My Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. That N. told me she was proud of me. For how I’m looking and what I’m doing in terms of being in program.
2. That I awakened from those horrible nightmares, both times.
3. That the toilet flushed once this morning.
4. That CoDA is tonight.
5. That there is hope. There must be. I feel like shit. But I did have that second and that hour of peace. And then I did enjoy almost 7 hours Sunday. And then I did feel grateful for being alive, instead of wanted to be dead yesterday morning or the morning before, and I had that thought that if God had decided I was smarter than He, and done it my way, J. would have come back long ago and it couldn’t have worked, and maybe my life wouldn’t have either. So those things happened, therefore there must be hope.
6. That I already feel a little better than when I woke up just 25 minutes ago, with my stomach feeling like it had fallen out of my body, again.
7. That I have meaningful work.
8. That we laughed yesterday at lunch. And I enjoyed being in the teacher’s room.
9. That I will show scenes from the Miracle Worker soon.
10. In today’s For Today: “How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself.” Publilius Syrus. That helps me know that I must forgive myself. I must. And it also lets me know that many other people have had this problem too, of being unforgiving toward themselves.
11. Oh yay and it says this: “why didn’t I? . . . How could I? . . What is it with me? . . the tendency to hang onto self-condemnation persists with a will of its own. It goes beyond healthy self-criticism, branding judgments deep into the core of my being. Where did I get the notion that I am to be without flaws, make no mistakes? The program tells me that wrongdoings of the past, both real and imagined, need to be recalled, looked at and disposed of through the directions given in steps four through nine. Is it there all-but-forgotten thoughts and actions that keep me wallowing in guilt, which in turn keeps me from facing and resolving my real problems of today? For today: Forgiveness of myself is one of the first rewards of working the twelve-step program.” God, thank you. I need that so.
12. It’s a stupid, poorly written little “poem” but I love the message in today’s In This Moment. “In This Moment, I am free from relationship woes. I had been controlling, and even cajoling. Until recovery set me free. More aware of my feelings, I find myself healing. I’m joyous and live happily. Determined to stay well, my future I’ll foretell. CoDA groups are where you’ll find me.
No longer perfecting, instead I’m projecting. A healthier, confident she. Stay focused I must, in the program I trust, And less codependent I’ll be.” I *have * been trying to control, and cajole,…
Again, so have many others. So there is hope for me too.
13. Not feeling like the one reject/defect in the world anymore. Partly because there are other miserable sots like me too. And partly because maybe I’m not a defect. I think I’m not. (Wow.)
14. I am grateful that I did 20 minutes of step work today, not 10.
15. And that I’m still breathing. Hard, chest stomach hard. But still breathing.
16. I am grateful that when I turn on the burner, fire comes.
17. And pitchers (the white ceramic one in the kitchen)
18. And a watering can
19. And jigsaw puzzles
20. Humiifier
21. Runners
22. Seashells
23. Doilies
24. Soy candles. All of these are extras – not necessities, luxuries
25. In a recent Daily Recovery Meditation: The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. Unknown. (And may that be true!).
26. That the amusement park is open.
27. And it (Daily Recovery Meditation) goes on to say: In taking the Steps and living them out,
I found my buried spirit, and I found
that it was alive and well! In recovery
I became reacquainted with the spiritual
part of myself that I thought was lost
forever. In this connection, I learned
to live, laugh, and hope again. My
spiritual connection is stronger than
anything that can happen to me. This is
the truth in my life today, and it
transforms me to peace, joy, and love
greater than I had ever dreamed.
28. And in a recent Daily Om it says “We are all fundamentally spiritual beings and the essence of that lies in knowing one’s true self and finding a peace that comes from within rather than the outside world.” Okay.
29. And “It is in remembering this that we awaken to our personal path.”
30. And in another one, “The confidence we project when occupying a leadership position is a key element of the equation that will eventually determine the success of our endeavors.” Confidence. May I grow in it and not manipulation. And I am grateful for this thought. May my confidence take the place of my feeling I need to manipulate.
31. In, of all places, D’s post that showed up on my facebook wall: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” - Nelson Mandela
32. And on facebook wall from cousin M: "If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse."
33. In another Daily Recovery Meditation: "Be like the bird that, passing on her
flight awhile on boughs too slight,
feels them give way beneath her, and yet
sings, knowing that she hath wings. "
Victor Hugo
34. That God got my attention. That the pain from the mess I’ve made of my life got so great that I turned to God and to program.
35. That like steel, I should come out of this fire stronger.
36. In my today’s Daily Om horoscope: We expect goodness to come into our lives and never shy away from any chance to proactively attain it. Your excitement will help you envision a better existence today, and your hope will provide you with the strength you need to pursue your vision.
37. Sp saying had to learn to push the buttons on the washing machine, and only did that because got tired of buying new underwear and realized better wash these.
38. And that these are things adults do. But Sp still gets a kick out of them, because didn’t used to.
39. And that never talks about being alone or alone in the house. But about enjoying the solitude. Because this is a positive.
40. And says about self, “I can read. I can do things on the computer. I can sit and watch a baseball game and enjoy it.”
41. And that has significant other in life, but not *need * which is the difference.
42. And that the things Sp lets significant other do because enjoys, are fine, because Sp not unable to do, which is different.
43. And said to me while hanging up, “I love you, Darling.”
44. And that said with my talents I do *not * have to feel this way. Something like that. Like I can fill time in great ways sort of a thing. And my dr. says things like this too.
45. And now it’s the next day, Friday. I’m grateful that M called me yesterday evening.
46. And that Sp said after Step Five, that I don’t have to feel guilty for or apologize for my thoughts. It’s what I *do * with them. And that I heard that last night on my digital recorder.
47. And that I did write that to J. last night.
48. And that even though I ate way(!) too much, I didn’t buy and/or eat junk. Now I must cut the night eating, with God’s help.
49. I am grateful that I could take a day when needed, like today.
50. And that I did get the garbage out even though I feel so intestinally sick and have already gone to the bathroom twice.
51. That the DRAs are not due finished and inputted until next Friday.
52. In today’s For Today: “The profoundest affinities are those most readily felt.” George Santayana Which I didn’t know what it meant. But it goes to say, “How well I know that feeling of being ‘at home’ in an OA meeting! No matter how far I may be from my own home group, the warm welcome, the nods of understanding tell me I am in the company of people with whom I have more in common than many friends and associates.”
53. And this, which is so important! Because I should PICK UP THE PHONE when I feel like I need to overeat! “Being a compulsive overeater who is recovering in OA means that I never need to feel alone with my disease. I have only to pick up a telephone, go to a meeting and reach out to someone who shares the same illness, the same physical, emotional and spiritual symptoms. Only another OA member knows what it took to get us here.”
54. And, uh oh: “For today: My joy in recovery is multiplied in direct proportion to the extent to which I share it with other compulsive overeaters.” Hmmm.
55. In today’s In This Moment: “In This moment, I rejoice. I listen to my inner voice as it tells me what my body, mind, and spirit need. I grew up thinking the mind, body, and emotions were separate, unconnected parts. Through recovery, I learned that these parts are interconnected. What affects one part, affects all parts, whether I’m aware of these effects or not.”
56. And, “Today, I release the emotions I have stuffed in my body and buried in my soul.”
57. And, “I accept my imperfections and rejoice in my humanness.”
58. And, “As I reconnect the separated parts of me, I heal and grow. My energy increases. I hear my Higher Power’s voice. I feel the love that flows through the universe. I know a new freedom.” I’m glad it says that, and I hope to have that.
59. Okay, I *really * needed this today. Need this today.
60. Today’s voices of Recovery: “When I was lonely, food was my friend. It soothed and comforted me and filled the hole that was there when I felt unloved, which was most of the time.” OA 1st Edition p. 56 I feel sad when I think back to my days before OA – days filled with unstoppable eating, self-loathing, and anger. I felt alone in my world and kept myself apart from family and friends. Excess food sedated me, but it was never enough. I would swear not to binge the next day, but I couldn’t stop eating. After twenty-two years of coming back to OA, I now love myself first, which means I can love others. I started with OA members. They didn’t reject me because of my size or eating habits. I rely on a Higher Power who loves me and allows me to accept myself as I am. I have learned to love myself, and therefore I can love others. I give service to others in and out of the program. I am alone, but lonely no more.”
That Sp says to not hate self for character defects. They served a purpose in their time when I didn’t know else.
61. That I *did * do my morning program and promises to God work. Even though I *thought * about putting it off and spreading it out throughout the day…
62. I don’t know why, but I do feel okay about work.
63. And after doing the morning stuff, I do feel a big calmer now.
64. That I’ve been invited to the play with I in it.
65. And I’m going.
66. And it’s cheap.
67. And I’ll see those lovely people.
68. That I just e-mailed M. about possible meetings.
69. That I’ll cook the healthy veggie thing in a little while.
70. And will call Sp later. Sp said I could.
71. That I reached my mother early this morning.
72. That I did call MA
73. And reached her
74. And that I am to go to lunch with her and ML today!
75. That I stopped back in the Me people thread and saw all that good stuff
76. And replied.
77. My mommy’s 2 engagement stories.
78. The bracelet I have from her first fiancé.
79. That I did get to see MA and ML at lunch.
80. That we had *fun *!
81. And that I *always * feel better when and after I see ML.
82. And that both seemed happy also.
83. And MA is coming up with other plans regarding house – plans that could be good for her.
84. That I ate a lot of salad while there.
85. That I then went to the bookstore.
86. And got a new clean copy (not in the rain in the driveway overnight) of Helen Keller’s The Story of My Life
87. That I heard back from Ma.
88. And she said would rather not go but could be persuaded if I’m really in need.
89. And that I said no, to chill and relax.
90. This woman on Oprah right now, who is SO inspirational, writing down her dreams and putting them in a tin box and hiding it under a rock.
91. And that she is Oprah’s favorite guest.
92. And that Oprah just gave her a million and a half dollars for her school to build it in Zimbabwai. Oh my God. Yay.
93. That ML said she’d love it if she lived next door to me.
94. And she reminded me too, of M Park.
95. And of how she sits outside on her terrace and reads, and does crossword puzzles.
96. And her current 500 piece jigsaw puzzle? She gets a piece a day (but still enjoys).
97. And that she fills her time by “having so much fun.” Bowling, seeing friends, spending time with her cat, her son, reading, jigsaw puzzles, walking, stretching every morning, friends, just enjoying.
98. And totally keeps up with her laundry.
99. And does *not * like cooking, which is now preparing meals for her *and * her son 4 days a week. But she does casseroles. And – he sometimes brings food he’s prepared (he cooks gourmet).
100. And that I do not feel bad like I did this morning.
101. And am about to call my Sp.
102. And for hope, of course. Hope.
103. And that I can figure out something to watch, like Golden Girls, while doing my own jigsaw puzzle tonight or anytime if I like. Or music through computer or on iPod shuffle.
104. And that I tried the I-pad (C’s) and do not like the typing. It hurt my neck. Too close together. And no use carrying it around *and * carrying around a separate portable keyboard, so I don’t need to even *think * about finding/spending that kind of money!