I am grateful:
1. July 29 Language of Letting Go: “today, I will et myself have some fun with life. I will loosen up a bit, knowing I won’t crack and break. God, help me let go of my need to be so inhibited, proper, and repressed. Help me inject a big dose of life into myself by letting myself be fully alive and human.
2. I am grateful that I’ve gotten through this lonely day so far.
3. Oh, and now I just opened this and it’s a really good time for me to see it. July 29 For Today: “Putting my faith in this program means letting go what I have in the expectation of something better.
4. “I must be prepared for moments of confusion and upheaval, feelings of uncertainty and, yes, even fear. However useless or destructive the old may be, it is given up with difficulty.
5. “…everything I turn over to my higher Power is taken care of far better than I could have imagined.
6. And this: “For today: What I need most to turn over to God is already clear to me.”
7. And today’s For Today: “I can experience resentment as a feeling, rather than have it consume me.
8. “It is all right. I am not acting it out – running, escaping, whirling into insanity.”
9. And may I remember this part: “I reach for the telephone,
10. the Big Book,
11. come face to face with a friend.
12. “I am not alone, nor am I frightened.
13. “Resentment is a feeling, not a deed.
14. “I can experience much without wreaking havoc.
15. “I can speak my thoughts, show my ‘bad side,’ and God – and my fellow OAs – accept me without reservation.
16. “For today: Thank God for the healing power of this program.”
17. Voices of Recovery July 29 “…we are free at last.” OA 12 & 12 p. 51
18. And it goes on to say: “On my bike ride I see the tower of the state prison far in the distance. I am reminded of the freedom I have from the prison of compulsive overeating.
19. And “I am grateful that I have recovery but am mindful that the disease is always there, on the horizon.’
20. And that “OA is a spiritual program. It means living a spiritual life.”
21. And “Recovery comes and remains by being faithful to surrender,
22. prayer,
23. and meditation on a daily basis.
24. And that “Each day I need to renew my commitment to abstinence,
25. live the Twelve Steps,
26. and follow my food plan. Only by doing this can I be confident that compulsive overeating will remain in the far distance.
27. I’m grateful for this realization: Since it is vacation, if there’s a day where I do nothing, but don’t get depressed *and * don’t eat badly, that’s good! And good enough.
28. I’m grateful that I was able to enjoy a bit of royal tv stuff today, while doing other things.
29. I’m grateful for yesterday’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I forgive.”
30. And this! “I forgive myself.
31. “I forgive myself for hurting others.
32. “I forgive others for hurting me.
33. “Forgiveness does not mean that I sanction the abuse or pain. It just means that I give the situation over to my Higher Power, so that I may be free from the resentments
34. anger,
35. and pain that keep me from fully experiencing my present.
36. “I may or may not choose to tell someone that I have forgiven them,
37. or do anything about it.
38. “If I am holding on to guilt because of something I did, I make appropriate amends.
39. And this! “I no longer feel shame for who I am.
40. “I am whole.
41. “I am lovable.”
42. And I’m grateful for today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I’m changing my behavior.” Thank God!
43. And it says, “When I make amends, not only do I apologize for the harms I’ve caused in the past, but I also commit to change my behavior in the future.
44. And it reminds me, “Although the other person may benefit, it’s not about the other person; it’s about my own peace of mind and spirit.
45. And that “Walking through a difficult amends cleanses my soul.
46. “Making amends, I become spiritually whole.”
47. And I think I’m ready now to find out for real how to continue on and “finish” my step 8 so I can move on to step 9.
48. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Accepting Powerlessness.” Important.
49. “Since I’ve been a child, I’ve been in an antagonistic relationship with an important emotional part of myself: my feelings.” Me too!
50. “I have consistently tried to either ignore, repress, or force my feelings away.
51. And “I have tried to create unnatural feelings or force away feelings that were present.” These are all so true of me! So I’m grateful to see them here.
52. And – I’m grateful that I’m not doing them so much anymore!
53. It goes on to say: “I’ve denied I was angry, when in fact I was furious.
54. “I have told myself there must be something wrong with me for feeling angry, when anger was a reasonable and logical response to the situation.” Wow. That’s healing to read.
55. And “I have told myself things didn’t hurt, when they hurt very much. I have told myself stories such as ‘That person didn’t mean to hurt me’ . . . ‘He or she doesn’t know any better’ . . . ‘I need to be more understanding.’ The problem was that I had already been too understanding of the other person and not understanding and compassionate enough with myself.” Well, to some degree. Not fully about the other though, I think.
56. It then says: “It has not just been the large feelings I have been at war with; I have been battling the whole emotional aspect of myself. I have tried to use spiritual energy, mental energy, and even physical exertion to not feel what I need to feel to be healthy and alive.” Gulp. Yeah.
57. “I didn’t succeed at my attempts to control emotions.
58. “Emotional control has been a survival behavior for me. I can thank that behavior for helping me get through many years and situations where I didn’t have any better options. But I hae learned a healthier behavior – accepting my feelings.
59. “We are meant to feel.
60. “Part of our dysfunction is trying to deny or change that.
61. “Part of our recovery means learning to go with the flow of what we’re feeling
62. and what our feelings are trying to tell us.
63. “We are responsible for our behaviors, but we do not have to control our feelings. We can let them happen.
64. And even: “We can learn to embrace, enjoy, and experience – feel – the emotional part of ourselves.
65. “Today, I will stop trying to force and control my emotions. Instead, I will give power and freedom to the emotional part of myself.”
66. But – I know that does NOT mean let my ACTIONS run wild.
67. Next morning – I am so grateful that there are comments on my blog today! Sweet beautiful comments!
68. Birdie called me dear one.
69. JJ is there.
70. Birdie is eating well, yay.
71. I am grateful that MA called last night.
72. And was willing to go out, but I was too tired. But I’m glad she asked.
73. And we *might * get together today – with or without others.
74. And that Ma called.
75. And is driving me to church with her today. I’m nervous about it but grateful.
76. And that although I’ll miss her so much, doggie is going back today. She won’t be alone while I’m in my course.
77. And that I have been able to feel her against me these past few nights.
78. And that I had some pleasantish dreams last night, not like the nightmares of the night before.
79. And that I think I’m finally ready to commit to my OA program. Maybe have finally learned my lesson.
80. I am grateful for Today’s For Today: “For today: Prayer is not logical, and yet it works. Where rational intelligence fails, I place my faith in a source of help that is beyond my understanding and know that I will receive what I need.” Wow. May that be true!
81. Summer. I’m just grateful for summer. I dreaded it, but I need this time.
82. Today’s Voices of Recovery really speaks to me. It says, “Relapse is not inevitable.” A Plan of Eating, page 9
83. It goes on to say this: “I had such a history of relapse that my sponsor said, ‘If nothing changes, nothing changes.’ That meant drastic change in every area of my life – one day at a time.
84. “My life was permeated by bad habits.” As mine has been.
85. “Breaking bad habits can require lots of prayer and willingness.” Okay, that means with those it *can * be done.
86. “At first, just driving past the restaurant or grocery store and heading for a safe place took every ounce of willingness I could muster.” Yes, that’s me too.
87. But it says “But every time I do that, it gets easier the next time.” Good
88. And “Just for today, I can do this.
89. “All of the power of the universe is behind every prayer, every attempt to do things a little bit better today than I did yesterday.
90. “It really is a new day.
91. “I now know what works and what doesn’t.
92. “I can, for today, be kind to myself and to my body.
93. “I can be my own best friend.” Wow.
94. “Even if I am taking baby steps in the direction of my dreams, I will get there.” Hope.
95. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I feel my feelings.” I know this is important and am glad my “feelings box” came and I can return K’s to her.
96. Then it says: “My feelings do not define me.” That’s a new thought for me!
97. “They are neither good nor bad – they just are.” I am able to teach this to my students, but need to learn it myself.
98. And “How long I hold onto my feelings, especially resentments, is my choice.” Wow. I think my worst resentments are the ones against myself.
99. “If I feel overwhelmed by my feelings, I take a time out. I respect the place where I am. I acknowledge my feelings.
100. “They won’t go away simply because I ignore or deny them.
101. “I need to share them with someone I trust.” (Dr? Friend? Blog?)
No comments:
Post a Comment