Somewhere I'm Miserable and Somewhere There's Hope - includes Grats and Dear God

Hard evening last night.
Then about an hour of relief. But it wasn't necessarily healthy. Lying on couch watching Two and a Half Men. But not miserable anyway.
Then the misery returned.

Slept. Woke up miserable, sad, scared.

But have already done like 3 hours of useful stuff.
Fixed up and sent recipes she'd asked for to a colleague.
One load of laundry, and hung up and put away.
Put away towels and socks and undies and blanket still hadn't put away from laundry last week.
Made pot of greens/beans/pasta.
Loaded dishwasher.

Need to keep going.

Don't really want to.

Partly, I just hate my life.
Partly, I don't know what is to come. Maybe some wonderful things.
And - there are moments when I feel okay or even good.
Plus - if I'm alive, things need to get done and feel better when they are done.
And - if I live some years or many years, I'd rather be healthy and able than not.

So,
I am TIRED! Tired of waiting for better times while I plug away.

But,
I am also grateful.
Among other things, for these:

1. My thumb is ok right now
2. I do my physical therapy exercises every day
3. Healthy food in fridge
4. Great pear I had after coffee this am
5. That I am breathing.
6. Claritan - generic and cheaper
7. Hope
8. My hands that work
9. Clean clothes for the week ahead
10. Freshly cut and colored hair
11. Friends
12. Ability to drive
13. Gorgeous breezes yesterday
14. Time with mother yesterday
15. Expect more time with her today
16. CoDA meeting today
17. OA meeting today
18. MIGHT have time either with best friend and/or doggie today.
19. Funny children
20. Every minute I've had with J.
21. Every minute I've had with his family.
22. Starting to become stronger.
23. Not as phobic as I used to be.
24. God in my life.

Dear God,
I praise you and only you.
I am sorry for the way I have not taken care of my body.
I am sorry that my - fear? laziness? insecurities? messed-up upbringing? - have allowed me to not have/keep a nice home.
I am sorry that I ruined my relationship.
I am sorry for all stubbornness and all defensiveness and all inabilities to listen that I've ever had.
And all judgmentalism.
And every time in my life that I've gossiped or listened.
Okay, before this turns into a step four, I am contrite, dear Lord.
Thank you for all my blessings, including those listed above.
I ask you, I implore you, dear Father: Please help J to find fulfillment in his own life. And please help me to feel better. And please heal our marriage.
I say all of this through Jesus Christ our Lord,
Amen.

St Jude,
Most holy apostle, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honoureth and invoketh thee universallly, as the patron of hopeless cases, and of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, who am so miserable. Make use, I implore thee, of that particular privilege accorded to thee, to bring visible and speedy help where help was almost despaired of. Come to mine assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolation and succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly in the restoration of my marriage with J, and that I may praise God with thee and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise thee, O blessed Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favour, to always honour thee as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to thee. Amen.