Growing

Growing.
Growing growing growing. It's all about growing.
I must remember the big point. The long-term goal.
Driving down the street yesterday while J drove right past me was so hard. The e-mail exchange today was soooo hard. It's like a formal, polite stranger.
I feel like it is choking me.

But
That is not the issue.
Right? Right?
Right.
The issue is that I have never been full; complete; whole. I have depended on a someone else to make me feel like I exist *at least* since age 14, when my mother was first hospitalized and I had my first boyfriend and he was there for me.
Of course my life cannot work out this way.

I *must* continue the growth. That means the hard work on myself, the making fun times, the facing feelings, all of it. No matter what J. chooses or does.
Or else I don't exist.

Please God let me feel Your presence and continue to do the right thing now. I'm sad and sorry that I couldn't sooner.