Last night, I went to put a DVD in to the DVD player, and while bend/kneeling to get it, I felt something I've never felt before. It was peace. I had a moment of peace.
NOT - a moment of believing I'm okay because I'm with a man.
A moment of internal peace.
And I stopped what I was doing, right then, and thanked God.
Now I'd been to am meeting, and taken my mother to bank and shopping. Then come home and cooked cabbage dish, soup, and made (vegan, of course) pesto. Cleaned up after each. J. called with neck hurting after that long meeting he had. And the things said on the phone were not filled with hope, believe me. There is still some, but it would be slow and maybe if at all.
No, *this* was peace from inside, from the program, from the whole-hearted work I do on it, from the generosity of others in it, from God.
AND THEN!
This morning I awakened between 3 and 4, and fully just before 4. And after bathroom, just stayed in bed for the hour til 5 though awake. Pillow against my front, yes, but not in that desperate way. *I felt that feeling the whole time!* I felt that feeling the *whole* time!
This. Is a miracle.
I have thanked God on my knees.
This is a real
and big
hope.
I am so grateful for it.
On the rare chance that anyone reads this, and is in pain, this is what I do every morning, 7 days a week, and have been for a little more than 2 months (although a bit of it has evolved and is newer):
1. Get out of bed and kneel and pray to God ACTS: Adoration, Contrition, Thanksgiving, Supplication. This is *very* quick. I don't think it's a minute. But it's whole-hearted.
In between here, I gently, and slowly, get coffee, my robe that I use for a blanket on the couch, and my program books and highlighter and computer. Gentle gentle gentle slow and easy. No other real thoughts, planning day or anything. More mindful.
2. Come to l.r. and say, from the big book p. 215, God, here I am and here are all my troubles. I've made a mess of things and can't do anything about it. You take me, and all my troubles, and do anything you want with me."
And I mean it.
3. I sit on couch, before a sip of coffee, and say the Third Step prayer, which is:
God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" Amen.
4. Then I start my hundred gratitudes. I do a hundred a day, no repeats. I do not just sit and whip out a hundred. I start them and keep coming back to them. Sometimes I finish within my morning routine, sometimes during the day, sometimes in the evening. But always 100 (or a little more).
5. I read the daily reading from For Today, from In This Moment, and from Voices of Recovery. ***Often I do this in between gratitudes, and they add to them! :) I don't zip through them. I really read them. Try to learn something. Still, it only takes a couple of or few minutes.
6. I say this prayer: "God, our Father, walk through my house and take away all my worries and illnesses and please watch over and heal my family in Jesus name, Amen."
7. Then I say this beautiful prayer, which my mother taught me:
O Most beautiful flower of Mount Carmel, fruitful vine, splendor of Heaven,
Blessed Mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in this my necessity.
O Star of the Sea, help me and show me herein You are my Mother.
O Holy Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth, I humbly
beseech You from the bottom of my heart to succor me in this necessity.
There are none that can withstand Your power.
O show me herein You are my Mother.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
O show me herein You are my Mother.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
O show me herein You are my Mother.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. [Here, state your cause].
Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. [Here, state your cause].
Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands. [Here, state your cause].
8. Then I pray for the people on my prayer list. There are currently, counting me and counting my abstinence, 57, plus I pray for the world.
9. Around here is where I do my 10 minutes of Mindfulness meditation (*especially if I'm going to have 2 cups of coffee that day, it *has to be* before the second cup!)
10. Then I do my Affirmations on my blog.
11. Somewhere in here, in between any two numbers, I prostrate myself and pray, offering myself to God as his daughter and usually asking for something too (like to heal my marriage). This is embarrassing, but I truly want to help anyone who might read this and be feeling desperate, so I'm telling all.
(I keep coming back to add more gratitudes as they come up).
12. I do 10 minutes a day on Step Work. I started this with 20 minutes a day during Step Four, at the beginning of April. I would set the timer. I would not stop until it rang, no matter how I felt. And sometimes, particularly on a day off, I would keep going after the 20 minutes. When I finished Step Four, I switched to a minimum of 10 minutes a day.
13. I call my sponsor. We talk for 15 minutes a day, except Sundays, when it does not work for Sponsor.
*Once, Sponsor was to be away for a few days and told me to find a person or people in program who could take a call at that time each day and call them, just to stay in the habit. I did.
This is what I do. It takes between just under and just over 2 hours.
And when I think of how I used to spend that time, computer for e-mails and message boards, tv blaring, gulping down the caffeine, worrying about the day and work...
There is no comparison at all.
This has grown from just the first prayer (last November maybe) and is enjoyable and I look forward to it.
But to have over an hour of peace yesterday and today, is more than I would have expected at this point. And during such hard times (marriage...). It is a miracle. I wanted to record it here, and to share it with you.
By the way, I never want to do the meditation, and often don't want to do the step work, and I don't always want to eat the greens. But I just do them.
And somewhere around the third quarter of this 2 hours, I start feeling like I don't want to be all alone. So soon comes my sponsor call, which is good, and I have some numbers who can take early calls on a Sunday just in case, and I share about my meditation in an online community, and I sometimes do personal e-mails, especially program related, toward or right after the end too. Then, on a weekday I get ready and go to work. And on a day off, I try to somewhere, a meeting, a park with the dog, somewhere. That always helps too, once I'm *out* and moving.
The next thing I think I'll add is regular exercise: )
This is the note I keep in Microsoft Word, on the page where I write my gratitudes before copying and pasting them here, so I don't have to remember the list in my head:
Mornings:
• Pray on knees
• 2 3rd step prayers
• Prostrate prayer
• 10 minutes meditation
• 100 gratitudes
• readings (the daily meditations)
• prayer to God and to the Blessed Virgin
• pray for the people on my prayer list
• maybe 10 minutes a day on step work?
• Affirmations on blog
• 15 minutes call with Sponsor
I also make sure to eat a green vegetable every day. I skipped once (or was it twice) and really felt it emotionally. I'm not talking about iceberg lettuce. I'm talking about kale, collards, spinach, broccoli, broccoli rab, broccolini...I *think* cabbage will count, but will see today if it's enough.
I know I will still suffer and that even if/when I ever get to the state of happy, joyous, and free, it is not a euphoria or a constant happiness or a problem-free life.
But real life, whatever it is, with some peace? Wow.
Thank you, God.
And thank you anyone who has read this.
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