I am grateful:
1. Sp saying, “If somebody doesn’t like me, fuck them.”
2. That moment of peace I had last night.
3. And the hour – hour! – of it I had this morning.
4. A feeling of, “I’ll be okay. I’m okay. God is taking care of me,” inside. I’m not having it this second (after coffee – hmmm) but have had it this very morning and it is only 6 am.
5. That I make my coffee a bit weaker now
6. And only have one cup
7. And don’t fully fill that cup. I am grateful for these changes.
8. That although I tasted it and it is not the best soup ever but it is fine, that I’m so excited about the soup I have made from such basic ingredients and it’s in the fridge and I’ll probably even have some for breakfast.
9. How enjoyable it was sitting on the wing chair and reading last night, even though for just a moment. I want ot do that again today. And do more of it.
10. Opening Just for Today each day is like opening something where I’ll find a little jewel. I literally just felt that now. Yay. It’s like opening a little jewel.
11. Today’s: Pray to God but continue to row to shore. Russian proverb.
12. And it says: “god is not my arms and legs. It is up to me to do the footwork. Ours is a program of action. The first two steps require reflection and contemplation; the rest call for direct action.”
13. And “Of course, I do not work a perfect program. When I feel rebellious, as I sometimes do, then I pray to be willing, putting myself and my stubbornness in God’s hands.”
14. And “God has infinite and unconditional love for me,”
15. And “…and gives me everything I need,”
16. And “…including the willingness to take action. I have but to ask.”
17. Wow. And, “For today: God does for me what I cannot do for myself, not what I can do.” Veery interesting.
18. The miracle of plain green tea. Which I am sitting here sipping now. Instead of second cup of coffee: )
19. Today’s In This Moment: In This Moment, I let go of my ways of coping that do not work. When I feel tense and frustrated, if my stomach is tied up in knots, I ask myself, “Is what I am doing to cope really working? Is it making things better?” The answer is usually, ‘No!’ I’m trying to fix the unfixable.”
20. “When my controlling and caretaking aren’t working, all I need to do is let go.”
21. “As the tension and frustration flow out of me, I am free to focus on the things I can control.”
22. “The first thing is, ‘What can I do to take care of myself? What do I want? More anguish or peace? The choice is obvious.”
23. I believe I put this already, so I’ll add an extra, but it bears repeating. It’s sooo good. In the day before yesterday’s Voices of Recovery it talks about this and that and therapy and better understanding of mother… … … good yeah yeah. “But none of these things stopped me from eating compulsively. It was only by attending the meetings and working the program constantly that my compulsion was relieved.” Constantly. Relieved. Wow. True. Amazing. Miraculous. Thank you, God. Constantly.
24. “…praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” Step Eleven, referred to in today’s Voices of Recovery.
25. And it talks about having started with God help me, the payer of the suffering compulsive overeater.
26. And it says, “I trusted God with my food, and God has given me a life.”
27. That I have been able to give over and let go now the situation with F. I will do my best by that child, period.
28. The therapist, B, who, when I would say, I don’t care about that stuff! would say, fine but you DO it – about stuff that would keep me my job.
29. That I journaled on my blog about my peace last night and this morning. And that was nice to do, for me.
30. And maybe it will help someone else.
31. Letting that person coming out of the parking space go before, yesterday. I didn’t even think twice, but my mother noticed and commented that it was very nice of me and that “most people wouldn’t do that.”
32. Is this a repeat? One time J called me his little boddhisatva.
33. Having had one moment’s peace last night, and one hour’s peace today, I *already * felt lazy about doing my work. And about going to a meeting today. Wow. Yuck. But – what I’m grateful for is that I recognize that, right away I think, and am doing it all anyway. Wow.
34. OA 12 & 12 p. 58 (Step Six) “We’ll find we can cope with both good times – and bad, learning and growing spiritually from each experience, as our Higher Power intended us to do all along.” That’s a nice promise.
35. The story the Plain Princess, and its message about learning to do for self and giving to others. So even though it ends with the prince picking her, it is different than the others.
36. I am grateful for every time I’ve read it to the class.
37. And for my Aunt R for giving me that book.
38. And for all the nights I lay in bed on H. Dr. in my first own room, with the shelves of books around my bed and my booklight attached, reading and re-reading that story.
39. And Girl Scout things too.
40. And the time J. bought me the Girl Scout books.
41. “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” Mother Teresa (today’s Recovery Meditations)
42. That man years and years ago, at the Al-Anon meetings, who used to always say – to the group – “Get a sponsor and work the steps.” And believed those steps saved him and are a miracle. I am grateful to him.
43. Someone who is compassionate to me on e-mails’ dog has had successful (big!) surgery.
44. I will dress and leave now for my meeting: )
45. I’m so glad I went to that meeting.
46. And Mad, who has much more recovery than I, actually named me and said she was so glad that despite her exhaustion she’d come, because she needed to hear what I had said – to remember how it was and to get on knees to thank.
47. And I heard LOTS of good things there.
48. Like just clean up your stuff and give service.
49. And just because I make mistakes doesn’t mean I am a mistake.
50. And I took the number of that girl who is so sad and hoping and waiting for the willingness.
51. And Er bumped me on purpose to whisper motion that he was so happy for me for my first moment ever of peace, which was last night, and my whole hour of it this morning.
52. And I just made the coffee for tomorrow. All I’ll have to do is heat it.
53. Anyway, that was a great meeting and then I went to hfs and he said he’d make good on the sandwich. They didn’t have one, but I am to tell the cashier the next time I want one and they do have it, and it will be free.
54. And he apologized a lot as well.
55. And then I went to the city.
56. And was not crazy phobic about terrorism.
57. And was not crazy phobic about shyness.
58. And was okay in the back seat of a new car with lots of leather.
59. And enjoyed the show. Very much. It was a feel good show.
60. And when K poked me, “That’s her,” I thought, “Oh. Okay. Her voice has changed. Pretty, but too bad.”
61. But the next solo, my eyes teared. In reality, *that * was her! I was right : )
62. Oh what a voice. It brought me such joy. I’m so glad I heard her today.
63. And I had a really nice time with K, V, and A.
64. And Chelsea’s family.
65. And then we went to dinner and it was nice.
66. And I had veggies and they were yum.
67. And I took a good deal home.
68. And as soon as I got home, I *threw away * the white flour stuff that came with! Yay!
69. And – V paid for the dinner! He insisted! And the appetizer, which I shared, was 8.95. And my dinner was 16.95. That was *so * nice of him! And I didn’t really want to spend that kind of money anyway. So nice.
70. And I had a few nutrients I don’t frequently have, like salsa and avacado…
71. And they veganized my plate : ) Yay!
72. And I was fine walking around too.
73. And – the theater was underground – and I was fine!!! Wow!
74. I checked my phone. J. hadn’t called. I didn’t panic.
75. I did remember to and did call my mother at about 5. That was nice.
76. And when I got home, at 7:20 (from 8am), I called J. and he answered and it turned out he’d just gotten in too.
77. And it sounds like Br. Is in real financial straights, but will be okay.
78. Maybe I can visit her and her mother. I’ll see how J. feels.
79. And I have some stuff to tell *my * mother about tomorrow.
80. And I’m sitting here now in jammies comfy with Friends on and I like it. And I’m just chillin’.
81. I had a good, full day.
82. And I shared openly at the meeting.
83. And there is a lot of recovery in that room.
84. And there was a lovely message from Ma.
85. And from M too.
86. Both care about me.
87. And I called M back.
88. And am about to call Ma back.
89. And I know that my 2 hours of work every morning and meetings and phone have done so much for me.
90. And I have hope of being a real, and full person!
91. And finishing Step Five is also having wonderful effects these days later too (like it suggesting it might, in the book).
92. Tomorrow I will manage to print the stuff. No probem.
93. And I have a great lunch and dinner – and breakfast – all ready! I can have soup (which also has some beans) with pesto in it! And Mexican leftovers! And peanut butter on toast. And juice and a pear. Good. And tea. And of course some coffee with soymilk. Lots of good nutrients.
94. The relatives were nice.
95. And I was just regular – like everyone else! Acceptable. Normal. Not special but not defective either.
96. Oh! And we went under a double thingy on the road home from the city, and there was an accident, and we were delayed a little, and I was fine.
97. And I told J. that.
98. Again, the fog is gone. It was just like stores are stores and restaurants are restaurants, and shows are shows and roads are roads and cities are cities. I’m so glad for that. I think the fog did serve some purpose regarding excitement, but I’m glad for the lifting anyway!
99. I think and believe there is still hope for me and J together.
100. I am okay. My life is good. I am in a state of gratitude.
101. And I am grateful also, that I will continue this work.
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