I am grateful:
1. That at one point last night I had a little relief
2. That this morning, after waking up HORRIBLY(!) and realizing I “have to water the fucking plants,” I went out to do it and it was wonderful. It helped me.
3. Doggie came too and liked it.
4. Good talk with Sponsor just now.
5. Remembering, MA, who has known me for over 20 years, said said I’m doing better than expected. She thought I’d be where I am now, like another 5 months from now.
6. And O, who knows me well too, said I’m doing better than expected in this amount of time and “progress is definitely being made. Definitely.”
7. Sp is feeling better. I’m glad.
8. Today’s For Today: “If an ass goes traveling, he’ll not come home a horse.” Thomas Fuller I get very tempted by geographical cures. I needed this sentence.
9. And it says: “Escapes simply compound addiction.”
10. And this, which I think I really needed to hear: “If I want abstinence, peace of mind, and physical wellbeing, what I need is to stay put, go to as many OA meetings as I can and ask for help.”
11. And this which is a biggy for me: “For today: God grant me the wisdom to understand my longings and the willingness to act in my own best interest.”
12. In today’s Voices of Recovery: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Serenity Prayer. I have never understood the importance of this prayer. Don’t even like it. But it *must be * important since we say it *all the time. * I wonder if I hate it because I don’t want to accept certain things. Grateful for the thought. And the reminder of the importance of this prayer.
13. And it says…many years…”What an awakening for me one day as I said the prayer, hand in hand with my OA friends, and finally understood its simple message.” That helps me have hope that I will get it one day too.
14. And it says, “Until then I had believed that I had to decide, with God’s help, which of the people, places, and things in my life would benefit most from my interference. I now know that I am powerless over all of them.”
15. And “It is very simple. There is no decision to be made on my part. The things I cannot change are all the things outside of myself.”
16. “The only thing I can change is myself.”
17. “When I say the prayer, I am asking for the willingness to accept everything and the courage to change only myself.”
18. And “Only with the acceptance of this simple fact comes the serenity I seek.” Only with the acceptance of the simple fact that I can only change myself. Wow. God, I hate that. But I need to remember it. And I will come to not hate it. I need/want the serenity. If that is the only way, then that is what I shall work on.
19. And the acceptance stuff on 417 also, I guess. But it feels so complicated. I am grateful that people with recovery say it is simple. (Not easy, but simple).
20. Playing with the dog. Thank goodness she sometimes needs me to. I do *not * want to. But I need to. And I do it for *her * but it is good for *me. * (Like all service, my sponsor would say).
21. I am grateful that I put the laundry in. I literally don’t have anything to wear. Not even one clean pair of underwear. Will in an hour: )
22. I am grateful that although I can’t do all I have to do, I can do the minimum. Like I really should get that computer fixed and that washer. But it’s not like I got to the point where I don’t have a computer or a washer. Like that.
23. Today’s In This Moment says: “I don’t like change! Fro me, it’s equivalent to surrender, something I don’t want to do.”
24. “When I finally receive the willingness to surrender, I feel free.”
25. “Is it the rebelioous child within, or my adult rigidity, that keeps me stuck in the problem?
26. “When I remember that acceptance is the answer, I move faster into surrender.”
:I realize the only things over which I have any control are what I think and what I do.”
27. “Daily prayers for the ‘knowledge of God’s will . . .and the power to carry that out’ help me realize that the only certainly in life is change.”
28. “Why would I want to clutter my day with resistance?”
29. “when I am open-minded, ready to listen, and wiling to go to any lengths, the solution appears.”
30. There is a theme in the books today. And I needed it.
31. Today’s Language of Letting Go: Survivor Guilt. I almost went ahead and read it yesterday when I saw that title. I’m pretty sure I have it from my mother and her illness and from my father’s death so I’m grateful to read about it here even though in a different context.
32. “We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves.” Just that promise means something to me!
33. “Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.” Another promise I’m grateful to hear.
34. “Then it hits. Guilt.” I wonder if I’ve even had this regarding J. Yes. Hmm.
35. “Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we’ve left behind – those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.” I know I have it, but I did not know it is a symptom of codependency.
36. “We may get a phone call…And we feel pulled into their pain.”
37. And then it says, “How can we feel so happy so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and lead satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes, we can.” Wow.
38. And “Other people’s recovery is not our job.” Boy, do I need to hear that.
39. And “We cannot make them recover.”
40. And “We cannot make them happy.”
41. And I think that also means someone else cannot do it for us either.
42. “The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.”
43. Ouch ouch ouch: “We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.” I’m afraid that’s what J. is doing with me. But according to this, he should be. And:
44. “Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.” TODAY I AM WILLING TO WORK THROUGH MY SADNESS AND GUILT. Okay. Good. Will do. Glad to read it.
45. I am thankful for K and the beautiful way she prays.
46. And for the woman decades ago but I still remember, who prayed so beautifully and I told her I could never do that so well and she said to me, “I may say all these flowery words and you may say a simple Hail Mary. But who says God won’t hear your heart before He hears my mouth.”
47. That I finally just did 10 minutes of work on Step Eight. Wow. Intense. But so glad did it.
48. That something has opened in my heart just by starting Step Eight. Wow.
49. That I just meditated (which is when I realized about he opening).
50. I’m grateful that I’ll be going to the gym today.
51. And with O coming too!
52. And that I got to take my mother to the bank.
53. And I deposited those OA checks I had to take care of while there : )
54. And that I got to take her shopping.
55. And did my shopping while there.
56. And that she gave me money for gas, which she absolutely didn’t need to do! But it was so nice.
57. And that on the way back, thinking about gratitudes, I noticed some cheerful flowers!
58. And I am grateful for the things I bought. Really. Each of them. I’m grateful for the peppers
59. And the olives
60. And the plums
61. And the orange juice
62. And the lettuces
63. And the magazines even, too.
64. And the bright pink carnations for only 4 dollars; I save more than that by making my own hummus!
65. I am grateful that O came to the gym with me!
66. And she joined!
67. And I exercised: )
68. And then she said she’d be off all day so let’s have some fun.
69. And we had lunch
70. And we picked up doggie and went to park
71. And had a great time
72. Now I’m going to go to a meeting
73. And doggie in stealth mode trying to chase squirrel – so cute
74. And running all around tiring herself out
75. And us seeing the swan fly
76. And walking in the shade under the canopy
77. I’m so glad she is my friend
78. I’m grateful that I went to the meeting
79. And that the people, who haven’t seen me in so long, were so happy to see me
80. And that J called about something about my mother, but the few minutes talk we had gave me such a good feeling
81. And that it wasn’t even dark out yet when I drove home
82. And that I’m about to have a great dinner with protein, fat, veggies and whole grain, yay
83. And that I’m drinking my water
84. And although I’m starting to do more on the exercise bike, I’m also already going at higher RPMs
85. I’m grateful that we read Step Seven, which I didn’t want to because we just read it the other day too, but I learned from it!
86. I’m grateful for hope.
87. I’m so grateful that I got a *beautiful * e-mail from B today.
88. And that dinner *was * delicious!
89. And healthy.
90. And that I’ve been abstinent today all day.
91. For this story, which beautiful L sent me in an e-mail today:
"An old Cherokee grandfather was telling his grandchildren a story. He said, there are two wolves inside each of us. One is good, and one is evil. They are constantly fighting each other. The children asked him, which one wins? And the grandfather replied, whichever one you feed wins." Wow wow wow could I use that, and I’m so grateful that she sent it!
92. And she said maybe I’d like to put my negative wolf on a diet too. Brilliant. And I would. And I will continue working on that.
93. That after her scary fireworks-heard-from-inside night, doggie was running around the park today like a happy little maniac. I’m happy for her.
94. That they don’t hold onto things like some of us do. I like that I am beginning to see that lesson now.
95. This thought from a friend: Thought for the day: We live in a garden of delight and we are surrounded by immense beauty. All we need to do is to truly open our eyes and hearts, to what is within us, in order to see what is around us.
96. I am grateful that last night I had some moments of relief after a very hard day.
97. I am so grateful for my health.
98. And that I can walk.
99. And the safe beautiful park right near my house.
100. And that I shall sleep in the bed with doggie tonight. Soon I should let hubby have her for a bit, of course, but tonight is tonight and that’s great right now: )
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