Yesterday's 100 Gratitudes, Finished and Posted Today

I am grateful

. I am grateful for all the time I’ve had with J.
2. That I woke up today
3. That I watered my flowers
4. That I had a nice talk with Sponsor
5. That I will see O today
6. That she changed her work schedule to spend time with me today on my anniversary which is so sad for me
7. That my dr. comes later
8. Wow. Today’s For Today wow. “Nature is no spendthrift, but takes the shortest way to her ends.” Ralph Waldo Emerson. I don’t seem to understand that. But I understand what follows! :
9. “Growth is a phenomenon of nature. I cannot push it, shape it, make it happen. I can only do the footwork, endure the pain and know that the results are not up to me. There is struggle in the growth process; pride, ego and minused will stand in the way and must be overcome gradually, with understanding and compassion.
10. “Pain is always the teacher, but with each period of growth it becomes less acute.
11. “Growth is the opposite of control.
12. “Another term for it is learning to let go and let God.
13. “And that is a subject I can only expect to get better at, not master.
14. “For today: Do I really need to be in control - which is wasted motion, really – or can I trust in my Higher Power?
15. I will let today be a wonderful surprise.”
16. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “…and the ill will which poisoned our hearts for years is washed away.” OA 12 & 12 p. 75
17. “Today, with the help of OA and the Twelve Steps, I live in reality and truly avoid making situations larger than they really are.”
18. OMG this is me. Today’s In This Moment says “In This Moment, feelings are my guide”, which I need. And the part that is me is:
19. “For years, I denied my feelings and pretended that things were OK.”
20. And it says this: “I allowed others to treat me in inappropriate ways
21. “Then I arrived at a point in recovery where my feelings became too strong to ignore. I finally blew.” Yup. That’s me. “I was surprised by the depth of emotion that had been buried for so many years.
22. “In CoDA, I’m working on my issues and feelings are my guide along the path of recovery. “ Wow.
23. “I don’t have to act on them.” I do wish I’d known that sooner. But better late than never.
24. “As I surrender to them, I learn from the wisdom they offer.”
25. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “There is importance in today – not so much in what happens to us, but in how we respond.”
26. “Let today happen. We learn our lessons, we work things out, we change in a simple fashion: by living our life fully today.
27. “Do not worry about tomorrow’s feelings, problems, or gifts.
28. ***”Do not worry about tomorrow’s feelings, problems, or gifts.
29. ***”Do not worry about whether we can trust ourselves, life, or our Higher Power tomorrow.”
30. ***”Everything we need today shall be given to us. That is a promise – from God, from the Universe.”
31. I’m grateful that I am doing this work to become more and more serene. It will work. Inside me. For me.
32. Meanwhile, it goes on to say: “Feel today’s feelings.” This is what my Sponsor was saying this morning too.
33. “Solve today’s problems.
34. “Enjoy today’s gifts.
35. ***“Trust yourself, life and your Higher Power today. ***
36. “Acquire the art of living fully today.
37. “Absorb the lessons,
38. the healing,
39. the beauty
40. the love available to us today
41. “do not be in such a rush to move on.
42. “There is no hurry.
43. “We cannot escape; we only postpone.” Oh, and don’t I know that! I was just saying that to Sp this morning! I know for sure that escape does not work for me. I have tried it for 35 years. It comes back and bites me harder. I must try it the other way now, and am.
44. “Let the feelings go;
45. breathe in peace and healing.”
46. That this is so much like Thich Nhat Hahn.
47. I am so grateful to have found him.
48. And that we looked each other straight in the eye, from close up, sitting outside in the middle of walking meditation. Calmly and not rushed looking in each other’s eyes. So good.
49. And Language of Letting Go then says: “Today, I will not run from myself, my circumstances, or my feelings.
50. “I will be open to myself, others, my Higher Power, and life.
51. “I will trust that by facing today to the best of my ability, I will acquire the skills I need to face tomorrow.”
52. I’m grateful that there was a message from M yesterday.
53. I’m grateful for K.
54. And for Mar.
55. Yesterday’s Recovery Meditation: “And how shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds?” Kahlil Gibran
56. “We are not bad people trying to become good; rather, we are sick people trying to get well.
57. “It takes a long time for some of us to believe this truth. We have been programmed to believe the worst about ourselves . . . or ironically, to believe ourselves to be much better than others. This appears to be a common denominator in our disease.
58. “We despise the person we perceive ourselves to be.
59. “Virtually every event in our lives drives us deeper into the abyss of remorse, self-abuse, self-hate, and self-serving.
60. “We must stop believing lies about ourselves.
61. “The fact that we are here on Earth is proof that we belong and that we have the right - - even the obligation – to be what we can be.
62. “ONE DAY AT A TIME . . . I will honor and respect myself.
63. Although I want to be independent, at least for now, transferring my desperation like I’m not alive without J, to O and MA and Dr. and program and piano and flowers is better because at least even though I’m not fully okay inside, I’m not 100% dependent on him. Maybe.
64. MA saying every gesture towards J feels like a noose around his neck. Don’t tighten it. And therefore don’t *give * the I’m grateful for the time card.
65. Wow. Daily OM today: “Freedom comes from within
66. “Your feelings of lack could make you feel unsettled and might increase your need for control today.
67. “It might be that you are experiencing a temporary shortage of the things that you feel make your life more comfortable and might give you freedom.
68. “Recognizing that true freedom comes from within may help you find a greater sense of stability and centeredness today.
69. “Perhaps you can use the energy of your third chakra, the energy center for your sense of self, to give you the steadfastness you need to remain more grounded. As you breathe in, you might imagine that you are breathing energy from the earth through your feet and up your legs to your abdomen.’
70. “By using this visualization you can picture that with each breath you strengthen the energy in the third chakra and also your connection with the earth.
71. “Doing this can help you find the constancy you desire.
72. “Being grounded and in touch with the healing power that surrounds us gives us a greater feeling of solidity, strength, and confidence in ourselves.
73. *****“When we feel that we don’t have enough, it often means that we are looking to things that are external to us instead of finding our own might from within.
74. “If you picture yourself as being connected to and supported by the unlimited healing energy from the earth today, you will fill your being with the things that will truly make you free to your connection to your higher self and your spirit.
75. Maybe getting through this anniversary without “tightening a noose around J’s neck” will empower us for together later on.
76. Time today (20th) with the two little girls with O. Sweet time with them.
77. And I think I helped the little one feel better too: )
78. O coming tonight
79. Had my therapist appointment. He says it’s looking bad as far as J, but I’m glad I had the appointment
80. And I’m glad that he commented on my looks by saying: “When he does come tomorrow night, make sure you look like you do tonight.”
81. And that O helped me shop yesterday
82. and took me today for a bra fitting and I bought better bras than I’ve had in years
83. And in those senses, is helping me feel like I’m able to become a woman again.
84. I’m so sad. It’s hard to continue. But I must. Um. I’m grateful that M called twice.
85. And that MA was willing to try and see me if I was to be alone for hours today, which was likely at one point to happen.
86. And that O bought me a banana while we were out and she was having coffee
87. And that I ate it
88. And that we’re going out tonight.
89. I can’t believe J didn’t even leave a message or e-mail or anything. But “they say” I’m not alone. I have God.
90. That my dr. was still here for me and able to be honest and try to help me, even though I inconvenienced him by being so late.
91. That some people on Sp Sp prayed for me yesterday. And on 2 threads.
92. As dreadfully painful a lesson it is/has been, I guess I’m grateful that I’m learning that I do, in fact, have an impact.
93. That I’ve started to lose weight again
94. That although G overdosed, he didn’t die. That family has so much going on right now
95. That maybe God will help me.
96. That maybe my eye doctor appointment will go well today
97. That I don’t do drugs
98. That I don’t drink
99. That I don’t think J does either
100. That I can nap if I need to today.