So

Yesterday I got up and did cooking and laundry.
Went to OA.
Visited friend. We had plans to read together - I have to do some reading for work and can't get myself to do it here. But she talked the whole time. I love her. But I needed to read and we had agreed on that.
Anyway, then visited mother.
Then mother had a panic about something and I had to run back there. It was unsettled for my feelings for her suffering, and also for realizing I grew up with that and last, for realizing I did that to J a million times. Ugh.
Then I met friend for a quick bite, her treat.
Then CoDA.
I tried to do all the right things.
Started the morning praying too.

Woke up with hole in my stomach again.
So miserable.
Today I will pray, eat well and track it, do my work well, look as good as can.
But when will I feel any better?

I am so tired of waiting.
Growing up with a schizophrenic mother was so much waiting. Going school, doing my work, having friends, boyfriend...but waiting to get the hell out of the crazy house someday.
I have spent a lot of years - a lot of years - waiting for J to be okay. Waiting for the house to be okay. Etc. Working hard and waiting.
Now I am working hard and waiting to feel okay.

Is my whole life just for waiting?
Why can't I feel okay?

Shit.