I am grateful:
1. I bought the makeup yesterday. It was time. Haven’t bought ANY in a year; some, longer than that. Plus should NOT use old makeup for sure.
2. That while there, saw the major shoe sale. Not too expensive to begin with, they were all on those racks 50% off, and many had a 20% coupon as well. I finally have enough shoes to look and feel good at work.
3. That for winter, when I need shoes again, I will be careful with prices *and * not overbuy. Then *after * season, will try to do sale like this one for winter shoes. Because I am good with shoes and don’t need to have many plus keep them for years and years, I feel good about this: )
4. That O got her makeup done and felt and looked great.
5. And that she had a sort of date last night, which I expect went well.
6. That M was so grateful that I did the paper and got it to her in time.
7. And I’m so happy to have been able to do something for her!
8. And that I did *not * give in to the sticker books for kids impulse buy. Which would have been 28 dollars! Ay that I didn’t do it!
9. That I did make it to my piano lesson yesterday. I was really nervous because of how long it takes me to accomplish so little and was concerned about “playing” in front of my teacher.
10. But she made me feel safe. I’m grateful.
11. And – she was impressed with how I’d done the Bach.
12. And – she was able to show me what to do with it next.
13. And she gave me some great hints about the Chopin.
14. Plus played it for me again.
15. And I do love it.
16. In fact, I love them both.
17. And I’m proud of myself for being so careful in selecting them so that I’d not tire of them before I could play them!
18. And I’m proud of myself for the practicing I’ve done.
19. And – I’m grateful that I enjoyed it too.
20. And that I practiced today.
21. And it was more meaningful practice
22. Because teacher showed me more about the *composition * of the pieces.
23. And when I play the Bach the best I can as chords, it really sounds like an organ in a church.
24. And when I play it as written, it puts me in mind of sort of a harpsichord.
25. And I’m grateful for the great book I’ve found.
26. And that I’ve read so much of it.
27. And learned from it.
28. And that there is still hope for my marriage with J.
29. And that I accept him and whatever he feels. Finally. And calmly.
30. And that he is open to listening to an idea. I am very grateful for that.
31. And that I haven’t eaten any real junk today.
32. I’m grateful that I’m *doing * this work today. Because I’ve sunk in it a bit these few days. And I know I need to be back so I’m glad I am.
33. Like in Language of Letting Go July 25, it says: “Keep practicing our recovery behaviors, even when they feel awkward, even when they haven’t quite taken yet, even if you don’t get it yet.” I know this is a repeat, so I’ll add at end. But it is important.
34. And it says, “We need to work at recovery behaviors with the diligence, effort, and repeated practice we applied to codependent behaviors.” Wow.
35. And “We need to force ourselves to do things even when they don’t feel natural.
36. “We need to tell ourselves we care about ourselves and can take care of ourselves even when we don’t believe what we’re saying.
37. “We need to do it, and do it, and do it – day after day, year after year.
38. “We may have to ‘act as if’ for months, years, before recovery behaviors become ingrained and natural.”
39. And – I don’t think I’ll be among the slowest, but rather among the quickest. I’m already changing!
40. And it says, “Keep on taking care of yourself, no matter what
41. And “Keep on plugging away at recovery behaviors, one day at a time.
42. “Keep on loving yourself, even when it doesn’t feel natural.
43. “Act as if for as long as necessary, even if that time period feels longer than necessary.
44. And it says, “Today, I will plug away at my recovery behaviors, even if they don’t feel natural. I will force myself to go through the motions even if that feels awkward. I will work at loving myself until I really do.”
45. Then on July 26 it says, “Don’t you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances.
46. And “We are not victims. WE do not have to be victims. That is the whole point!
47. “Yes, admitting and accepting powerlessness is important. But that is a first step, an introduction to this business of recovery. Later, comes owning our power.
48. “Changing what we can. This is as important as admitting and accepting powerlessness. And there is so much we can change.
49. “We can own our power, wherever we are, wherever we go, whoever we are with.
50. “We do not have to stand there with our hands tied, groveling helplessly, submitting to whatever comes along.
51. “There are things we can do. We can speak up.
52. “Solve the problem.
53. “Use the problem to do something good for ourselves.
54. “We can make ourselves feel good.
55. “We can walk away.
56. “We can come back on our terms.
57. “We can stand up for ourselves.
58. “We can refuse to let others control and manipulate us.
59. “We can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves.”
60. And I have started to do that!
61. “We can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. That is the beauty, the reward, the crown of victory we are given in this process called recovery. It is what it is all about!
62. And it says this: “If we can’t do anything about the circumstance, we can change our attitude.
63. “We can do the work within: courageously face *our * issues so we are not victimized.
64. “We have been given a miraculous key to life. We are victims no more unless we want to be.
65. “Freedom and joy are ours for the taking, for the feeling, for the hard work we have done.
66. And it says: “Today, I will remind myself as often as necessary that I am not a victim, and I do not need to be victimized by whatever comes my way. I will work hard to remove myself as a victim, whether that means setting and enforcing a boundary, walking away, dealing with my feelings, or giving myself what I need. God, help me let go of my need to feel victimized.”
67. On the 27th it says: “Stop trying so hard to control things. It is not our job to control people, outcomes, circumstances, life. Maybe in the past we couldn’t trust and let things happen. But we can now. The way life is unfolding is good. Let it unfold.
68. “Stop trying so hard to do better, be better, be more. Who we are and the way we do things is good enough for today.
69. And even this: “Who we were and the way we did things yesterday was good enough for that day.
70. “Ease up on ourselves. Let go. Stop trying so hard.
71. “Today, I will let go. I will stop trying to control everything. I will stop trying to make myself be and do better, and I will let myself be.” I think I’ve seen these and gratituded them, so I’ll do a lot extra at end today.
72. July 28: On fear. “Don’t panic.”
73. “Problems were made to be solved.
74. “Life was made to be lived.
75. “Although sometimes we may be in over our heads – yes, we may even go under for a few moments and gulp a few mouthfuls of water, we won’t drown.
76. “We’re wearing – and always have been wearing – a life jacket. That support jacket is called ‘God.’
77. “Today, I will remember to take care of myself. When I get in over my head, God is there supporting me – even when my fears try to make me forget.”
78. And on the 29th: “Have some fun. Loosen up a bit. Enjoy life!
79. “We do not have to be so somber and serious. We do not have to be so reflective, so critical, so bound up within ourselves and the rigid parameters others, and often ourselves, have placed around us.
80. And this! “This is life, not a funeral service. Have some fun with it.
81. “Enter into it.
82. “Participate.
83. “Experiment.
84. “Take a risk.
85. “Be spontaneous.
86. “Do not always be so concerned about doing it right, doing the *appropriate * thing.
87. “Do not always be so concerned about what others will think or say. What they think and say are their issues not ours.
88. “Do not be so afraid of making a mistake.
89. “Do not be so fearful and proper.
90. “do not inhibit yourself so much.
91. “God did not intend us to be so inhibited, so restricted, so controlled.
92. “These repressive parameters are what other people have imposed on us, what we have allowed to be done to us.
93. “We were created fully human.”
94. Wait a minute. That means *I * was created fully human. Fully.
95. “We were given emotions, desires, hopes, dreams, feelings.
96. “There is an alive, excited, fun-loving child in us somewhere!
97. “Let it come out!
98. “Let it come alive!
99. “Let it have some fun – not just for two hours on Saturday evening.
100. “Bring it with us, let it help us enjoy this gift of being alive, being fully human, and being who we are!”
101. Being who I am? Wow.
102. And it goes on to say: “So many rules. So much shame we’ve lived with. It simple isn’t necessary. We have been brainwashed. It is time now to free ourselves, let ourselves go, and enter fully human into a full life.
103. “Don’t worry. WE will learn our lessons when necessary.
104. “We have learned discipline. We will not go awry.
105. “What will happen is that we will begin enjoying life.
106. “We will begin enjoying and experiencing our whole self.”
107. This is a beautiful promise!
108. “We can trust ourselves.”
109. I – can trust myself. Wow.
110. “We have boundaries now.” True.
111. “We have our program for a foundation.” True.
112. “…and our Higher Power.”
113. “We are being guided, but a frozen, inanimate object cannot be guided. It cannot even be moved.
114. “Have some fun. Loosen up a bit. Break a few rules. We won’t be punished by God.
115. “We do not have to allow people to punish us.
116. “And we can stop punishing ourselves.
117. “As long as we’re here and alive, let’s begin to live."
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