I am grateful:
1. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Today, I will affirm that I can learn to trust appropriately. I can trust myself, my Higher Power, and recovery. I can learn to appropriately trust others too.”
2. Since I’ll be religiously busy and not seeing book next 2 days, I am looking ahead. Tomorrow’s For Today says, “If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on earth.” Abraham Lincoln
3. “If Lincoln could achieve all that he did feeling such depression, can I not bear feeling down in the dumps occasionally without being driven to the insanity of compulsive overeating?”
4. And it says that, “With the support of the OA program, it is possible to feel a full range of human emotions and remain abstinent.”
5. “Feelings have no power.”
6. “They cannot dictate my actions.”
7. “At times I have stood still and hurt, and at other times I applied for relief by contacting and OA friend or going to a meeting. Both ways work.”
8. “Feeling bad is part of being human. I don’t try to escape it any more than I try to escape feeling good.”
9. C’s psychiatrist who does the blood work and found the serotonin etc. stuff missing in him. Maybe I should have that.
10. I am grateful for my desire now to *live * life rather than *just * PREPARE for it.
11. And my desire to almost go with the flow. It’s a kind of relief. [***Although I *am * afraid that some of the okay feelings today *could be * that I had a *fix * of J last night. I hope not.]
12. Wow. And right after writing about the desire to go with the flow instead of not, I see this in Sunday’s For Today: “the most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious.” Albert Einstein. Wow.
13. Wow wow wow. It goes on to say: “I will probably never understand exactly what happened to me when I came to Overeaters Anonymous. I have no frame of reference for surrender, or spiritual awakening. These events, which happened simultaneously, constitute by far the most beautiful experience of my life.”
14. And: “The gifts placed before me in the wake of this experience are equally mysterious: I am unshakably abstinent; I go through all the ups and downs of my life without having to eat over anything. “
15. “That in itself is miracle enough, but there is more. Each one of the promises of the big Book is coming true.
16. “God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
17. “It is all an incomparably beautiful mystery.
18. “For today: I celebrate the miracle of my new life in OA.”
19. This honest talk with J yesterday is freeing in a way. And I think that’s healthy that I feel that. So maybe I’m not defective after all. Like they say, “God doesn’t make junk.”
20. Huge – tomorrow’s Voices of Recovery: “for many of us, this freedom came when we took Step Three and turned the entire problem over to our Higher Power.” OA 12 & 12 p. 20
21. It says the entire problem. And I think that can refer to all problems.
22. And it says: “… the word freedom appears so many times in all of our literature. I began to think about the freedoms from my disease I gained by working each of the Steps of Overeaters Anonymous: 1) Freedom from the obsession with food
23. 2) Freedom from insanity and hopelessness
24. 3) Freedom from the bondage of self
25. 4) Freedom from dishonesty
26. 5) Freedom from isolation
27. 6) Freedom from running the show
28. 7) Freedom from self-reliance
29. 8) Freedom from blame
30. 9) Freedom from fear of people
31. 10) Freedom from complacency
32. 11) Freedom from loneliness
33. 12) Freedom from lack of purpose
34. Sunday’s Voices of Recovery: “It is important to bear in mind that knowledge about ourselves and our nutritional needs is useless without the kind of help we find in OA, because we remain powerless to apply it.” OA 12 & 12 p. 23
35. And it says: “I have to remind myself of this every day.”
36. I don’ know. But there’s *something * in this. Tomorrow’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I savor my senses. My feelings are real. They are the result of all that my senses report to my brain, based not just n the moment, but also on my history. In the past, I could see and hear, but did not appreciate the way my brain brought al the inputs together. My feelings and reactions build upon all of the information that my senses report. I am aware of my senses and have learned to value them. It is through them that I identify my feelings. I like this journey of self-discovery.
37. Thank you, God, for my senses.
38. And Sunday’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I am a recovering codependent.”
39. And: “I clearly see how I learned to be codependent in my childhood. I was shamed, neglected, invalidated, and forced to take on responsibilities too heavy for my age. Sometimes, people praised and complimented me for my codependent behavior! They couldn’t see that my ‘unselfish’ behavior was damaging.” I am grateful to read that because I can relate to it.
40. And it says: “Now, I am learning healthy new behaviors, communication skills, and ways to respond. I practice my skills by interacting with other recovering codependents. I get support and encouragement from the Fellowship.”
41. Wow – tomorrow’s Language of Letting Go:
Okay. That’s all I got to that day. And now I’m back from the retreat and I will do gratitudes:
I am grateful for these:
1. That I had a real serenity – peace – for *hours * yesterday morning.
2. That I have some peace right now, the next afternoon.
3. That I spent time with Mar this morning.
4. That we started our day together alone in a chapel with the Blessed Sacrament.
5. That I went to the retreat. Even though up until about 10 minutes before I left, packed and everything, I was seriously considering backing out.
6. That it was air conditioned, which I didn’t know for sure in advance…
7. That I made my own food, because I knew theirs wouldn’t be vegan.
8. That I remembered to bring it!
9. That they made room in their packed fridge for it.
10. That they had more than enough fresh cold water for us all at all times.
11. That they had 3 meals a day planned in.
12. And snack time. I didn’t snack, but these were like breaks and time to gather and chat or rest a bit or have some iced tea…
13. And they did *not * do the sleep deprivation thing some retreats have done! Not these people, and I’m grateful for that.
14. That I did this, even without J.
15. That I’ve grown because if I’d been there a year ago, with J., I’d have been dependent on him in my actions, thoughts, my every move, all weekend.
16. That although I was nervous about sharing a room with stranger(s), I let go and just went with it.
17. And there were of us and it was fine.
18. And the bed was comfortable. That was a pleasant surprise.
19. That I had a nice little nap on Sat. afternoon.
20. That I remembered to call my mother two times each day and she was fine.
21. And that I took her to the bank and shopping today.
22. That I ran into V. there.
23. That he was also happy to see me, having not seen each other in about 30 years! Since he was virtually a kid!
24. That he is a spiritual man.
25. And I think, at least he says, he is happy.
26. That Ch came for lunch one day
27. And for a Mass
28. Although I think he felt forced and did not have enough patience about being there, I was glad to see him and I think he was glad to see me, and I believe Mar was glad to see him at least.
29. That Mar. seems to have come to a place where she believes, out of love for Ch, that she *must * try something *different. *
30. That I believe she *is * strong enough to do so.
31. That maybe Ch will start to really get help now, or soon, or soon enough.
32. Maybe even the Amy Winehouse tragedy will help me. Of course I’m sad for her, but since that tragedy has already happened, I’m just saying that I’m grateful that I think *since * it has happened, maybe Ch or others like him might wind up getting help.
33. That I have just heard from friend Jo.
34. That J wrote an e-mail about doggie and it had a nicer tone, and he even asked how the retreat was.
35. And I wrote back.
36. To both.
37. And now, it is Wednesday and I am back to finishing my 100 gratitudes a day. And I am grateful even for that!
38. I am very grateful that I’m just not feeling as hopeless as I was.
39. And that J. said he will “listen” if I have an idea. (Now I need to come up with and idea!)
40. And that inside me, I’m beginning to heal a bit.
41. And that I have felt some peace.
42. And that yesterday I got to hear my piano teacher play the piece I’m working on, and hear how it should sound.
43. And that it’s so beautiful.
44. July 25’s For Today: “The fairest harmony springs from discord.” Aristotle
45. And it says: “It took the twelve-step program to teach me to simply endure, to go straight through a difficult, discordant time without yielding to the urge to escape into the food or to yell for somebody to ‘fix’ it.” Wow. That’s encouraging.
46. And: “My rewards are many: new strengths and capabilities, the peace that comes with acceptance of what is and the joy of knowing I am free.”
47. And “For today: As I practice acceptance of life’s discords, life turns around and gives me harmony.”
48. And this beautiful thing. July 26 For Today: “That is the happiest conversation where there is no competition, no vanity, but a calm, quiet interchange of sentiments.” Samuel Johnson. And that’s like what J. and I had Thursday.
49. And it says, “Even the most competitive people eventually find that there is no need to impress anyone, to prove that they are better than anyone else.” And that is what I want to take over me and J. and I would have *no more * sibling-like competitiveness, please God.
50. “Even the most competitive people eventually find that there is no need to impress anyone, to prove that they are better than anyone else.” Oops – that is the 28th. Oh well. I’ll keep going anyway. I must have turned two pages.
51. Ah. The 26th. I need this too! “The comforts of material possessions do not make up for emotional and spiritual impoverishment. Being a product of this society, I tell myself that if I had this and that, I would feel better. So I get this and that, and I find that my purchasing power does indeed seem to reduce anxiety, but not for long. No matter what I do, it is nonly a distraction and I return again and again to myself.” Very big lesson here. All those times I felt like J. and I: If only we could do the ____room, or finish the ___room…
52. And it goes on to say: “When I am close to my Higher Power and the people I love, I am not aware of the car I drive
53. “the house I live in.
54. “I am not fighting temptation, nor am I wanting and wishing.
55. I am neither afraid nor overconfident.:
56. And “For today: When I am busy cultivating loving relationships, I can easily do without a surprising number of things.” I’m so saddened that I didn’t really know that internally sooner. But grateful to know it now.
57. And the 27th: “He who is being carried does not realize how far the town is.” Nigerian proverb “Dependency is soft and cushy and makes it unnecessary for me to know how far the town is. So, what’s the catch? The catch is that I can never grow past that stage of childhood in which I am an extension of my parents…
58. “I do not choose to stay on that treadmill today.
59. “The OA program of recovery is leading me out of the gilded cage of dependency toward the freedom of thinking for myself.”
60. July 24th voices of Recovery: “It is important to bear in mind that knowledge about ourselves and our nutritional needs is useless without the kind of help we find in OA, because we remain powerless to apply it.” OA 12 & 12 p. 23
61. “I have to remind myself of this every day. It is easy to see OA as another way of losing weight, a means of learning some more tricks.”
62. And now that I’m sponsoring someone, it is extremely important to read this too: “When sponsoring people, I also need to find a balance: a focus on what they have learned that day about themselves, food, and nutrition, and a focus on how a power greater than themselves is helping them get well. It’s about reminding myself that this is a three-fold program – physical, emotional, and spiritual.”
63. This is so important, and I need the help that it gives. July 25th Voices of Recovery: “We have what we need any time we are willing to let go of self-will and humbly ask for help.” OA 127 & 12 p. 27
64. “This seems to be the key to the program and to life: being able to let go of self-will and to reach out to a power greater than myself for help.”
65. “Self-will always seemed such a source of energy. Yet I couldn’t see that this type of energy resulted in a lot of restlessness. There is much more peace in doing the things my Higher Power wants me to do.”
66. “And, to my surprise, this doesn’t mean things don’t get done. I still do the laundry, have a job, cook a healthy meal. It’s just my frame of mind that has changed.”
67. Wow. This is huge. And was at first hard to accept. But I see it now and am grateful for that. Here it comes:
68. Voices of Recover July 26: “your commitment to abstinence from compulsive overeating is the most important thing in your life without exception!” From –Before You Take That First Compulsive Bite, Remember…
69. It says: “I read the first paragraph of this pamphlet every morning to remind myself of my priorities. Abstinence is more important than anything else. I apply it in all areas. Abstinence is a higher priority than my family. Without it, I’m no good to my family anyway.” This is so true. I am in a fog, a daze, a state of “need” and of anger and of disappointment and of restlessness and of emotional lability when I am not abstinent. And lack of control over my emotions and how I react to them. Terrible. I do *NOT * want that back!
70. And it goes on to say, “Abstinence is a higher priority than my work. If I’m not abstinent, then my work isn’t going to go as well.
71. “I can make all the money I want, but if I don’t have abstinence, I’m never going to enjoy it.” So true. Not that I’ve made so much money, but even without having to worry about say, putting food on the table, I’ve always still worried when not abstinent.
72. “Abstinence helps me stay in the present.” And this is *very * important!
73. I am better able to develop that relationship with my Higher Power, and that’s what OA is all about.
74. I am grateful that I did write a thank-you to the people who did the retreat for us.
75. And July 27th Voices of Recovery: “We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step One. Good reminder! Especially after last night.
76. And it says: “As I was preparing my food one day, struggling to ‘get it right,’ ‘figure it out,’ and ‘control it,’ I recognized that ‘control is not one of the promises.’
77. I am, and always will be, powerless over my food,
78. my thinking,
79. and my life.
80. *”All my attempts at control have brought me to the same place over and over again – loss of control.” ! *
81. “That’s what all my days of dieting had been about. I was OA”s equivalent to a dry drunk.”
82. “There is a power, whom I choose to call God, that can restore me to sanity, sobriety, and abstinence.
83. “I cannot do that myself, any more than I can remove my character defects.
84. “Working the Twelve Steps is about learning to accept the gifts of willingness, surrender, sanity, serenity, and humility from my Higher Power.
85. “God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself so that I can carry that message to those still suffering.
86. “I can’t keep my program unless I give it away; I can’t give it away unless I accept it.” Wow.
87. That I just wrote to Mar about the Blessed Sacrament and when we can pray there.
88. June 24 In This Moment, but I turned to it by accident, thinking it was July 24, and I did really need to see it today. It is about self-care. “…CoDA has led me to understand that I need to focus on myself first. This does not mean that others, whom I love, will suffer. They’ll still love me. It means that I am better able to look after myself. Only then can I interact with my family with energy and enthusiasm.”
89. In This Moment July 21: “In This Moment, I’m in the right place. On a hot, steamy day in July, I walked to my first CoDA meeting. I was lonely and feeling a lot of pain. After getting a wrong address and walking six extra blocks, I finally found the building. The sign outside read, ‘This is the place.’ And it was the place where I found acceptance, safety, healthy behavior, friends, recovery, and hope.”
90. July 22 In This Moment: “In This Moment, I seek interdependence.’
91. “I’ve had my share of broken relationships. Not until I began attending CoDA was I able to see my part in the breakups.” I think I’ve read this one already, but I needed to see it again today anyway and am grateful I did.
92. July 24 In This Moment: “In This Moment, I am a recovering codependent.”
93. “I clearly see how I learned to be codependent in my childhood. I was shamed, neglected, invalidated, and forced to take on responsibilities too heavy for my age. Sometimes, people praised and complimented me for my codependent behavior! They couldn’t see that my ‘unselfish’ behavior was damaging.” This one too, I feel like I’ve read but I’m glad to be reading it again.
94. And it goes on to say: “Now, I am learning healthy new behaviors, communication skills, and ways to respond.
95. “I practice my skills by interacting with other recovering codependents. I get support and encouragement from the Fellowship.” Okay. And may that continue to be true for me.
96. July 25 In This Moment: “IN This Moment, I feel safe.” Wow. Nice.
97. And I have actually put “safe” on my feelings board for 2 or 3 days now, since the retreat. Wow. I am grateful for that!
98. “As a youngster, I was not allowed to cry, speak, or scream. I carried the burden of my parents’ truth. My childhood was not happy; it wasn’t a safe place to be.
99. “I was alone. I didn’t question. For years I kept the family secrets. I looked just fine on the outside, but inside I was a mess.
100. “Many years later, I found a safe place in CoDA meetings.
101. “I discovered people I could trust. . .
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