I am grateful:
1. I am grateful that I did that work for Sponsee yesterday
2. And that I talked with Sponsor about food this morning.
3. My favorite prayer: the Seventh Step prayer: “My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding. Amen.” Of course, it means so much to me having *worked * the first seven steps. I think it didn’t when I just read it.
4. So also, I’m so grateful that I’ve worked the first seven steps.
5. That I *see * this amazing vivid bright pink of the carnations. It can’t be a new color. But in all my life I’ve never noticed it before, til this week.
6. Very interesting. Today’s For Today: “We are not carbon copies of one another. What may benefit one person could be entirely inappropriate for another. Each of us must be free to find our own way, both in the adoption of an eating plan and in working the program.” And my sponsor and I had *just * talked about that on the phone, and we almost never talk about food, plus Sp having just woken up, and me having brought it up, so it was before either of us read it for today: )
7. Oh boy. In Voices of Recovery today it says: “Humility is at the heart of Step Seven . . . We ask Him to remove OUR shortcomings, not those of the people who have harmed us.” Guide ot 12 Steps for You and Your Sponsor, p. 11
8. “How often did I blame other people for my overeating? It seemed so eral to say my parent forced me to eat compulsively.”
9. “My history of inadequacy, fear, and shame appeared to be due to lack of ‘proper’ love. My struggles with mental-health problems could have been prevented if only ‘they’ had been different.”
10. “Before I really worked the Seventh Step, I made the choice to dwell in self-centered thinking. Willingness to become humble and let God remove my defects has made all the difference. Serenity is a great exchange for giving up blaming.”
11. I have met a few people through my blog. And this is a big deal to me. Because on there I am 100% me. Flaws, fears, stupidities, everything. And some people like me through it and some care for me through it. Wow. Then I’m not all bad!
12. Oh wow. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, my search for love is over.”
13. “My Higher Power loves me unconditionally. “
14. “My family loves me to the best of there [her] ability.”
15. “My friends give and receive love in an unending circle.”
16. “I am blessed.”
17. “While I long for a [my] primary relationship, I know it will happen when I am ready.” WOW!
Wow wow wow! I think as I continue growing and not NEEDING it so much, it will happen, and very possibly with J.
18. “Then I will be free to love a partner without fear of loss, because I can’t lose the love I already have. “
19. “When I enter into a relationship without fear and insecurity, I am free to be my lovable self.”
20. Today’s Language of Letting Go, about ability to gripe and get it all out: “We don’t have to be all put together, all the time. That sounds more like codependency than recovery.”
21. “…doesn’t mean we need to be victims. It doesn’t mean we need to revel in our misery, finding status in our martyrdom. It doesn’t mean we won’t go on to set boundaries.
22. “It doesn’t mean we wont’ take care of ourselves.”
23. And it says, “Self-disclosure does not mean only quietly reporting our feelings. It means we occasionally take the risk to share our human side – the side with fears, sadness, hurt, rage, unreasonable anger, weariness, or lack of faith.” And that’s what I was thinking about before, what I do on my blog.
24. And with my Sponsor
25. And some very close friends.
26. Ooh, and I like this: “we can let our humanity show. In the process, we give others permission to be human too.”
27. And this, but it scares me a little. Maybe only for dr? : “Sometimes, falling apart – getting it all out – is how we get put back together.” Yeah, dr. for me.
28. I am so grateful that I exercised at the gym this morning.
29. And have finished my first 5-day cycle! : )
30. And that O and I met up there
31. And chatted and had fun working out together
32. And then went to diner together
33. And now I’m going to practice piano some more and I’m glad for that
34. And I’m glad I got to speak with my mommy this morning. Every time I speak with her is a gift.
35. And that tonight I will go to a meeting.
36. And I will do service by drive WAY far out of my way (!) to pick up one person and bring her and take her home and come back
37. And will take friend from other direction as well!
38. And tomorrow O and doggie and I will have some time together at park and/or repotting my plants
39. And today I can be pretty lazy now – piano, read or tv, maybe cook one thing for tomorrow’s lunch or take doggie to park for a little bit
40. That I *have * the 10 dollars a month for the gym
41. That it is so nearby
42. That the trainer can show me what/how to do
43. Recovery Meditation: “The desire to stop suffering is not the same thing as the desire to stop the behavior we are doing which causes us to suffer.” Dr. James Golden
44. And this: “Our disease of addiction causes tremendous suffering to ourselves and to those around us. It consumes our lives and often leads to painful losses. No matter how profoundly we long to be rid of our disease, recovery is not something that falls into our laps just because we want it. We don’t magically stop being compulsive eaters just because that is our desire. It would be great if recovery happened magically and all we’d have to say, ‘I don’t want this disease any more, I don’t want to suffer any longer.’ If it were that easy, we’d immediately find ourselves in a place of complete and total recovery. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
45. And it goes on to say: “One of the first things I learned was that I could wish and hope and pray, but until I put feet to my prayers and actually started working the Steps, I wouldn’t recover from my disease. God will only do for us what He can do through us.
46. “If I’m not willing to do even a little bit of the work, I shouldn’t expect to recover. If I won’t take the first step on this journey, I can’t expect to reach my final destination.
47. I can do some things for myself, like putting the Steps into practice, but what about the things I can’t do for myself? I’ll let God handle those.”
48. And then it says: “ONE DAY AT A TIME . . . I’ll remember that it’s not enough to want to stop suffering from my disease; I also need to do some footwork to make it happen.”
49. And I think I have to put myself and my recovery first now. For real. And that I’m ready.
50. I’m grateful for this beautiful quote from another Recovery Meditation: “Unreasoned fear is a master intellectual fraud practiced upon the evolving mortal soul.” The Urantia Book
51. OMG and this is me! : “’Unreasoned fear’ was my main problem for most of my life.
52. “I lived with a myriad of fears which were too awesome and terrible to face. Since finding this recovery program, I love the fact that I no longer have to live in fear.” What a great promise!
53. And “The realization that most fears are ‘intellectual fraud’ is a wondrous one.”
54. And this: “One slogan that I recall about fear says, ‘Future Events Appear Real.’ That is the first one that really helped me to realize that many fears are not real. “
55. And: “by working the Steps of this program I have managed to stop attempting to live in a future filled with fear.”
56. “When I focus on just being here now, living in this moment only, I don’t have to run from fear.”
57. And “ONE DAY AT A TIME . . . I will stay in this moment. I will look at the people and things that are here right now, and I will enjoy what my Higher Power has given me.”
58. Big one! In Daily OM: “Worry is an extension of fear and can also set you up for attracting that which you don’t want in your life.”
59. And it says:…”In order for worry to exist, we have to imagine that something bad might happen. What we are worrying about has not happened yet, however, so this bad thing is by definition a fantasy.”
60. “Understood this way, worry is a self-created state of needless fear. Still, most of us worry.”
61. And “One reason we worry is because we feel like we’re not in control. For example, you might worry about your loved ones driving home in bad weather. There is nothing you can do to guarantee their safe passage, but you worry until you find out they have reached their destination unharmed.” Yes. I have done that with J.
62. And “In this instance, worry is an attempt to feel useful and in control. However, worrying does nothing to ensure a positive outcome and it has an unpleasant effect on your body mind, and spirit.”
63. And “The good news is that there are ways to transform this kind of worry so that it has a healing effect. Just as worry uses the imagination, so does the antidote to worry. Next time you find that you are worrying, imagine the best result instead of anticipating the worst outcome. Visualize your loved ones’ path bathed in white light and clearly see in your mind’s eye their safe arrival. Imagine angels or guides watching over them as they make their way home. Generate peace and well-being instead of nervousness and unease within yourself.”
64. “Another reason we worry is that something that we know is pending but are avoiding is nagging us – an unpaid parking ticket, an upcoming test, an issue with a friend. In these cases, acknowledging that we are worried and taking action is the best solution. If you can confront the situation and own your power to change it, you’ll have no reason to worry.”
65. Speaking of worry, I’m so grateful that I just got that call. Because I was feeling resentment and about to write on it (in my CoDA work), and the call came from that particular person and it dissipated on its own.
66. I am grateful (next morning now) that I went to the CoDA meeting last night.
67. I am grateful that because it is a new meeting, I’m grateful there were four of us there.
68. And that one of my friends thinks she might become a regular.
69. And that at least three and to some extent four, of us shared our innermost feelings.
70. And that I left feeling lighter and hopeful/not depressed like from that other CoDA meeting which is not right for me.
71. And that I did service. It was a real pain in my ass. I was out for 4 hours instead of 1. And 3 of them driving! Ick! But I helped two other people.
72. Plus – I had the company.
73. Plus – even selfishly speaking, what is service in program – it is anything that keeps the room(s) open. It is showing up, making coffee if they’re a room that has coffee, putting up chairs/setting up, cleaning up afterward, having the key and opening the room, speaking, driving someone there and/or home, taking a service position like treasurer or literature person, representing group at intergroup, . . . and on and on. So what I did last night is that.
74. That I practiced for 2 hours and 40 minutes yesterday.
75. And made progress!
76. And that I could even hear that. Because usually, my ear is so bad and my fears about piano so great, it’s not even *about * the sound.
77. That my parents gave me piano lessons when I was little.
78. I am grateful that I did my thank you, kneeling, and prostrate prayer first today.
79. And that it is Friday not Saturday. Weekdays are easier for me during vacation than weekends, so far.
80. And that I will finally get my thumb shot next Tuesday. It hurts so much, and virtually all the time. So although I know from last time the pain I’ll be in for days, I look forward to the relief that will follow.
81. And maybe this time it could be permanent, dr. said, too!
82. Free weekly movies because of Optimum Triple Play.
83. In an e-mail thingy: “I will try to recognize the God (HP) in them so I can better recognize the God (HP) in myself.” And this is similar to what I was supposed to be doing with J. And I am grateful that I really believe I would now!
84. As I am now working Step Eight, I am glad to see this in an e-mail today, because it will affect my Step Nine, which is connected to Step Eight: “If we neglected or abused our families, we don’t just apologize. We begin to treat them with respect.” And I must do that. And I will do that.
85. And it says, “Amending our behavior and the way we treat ourselves and others is the whole purpose of working the steps. “ So not “just” others, but myself as well. Good.
86. Daily OM talks about meditating to the sounds of nature. That’s a great idea that I might try!
87. It says: “Meditating with the natural sounds of nature will help you connect to something larger than yourself.”
88. And it says: “It’s as if we are discovering a more expansive world, because we are. We are also experiencing ourselves in relation to something larger. This discovery makes us feel rejuvenated and more expansive.”
89. And “The vast and ceaselessly churning ocean is an ideal place for meditating on the sounds of nature. Sit quietly and surrender to the sounds of the thundering, crashing waves. Let go of your ambitions and listen. Rivers and lakes also sing their own songs. Even if you live in the middle of a city, the wind howls and whistles and the rain taps out a variety of sounds depending on where it falls—on the sidewalk, a tin roof, a car window, or a muddy slope. Tune into these sounds next time you hear them instead of letting them fade into the background. Stop and listen as if you are hearing a sublime piece of music. Let the music of this world take you on a journey of natural sounds.”
90. And another daily OM says: “Trusting others becomes easier when we are able to see our interconnectedness. Viewing people as if they were separate from us means we see them as a threat to our sense of self, which makes it more difficult for us to completely trust them. Realizing that we are all part of the same universal spirit, however, lets us place our trust more fully in others.”
91. And “Once we recognize that they have experienced the same emotions and thoughts as we have, the boundaries that seem to divide us dissipate.”
92. And this: “By seeing your oneness with others today, you will be more open, honest, and forthcoming in your interactions.”
93. I am grateful, that feeling *so * tired and kind of worried and compulsive overeater…, that I fed myself a healthy breakfast. I haven’t done that early enough the last few days. I have hope: )
94. Recovery Mediation: "Come, whoever you are! Wanderer,
worshipper, Lover of Leaving. Come, this
is not a caravan of despair. It doesn't
matter if you've broken your vow a
thousand times. Still, and yet again,
come, come." Rumi
95. I’m grateful that I just wrote to my friend about na meetings for her, as it is something we’ve discussed : )
96. In spiritual e-mail thing: “The ‘right way’ to pray and meditate is whatever way helps us improve our conscious contact with our own Higher Power.”
97. I am grateful for Sh for getting these sent to me.
98. I didn’t know how long ago Rumi lived. I loved reading this: “Mevlana
Jelalu'ddin Rumi was a Persian poet and
theologian who lived from 1207 to
1273. Rumi also seemed to understand
recovery quite well, judging from this
quote.”
99. And this, in the Rec. Med. e-mail too: “I have fallen so many times on my
recovery path. Once down, the disease
really starts talking to me. "You're
already down; you may as well stay
down," it will say. Or, "You screwed up
your food plan, so you might as well eat
this, too." On and on, it never fails.”
100. And: “That's why this quote from Rumi means so
much to me. My Higher Power sent it as
an invitation to begin again, however
many times I need.”
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