I am grateful:
1. Sponsor said good things this morning.
2. Trying to remember them now through my pain: that I’m looking left when I should be looking right. Like looking at what I don’t have instead of at what I do
3. That thinking/feeling I need J for breath is crazy.
4. To keep doing the other things. Like fill myself with good things until full again
5. That it is hard. That life is hard. That when Sp’s spouse died…and how you go through the tunnel and when you come out the other side it’s better.
6. Again, like steel in the fire then stronger, then back in then stronger.
7. And how do you *get * through it? You feel it. And what is that like? It hurts. You hurt. You cry. But you get through it.
8. St. Jude
9. Daily OM today: Learning to find fulfillment in yourself and your life as it is in the present could help you fill any sense of emptiness you may have.
10. And “Perhaps today you can look within and ask yourself what it is that you feel you need more of in your life—love, hope, or confidence. You might then imagine that you have a box filled with what you need and take whatever it is out of the box. Knowing that once you hold your desire in your hand it is yours, you can remind yourself that there is nothing you currently lack for everything is at your fingertips.”
11. And “Understanding that only we can satisfy ourselves gives us the power to fulfill our own needs. When we search for gratification outside of ourselves it usually means that we are not giving our spirit what it needs to feel fulfilled
12. “which makes it easier for us to focus on ourselves and more rewarding ways to feed our deepest yearnings.
13. “Once we realize that we hold the key to our happiness, we will stop searching for things outside of ourselves. Bring your focus within today, and you will find that you already have everything you need to be happy.”
From article someone sent, Are You Broken Yet http://www.suite101.com/content/are-you-broken-yet-a375992 it says ,“The person who is trying to fix things may feel that they are at their wits’ end and broken. The truth is they are only broken when they are able to give up trying to “fix” things. Once they give up, religious individuals are able to turn to God for the answers, rather than continuing to move forward alone.
14. Being broken means hitting that rock bottom place where there is nowhere else to turn but to God. By doing this, there can be great relief in just turning the situation over and allowing the miracles to work,
15. Step back, give up and give in to the Universe, God or whatever Higher Power a person believes in.
16. Wait for the answers and relax.
17. You cannot “fix” things; accept that and sink into the fact that you are broken. For a religious individual, only this higher power can “fix” things for you.
18. Once broken, the person has nowhere to go but up. An answer will come, and time will pass.
19. By allowing oneself to stop trying to “fix” things, that person acknowledges their humanness and frailty. It is okay to turn problems over to the personal higher power. Stop, look and listen for the answers; they will come to you.
20. Everything happens for a reason; it is not up to us to try to figure out or wonder why. One must accept that something did happen that hurt and the individual must acknowledge that this event cannot be erased.
21. Think beyond the problem and start living positively again, knowing that in time that problem will be fixed, just not by you.
22. If you need an example, consider the crucifixion of Christ. It was an ominous and sad day, but three days later, the Light of the World arose from death and the grave
23. This is one simple thing to keep in mind when things go bad and you feel yourself plummeting downward into despair. Being shattered is not good, but you will not pass beyond shattered until you accept that you are broken.
24. Attaining happiness may not be the end-all goal that the higher power has in mind for a person. Perhaps discipline and being holy is the goal, and the roadblocks actually are road signs or detours along the way to that end. Accept the fact that whatever happened was allowed to happen; religious individuals can find it helpful to turn it over to God, the Universe or that Higher Power to fix. Stop worrying and begin to live again.
25. PM I am grateful J came for dinner
26. And loved the salad
27. And loved the soup
28. And we had a nice time chatting
29. And then of course came the part in the living room, about his feelings, which while kind and gentle are not so marriage-with-me-minded at this point. But I am grateful that he was able to express it.
30. And I am grateful that I was able to hear him.
31. With love.
32. And we were nice to each other.
33. And calm.
34. And he did ask how *I * feel.
35. And I did tell him.
36. And one of the things I feel is that we should try *something. *
37. And he did say if I think of something he will “listen.” Which was nice.
38. And he talked about how I’ve been his best friend his whole adult life so it’s hard. And that was meaningful.
39. I’m so happy for J. that he is finding himself, and acknowledging his feelings, and expressing his voice.
40. And I’m grateful that I am truly able to want what’s best for *him. *
41. And – I’m grateful for the growth I’m making.
42. And – I’m grateful that there is still some hope.
43. And I’m grateful for MA
44. And O
45. And Dr., who did call here but I missed his call.
46. And that *I * could be there for O too, after all she’s been through yesterday and today.
47. And that she seems okay tonight.
48. And even dug and planted grass…
49. And is going to the gym tomorrow.
50. And maybe I will too.
51. And that I intend to look good every day now.
52. And that I feel something has opened up between me and J now. An openness. Even as friends. Because I’ve missed him and I believe he’s missed me that way too.
53. I’m grateful that M invited me to the movie in the afternoon.
54. And that MA convinced me to go.
55. And that I went.
56. And we enjoyed it.
57. And that there’s a message from her here too tonight.
58. I’m grateful that I’m not hysterical.
59. And – I’m grateful that my big opthamologist appointment went so well.
60. And that I take care of my eyes every day.
61. And that the CoDA thing came in the mail today, so I can give K back hers.
62. That I meditated today, at doctor’s office
63. Sp: A lot of positives came out of that. And the way I behaved.
64. Eye pressure was very good
65. Optic nerve was very good
66. Visual field was awesome
67. Camera computer pictures good eye lost a few points but could be the sensitivity of the camera if I moved even a little, which I think I did. He’s not worried.
68. Everything would be a *whole * lot worse if that exam hadn’t gone well.
69. I’m glad that I’m becoming the person I’m becoming. The one who was able to behave so well last night.
70. That I know that the less dependent, not only the better for me, but the more desirable as well.
71. I’m grateful that K said over and over how she loves me and how proud she is of me and how great I did
72. And that G lived through the overdose
73. And maybe will get to rehab
74. I’m grateful for God
75. And for hope.
76. And for program.
77. And for piano
78. And for a/c
79. And that although I didn’t take the garbage out, I did water the plants
80. And move the jade, which it turns out was MUCH too hot and dry in that place. It will probably make it after all.
81. I’m grateful that I’m so determined to look “my best” every day now.
82. Yesterday’s For Today: “Extreme remedied are very appropriate for extreme diseases.” Hippocrates
83. “For today: I have taken the first step. God help me to stay on this new path toward physical, mental and spiritual recovery.”
84. Today’s For Today: “ what I know is this: I have a cunning, baffling and powerful disease that can and does throw every trick in the book at me.
85. “Yes, I need to be at meetings. Yes, I need to hear newcomers. And yes, I need to keep on working the program over and over again. I have read the Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve a hundred times, and each time the same words give me a different meaning, a new insight.
86. “For today: Thank God I’m here; pray God to keep me here.”
87. Today’s voices of Recovery which mentions “…what the pamphlet says: ‘The simple ability to eat and sleep normally and wake up glad you are alive,…” I am grateful that they say that, and that means there is hope to wake up grateful that I am alive one day.
88. I am so grateful that I am not falling apart today. Sad. Sad sad sad. But not falling apart.
89. And it’s like things are aired out more and that’s good.
90. And I like that it says: “I see that abstinence is the foundation underlying imy ability to appreciate all that is good in my life. Today I choose to abstain from compulsive eating.
91. Yesterday’s In This Moment speaks of the person having found the right place, CoDA, and “…and trust that I would find help in recovery.”
92. Yesterday’s Language of Letting go: “We are not always clear about what we are experiencing, or why. In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing, or discipline – it’s difficult to have perspective. That’s because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
93. “If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary.”
94. “Today, … I will trust that being is sufficient…”
95. “Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Some of us were taught that life couldn’t be trusted, that we had to control and manipulate our way through.”
96. “Most of us were taught, inappropriately, that we couldn’t trust ourselves.”
97. “We can learn to appropriately trust our Higher Power – not to make people do what we want them to, but to help us take care of ourselves, and to bring about the best possible circumstances, at the best possible times, in our life.”
98. “We can trust the process – of life and recovery.”
99. “We do not have to control, obsess, or become hypervigilant.”
100. “We may not always understand where we are going, or what’s being worked out in us, but we can trust that something good is happening.”
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