My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. I got up, prayed on knees, did the 2 3rd-step prayers, the 100 gratitudes, readings, prayer to God and to the Blessed Virgin, prayed for the people on my prayer list, 10 minutes step work, Affirmations on blog, 15 minute call with Sp, had coffee, and was ok.
2. Went to meeting.
3. I like that we go through all the tools at that one, which of course we did.
4. I did literature, but as it is a choice to read or share on it, I chose to read, even though it turned out to be one short paragraph, because I felt that that would be at least certainly definitely really representative of oa.
5. I also did a good and honest share, for me, and especially because there was a newcomer there.
6. And J-at-the-meeting smiled at me and called me Sweetie. I think because he’s the one who knows (as literature person) that I donated the money so the group would have newcomer packets.
7. I’m glad the meeting is getting stronger.
8. And I made the correct turn and had an easy way home, straight over to the parkway and down.
9. It is gloriously beautiful day.
10. Much greenery, beautiful beautiful beautiful
11. I called J. and he said yes about walking there with him and Ph and then taking her back here and that felt great to me.
12. Ma. Called me last night. I will get back to her (it was a message).
13. When I called J. at about 4 because *so * exhausted (had taken aspirin and valium because really didn’t feel well), and asked him if inconvenient if I don’t dome, he said no not at all and I was glad about that because I kind of really needed a day off.
14. But then he had to ask, “Listen, have you given any more thought to the thing about telling your mother, because it’s really getting to be too much for me,” or something like that. Which scared me. A lot. But that’s when I took the valium, and watched tv and lay down and waited a few minutes. And called my dr. who said a couple of smart things. And was honest.
15. I’m grateful for both the smart things and the honesty.
16. And that I am able to get through moments like that at this point.
17. I also said I was prepared to serve dinner to his mother and mine here if it came to that, or to go out or whatever it took (because earlier he didn’t know yet what his mother was doing – she wasn’t sure she even had plans). And about here, he said, “I’m sure it won’t come to that.” And I said, “No problem, I’m ready either way.” And he said, “ I might just stop over and see her.” Which earlier he had said *with me, * so I said, “Well don’t worry, I have dessert ready too and am happy to bring it. Or not. Open to anything, really.” And he didn’t say anything. But I think since I wrote him that letter and gave it to him by hand last Sunday eve, and he is not referring to it at all, what I should do is not refer to it and just provide some nice times. Like after tomorrow, which is kind of an obligation and he’s uncomfortable about not telling, build in two nice things. Then maybe a talk. Then another two nice things. Then discuss a couple of little things around here, the big tax hike, and the nephew’s fiance’s shower. And I’m grateful for all those ideas.
18. And that the drive to and from the meeting was enjoyable.
19. And so were my brief talks with MA
20. And with my mother, and the shopping with her too.
21. And I have *healthy, * *weight-friendly * foods here! Fruit, veggies, whole grains, proteins, fats, calcium, tea, coffee, water, juice, vitamins, prescribed meds. Lucky.
22. And that I finally did do today’s meditation (and heard the birds again, because they were singing in the morning, and they’re singing now! : )
23. (Morning now): And that I went on and posted it
24. And that I wrote to cousin Jo again, in support
25. That I’m back on the weight-losing.
26. And really *want * healthy food.
27. And don’t resent having to make it.
28. And have a couple more days to add to step four before maybe finishing this step five
29. And that I take my vitamins every morning now
30. And that my dr was there for me last night
31. And that this morning, on my knees and in the l.r. with both third step prayers, I didn’t pray about wanting something. Just Thy will
32. And I think the things I’m hearing at meetings are very much teaching me that, including yesterday’s meeting
33. And that Tr came back for Flat T.
34. And I finally got to meet her daughter
35. And Th
36. And her daughter was so sweet and so pretty and seemed smart too
37. And Th was so funny
38. And they seemed close like brother and sister, and Tr said indeed they are
39. That I remembered about the early meeting today – might do that
40. And took phone numbers; should use them.
41. That I played with Colorforms yesterday
42. And made two pictures
43. And I really like them both
44. It was fun, and creative, and happy-making
45. And have another one to bring to school (too babyish)
46. The Promises of CoDA. “I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions…
47. I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
48. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity, and dignity.
49. I know a new freedom.
50. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
51. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving, and loved.
52. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
53. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
54. I learn that it is possible for me to mend – to become more loving, intimate, and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
55. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
56. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
57. I trust the guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
58. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life. –May these all come true for me. I start *working * my program today.
59. Wow. Today’s For Today: “How seek the way which leadeth to our wishes? By renouncing our wishes. The crown of excellence is renunciation.”
Hafiz Divan
60. “How I struggle to get what I want! Where is that perfect friend, mate, child I so hoped for? What can I do to attain the prestige, power, money and success I feel I deserve? Here, too, the OA program shows me the answer: Though I may think I want all these things, what I really want is to be at peace with myself.”
61. “No person, possession or acclaim can do that for me.”
62. OA’s suggestion is: let go your wishes, turn them over to your Higher Power to grant or not as God sees fit.”
63. “An immediate result of renouncing my wishes is that I stop thinking about them. I live in the moment, giving the best thought I am capable of to each task that comes to hand.”
64. And it says, “I have complete faith that, as I turn over what I want, God will give me what I need.”
65. In today’s Voices of Recovery it says: Aat the very first meeting we attended, we learne that we were in the clutches of a dangerous illness, and that willpower, emotional health, and self-confidence, which some of us had once possessed, were no defense against it.” OA 2nd edition p.1
66. “The only defense I have against the disease of compulsive overeating is a spiritual one. After ears in the program, after wieight loss, after learning and practicing healthy eating habits, after discovering better ways to react to life’s changes, I must continue to search for and accept guidance from a higher Power.
67. How many times have I fallen for the mistaken notion that after a few days or months of successful eating and living, I can again take charge of my life? I’ve learned the hard way, by successive relapses and humiliations, that no matter how much better I look, act, or feel, God must always be in charge of my life.” Ch – because I can’t be.
68. “My continued recovery depends on the continual maintenance and growth of my spiritual condition. That hasn’t changed from the ay I set foot in my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and it never will.”
69. That I’m going to be reading the Big Book regularly again now.
70. That I’ve been thinking of getting a bird. I’m almost positive I won’t (PETA, plus Ph, plus the work involved, and the time he’d be alone and the commitment of giving time and energy to, and when I go away…) But the fact that I’ve been thinking of it, is, I think, a good sign.
71. That my mother is alive for Mother’s Day today.
72. That J and I will see her.
73. That I bought and have the CoDA book and workbook
74. I lived through the night.
75. Didn’t binge really.
76. Watched some 2 ½ men.
77. Didn’t go for that walk because felt better for me to rest. Didn’t feel compelled must do what not good for me.
78. Got my mother’s shopping done, even though had been thinking of ways to put it off.
79. SP *can * see me Tuesday. One hour later but that’s not bad. I’ll do some work.
80. CoDA Step one says, “We come to realize that powerless does not mean weak; controlling others does not make us safe; looking to others for our direction does not support us in living our own lives; judging others is not our business; and believing we are all-powerful is painful”
81. “Our lives are different and rewarding when we are willing to work this Step. We experience freedom, personal integrity, and self-empowerment. Developing a genuine interest in taking care of ourselves and honoring our intuition becomes a priority.”
82. “As we let go of the need to control others, we begin to focus on that which we can take care of: OURSELVES.”
83. “We can take our time and act with grace and dignity.”
84. “When we are connected with ourselves and this Step, we begin to have faith that we are capable of changing, and we learn to release our fears.”
85. :We begin to recognize we are worthwhile and valuable.”
86. “As one person in our group shared, ‘When I heard others refer to what I had as a disease, it released me from being responsible for my codependency. I could feel free of shame and blame and move on.’”
87. I did do my meditation. The best I could today.
88. And am only having one cup of coffee here this morning.
89. And am proud of myself that I *planned * and shopped and was (and still am) fully prepared to cook for the four of us today.
90. God is with me. (Right?)
91. I do hear the birds and it’s lovely. I know that’s a repeat, so I’ll do extra.
92. We got through the whole states song at school. They’re getting it.
93. I have started the CoDA work. Hard. But glad I started.
94. Will probably get to one or both meetings today. Grateful.
95. Will do laundry later. Grateful that will and grateful that can.
96. Still keeping house neat, another week, yay.
97. My veins carry my blood.
98. My brain and mouth and larynx are able to work together so I can talk.
99. Nobody I love is in a hospital today.
100. I am getting help. Through the groups, and the sponsor(s) and the literature and even sometimes the phone, and the service and the anonymity and my dr and my friends.
101. It feels like it is very nice weather out there.
102. And I will be out in it soon.