A Cautionary Tale

This is the hardest fucking work I've ever done.

I went through a very painful divorce, had lyme disease, double pneumonia and 3 accidents during, spent over a year out of 3 in bed, and during all this:
got a job
a second job
a better job
a Master's with a 4.0
had to walk there with neck brace and pills sometimes at night and home in the dark
had no bathroom electricity for a year
no car
no refrig
...
during which I bought a house, after 92 banks turned me down, having never written but one check,
got tenure

That was nothing compared to this.
Nothing was anything compared to this.

This is what babies start doing, and 2 year olds, and 10 year olds, and teens: individuating. Becoming a whole person.

I guess it's so hard for me that's why I never did it. Mother held me back, my own nature, combination of things.

I have avoided this with dependency on relationship my whole life.
I have avoided this with food, alcohol, little drug time, sex, pretense, busy-ness, degrees, work, isolation, sick relationships, disease, injuries, exhaustion...
I have avoided this in every way possible, subconsciously and consciously.

And it turns out it cannot be avoided. Only put off. Only cause so much suffering. And faced the long hard way later.

God help me to do it.

And help anyone reading this who needs to do it, to start now. Waiting makes it much, much worse.

God please help me.
Thank you.