me a book.
35. In fact, a book that was Sp’s! With the highlighting and underlying and dates that I’ve already seen from like 1992 to 2010.
36. And it means so much to me.
37. And I’ve already *started * reading it.
38. And that my Sp is *so * well-versed in the big book.
39. And then I was invited to lunch and went with the other two.
40. And ate healthily.
41. And it was only 7 dollars.
42. And I ate it all which was fine for me.
43. And then I did get to the play, even though I was a bit breathless again.
44. And I saw Ju and Je and I’s father
45. And then coming out of the bathroom stall, this older woman said, “Excuse me were you ____’s third grade teacher?
46. And I took one look at her and said, yes, and he has your face so you must be –
47. And yes it was his grandmother.
48. And she was so happy to see me.
49. And the play had some good messages that could even help me.
50. And I. was great
51. And I also saw E.M. in it.
52. And she looked wonderful.
53. And those kids in the cast seemed to have such a lovely rapport with each other
54. And I saw I’s mother which was nice
55. And she told me that some lucky people have that one teacher who. And that R (I’s older brother) had one in high school. And I was that one for I. And that he says his year with my was the most precious time of his elementary school.
56. And that meant so much to me, especially today, that I called a little.
57. And she said it would mean that much to *him. *
58. And then I did get to see him.
59. And I do think he was very happy to see me.
60. And meanwhile I called M and left a message because I was sitting there in the first row and feeling not as bad, waiting for the show to begin.
61. And then during intermission I called MA (crying)
62. And did get to talk with her.
63. And then I left message telling M. I *would * take her up on that dinner offer if it was still on (because I could feel what was happening as I was thinking about leaving there alone).
64. Oh, and that I managed to park in the undergarage place.
65. And pay at the station and everthing.
66. And find my car. And handle that all.
67. And walk over.
68. And back.
69. And then M did call me back
70. And I returned her calls
71. And I called her and she talked me through how to get there
72. And it was close.
73. And I went.
74. And I got to play with Je in the tub
75. And keep Ji safe in the shower.
76. And I. and M hugged me.
77. And so did the girls.
78. And they were welcoming and gracious.
79. And M. made me butternut squash soup
80. And a beautiful arugula salad with little red peppers and yellow (!) raspberries and pecans and grape tomatoes and olive oil and dark cherry balsamic vinegar.
81. And organic green tea with something and pomegranate.
82. So I had a healthy dinner.
83. And I got home safely.
84. And am coming up with all these gratitudes.
85. And when I feel desperate, I must remember that I *must * grow. It is my only hope. And that can keep me going.
86. And my valium worked.
87. And now I’ve had my paxil and am feeling more mellow.
88. And I’ve done my drops.
89. And can pick up my new ones tomorrow.
90. And I read Helen Keller (some) in bed last night.
91. And J. was nice to me when I called him in the middle of the night.
92. And I feel very positive about reading that new book from Sp.
93. And I saw H. at first meeting.
94. And we talked about the exercise.
95. And I will go with her as a guest and see about what to do but I have to exercise. For my mental health!: )
96. And I *will * call someone for the grounds, and the toilet, and the sink, and the tv cable, and the stereo hookup, and get that all done.
97. And there is still hope after we both grow. There is.
98. And I have tv on now
99. And am liking it
100. And it’s not a repeat.
101. But is unwinding me.
102. Life
103. Hope
104. God
105. Program
106. And that I've come up with 100 after all, both yesterday and today
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