I am grateful:
1. That I just got to do stuff *on my blog. * That’s a relief. I did mention as last one on previous grats. I just posted that I was grateful Blogger was back up and running, but I’m so relieved about this, and I did just use it(!) so I think this counts: )
2. In today’s For Today: “As for the future, your task is not to foresee, but to enable it.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery
3. I do not *feel like * a compulsive overeater today. I know I am one; that’s not a problem for today, the knowing. But it’s so wonderful to not feel like one.
4. And I don’t feel like compulsively overeating (or overeating or eating badly) at all today for now. This is a wonderful feeling.
5. And I really believe that the more I eat *vegetables * for my eating, the more this and many other good things happen. Wow. These last three here – this is huge. Thank you, God.
6. What I used to do, even recently, is described exactly in today’s For Today: I incessantly planned the outcome, but I was paralyzed when it came to taking the action.” It is comforting to so see myself there. And know that I am not alone. That others have done exactly this, which I have thought of so much lately as a major shortcoming, and they have recovered from doing it! And so can I. Thank you, God.
7. And it says, “Today I am willing to do the footwork. I ask God for the courage to look for and accept my defects and the willingness to ask for their removal.” Wow. Right as I’m working Step Seven, which I began yesterday!
8. And: “That is my task as far as my future is concerned. I change myself in order to live at peace with whatever the future brings, not to decide what the future will be.
9. I think I really was just not ready last time. Because I used to read this book and think, “What’s the big deal? It doesn’t help me at all.” And now I think it is gems. Thank you, God. Thank you.
10. I believe the answer really is in the Steps. For example I awoke so badly this morning. Desperate, unhappy, lonely, sad, scared, hole in stomach…And just writing (copying) and reading and thinking about Step Seven is helping me a bit.
11. As did praying first thing help me a bit already too.
12. And the biggy: For today: “As wishful thinking and daydreaming become less frequent, I know I am recovering.” Wow.
13. In today’s IN This Moment: In This Moment, I listen for wisdom. Once it was easy and natural for me to hear my inner voice – my thoughts, feelings, and desires. When I was a little child, I knew these things intuitively and expressed them spontaneously. Then something happened to push that voice down and drown it out. It was there all along. I hear it clearly now. When I quiet the old tapes in my mind, my inner voice comes through. It rises at the invitation as if from a long sleep. I greet my inner voice with great joy and listen for wisdom.
14. When J came back from LA, and when I visited him there, and how we could not keep our hands off each other. He *did * feel that for me. And many times since.
15. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “We seek to examine our actions so we can learn from our mistakes and build on our successes.” 12 & 12 OA p. 87
16. And after it goes on to talk about Step Ten, it says: Show me the way, Higher Power. Your will be done, not mine.
17. E-mail. I am grateful for e-mail.
18. And for telephones.
19. And for cellphones.
20. And for aspirin.
21. And for new starts that are real, not just planning.
22. Sp: You’re afraid of yourself. But God takes care of you. He always has. He always will.
23. You don’t have to be afraid of being with yourself. L is not scary.
24. You have to look at that positive list - …
25. Sp saying after Step Four realized, and wrote (and cried): Mama was wrong (in saying Sp no good not capable…)
26. You have to hear every word that you say. Because there’s tremendous insight and recovery. You liveD that way which is a little crazy, but that’s what got you through. But you don’t live that way now.
27. And you have to listen... That’s what a good mirror does. So I have to hear the way I talk. ‘Cause I’m the last person to know I’ve changed.
28. "Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground. There is no greater investment." S. Covey (I got from SpSp)
29. Colleen Patrick-Goudreau: "Just because you can't do everything, don't do nothing...do something, anything!" (I got from vb)
30. From SpSp from a singer on fb: "We don't turn to Jesus to get things, we turn to Jesus to get Jesus."
31. That I did my 10 minutes of meditation. Didn’t want to, as always, but did it.
32. And that after the first couple of minutes of dis-ease, it felt good.
33. A smile came, and I started to hear the birds again.
34. And afterward, my first deep breath in many days came. And more. And a sort of moan. Almost as big a release as sex.
35. And I shared it with my meditation friends.
36. And that now I shall shower and get to the meeting.
37. Thank you, God, for holding onto me.
38. And for giving me the courage to use your name in that meditation share, because at first I was afraid of people turning off or something.
39. CoDA Sp was here today. Sponsoring me. Lent me things too. And gave me a job to do each morning and evening.
40. We had a nice time together.
41. And I became born again.
42. And felt new. And still do.
43. Now J is here (for mother’s a/c) talking about how he needs to tell her…but at least he is looking into the toilet situation while he’s here
44. And now he’s gone and I’ve talked with M (who’d called when he was here) and the toilet only needs like a 10 dollar valve or something, which I believe he will do.
45. And the sink is draining. Yay. He did show me how, which of course I wish I had my husband here doing, but at least now I can.
46. Plus it will help me to continue becoming more independent and fully functional woman.
47. CSP (CoDA Sp) invited me to her church with her tomorrow!
48. And with her to that inspirational speaker tonight! Whether I go tomorrow (not going tonight) or not, I’m grateful that she invited me.
49. And she said reach out to friends.
50. And call her too. Don’t isolate.
51. And she gave me so much today!
52. And then she said, “What this is, is sponsorship. And someday you will be feeling better too, and you will share this with someone else.”
53. And she explained how low *she’d * been. And that helped give me hope too.
54. And she talked about how her life is now. And it’s not perfect and her bad feelings – but – she has an inner peace.
55. And she shared with me about her healing.
56. Sp talked about coming here once or twice a week if I wanted her to. And maybe bringing her friend once and I said sure, great. And I look forward to that.
57. Before Sp left, she reminded me of all the tools I have at my disposal now. Can I remember – let me see – She gave me things to do every morning and evening. And I have all these things: the phone, and meetings, and reading(!) and the feelings thing she lent me, and the two devotional books, and walking, and my Higher Power, and prayer just honestly from my heart. And church if I want.
58. And she talked about the importance of exercise. Even a 20 minute walk 3 x a week.
59. And get out. Do not stay alone at home depressed in own head. She says she does that and it helps.
60. And I might be able to start going to a CoDA meeting every Tuesday night as well as Thursday!
61. And I’m pretty sure if I ask, she will drive the first time.
62. And her free nights for get-togethers are Fri, Sat, and Sun, just like mine.
63. And I feel like God sent her.
64. And I told her.
65. And she accepted that. It was nice.
66. I will grow.
67. The pretty and cheerful flowers I bought for myself and am enjoying.
68. And frankly, that maybe J. noticed them.
69. And definitely, that they brought SP some pleasure, or at least I tried to see that they did.
70. The beautiful breeze from the cross air of having these windows open.
71. And Sp talked about hating holidays and how we could make our own families out of our chosen loved ones/friends. And even celebrate them with them.
72. And I pictured Christmas here.
73. And now, even a little piano recital.
74. And about doing program work a my lunchtime, which I think I’ll commit to for at least some of these lunches we have coming left : )
75. And I just changed into my nightgown because do not need to go to a meeting
76. And feel fine. Just watching sitcoms but straightened and things are in some order, and I will do laundry tomorrow. And I am off Monday, and I have plans.
77. And M said she’ll help me make plans for my summer.
78. I am grateful that I slept last night.
79. And that I don’t remember any nightmares. Maybe didn’t even have any.
80. And I woke up okay.
81. And thanked God right away, in bed.
82. And that that came naturally.
83. And that I then made the coffee as Sp said she does and I do every day anyway.
84. And then came and did the feelings magnetic board. Wow.
85. And am thrilled to see that I had more good than bad this morning. I wouldn’t necessarily have expected that!
86. And how new and renewed and sacred and okay (despite some shakies) I feel this morning. Thank you, God.
87. And I just took a deep breath.
88. And I am especially grateful for friends today. I can go to church with K. Or to meeting or 2 meetings. I can go to lunch after meeting with some. And I might have dinner with MA and her niece tonight. What blessings. I take a moment right now and add lonely people to my prayer list.
89. And In This Moment, which I read right after coffee before feelings thing, as Sp said, was about celebrating self.
90. And I was lying in bed picturing that I’d have the yard fixed asap☺
91. And that I will get a barbeque thingy and cook for myself and enjoy it.
92. And even have friends here and cook for/with them too. Vegan only of course.
93. And I was in the garage yesterday evening and it felt good to stand in my (cluttered and wet smelling and broken window) garage!
94. And that I will throw laundry in soon.
95. And get to start my oa work right now (finishing these gratitudes is part of it anyway)
96. And that the first prayer I said today, on knees, came out and it was the third step prayer.
97. And that I have hope. (repeat so will do extra)
98. That I got the sponsor I got at oa. And that I had the courage to run over that day to make it happen. And that Sp helps me so much.
99. That some people have good and happy lives. And that that is a good example for me.
100. That I am breathing well this morning.
101. That I am solemn and sacred but also fun!
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