So maybe

So maybe he's not so sure.
I saw him two days ago at a gas station. He certainly didn't seem like he had any desire to be with me. But - he also seemed like someone who's trying but not there.
Maybe he thinks he's sure, but what he really needs is to just grow, himself.
Maybe one day there will be room and desire for me again.
My dr. and MA and some others think that may be the case.
In the meantime I *must * continue working on self.

Lately I have started to improve my looks.
When I was hysterical the other morning after he e-mailed that we should get together and talk a bit, O happened to call while I was hysterical and she said Do not call him! Hang on for 30 minutes and I'll be there.
And when she got there, and I love her for this honesty, she said, "This is what I was afraid of. You CANNOT let him see you looking like this. You cannot." And I said, "No. I know. I need to look better than this." And she said, "No. Not better than this. Good."
And the next day we went and I bought some clothes. I don't know why I so often deny myself having clothes and wear such old, misfitting, decrepit crap.
And I got my hair cut and colored, finally, about 6 weeks overdue.
And yesterday I got a bra fitting and brought bras that fit. First time ever.

So I've started to try and improve my looks.
I've started to exercise, although the last few days I haven't done:(
I do my spiritual program work stuff every day.
But I must get to more meetings and must read the Big Book. And must meditate daily.
I practice a little piano; I water my flowers. I try to get out of here. I try to be good to others.
I am really trying.
Really.

And if there is any hope for me, which I feel like there isn't, I think it has to be through this kind of daily footwork and at the same time turning it over to God and having faith and letting go.

God help me.
Please Father, help me.
Amen.