Changes

So I don't want to need OA or CoDA.
And I don't want any of this situation with hubby.
And I don't want my weaknesses.

But they all exist.
And I *have* been going to OA and am currently working Step Eight with a sponsor.
And I *have* been going to CoDA and am currently working Step Two with a sponsor.

And despite how bad it still is and how bad I still feel, here are some changes in the last year and a half (of OA; CoDA is much more recent).

*Although I wake up with the pit in my stomach, a few days recently I haven't, or it hasn't been as deep.
*I am able to get out of it more quickly.
*I more naturally turn to prayer throughout the day.
*I shower and look and smell nice every day, hair, a little makeup, clothes, shoes.
*I am eating better.
*I've lost a few pounds.
*I move more and have even been to the gym a bunch.
*I have come to love driving on highways. Never did before. It was never a problem, except for about 2 1/2 months of PTSS after an accident, but I never loved it. Always would just rather be there than get there. Now I really enjoy it. Find it freeing. Finally understand how others, like J feel that way.
*My phobias are lesser.
*I am sometimes - some little times - okay alone.
***I do not want to kill myself or die. I want to take care of myself.
*I have some hope for my future.
*I am not looking to defend myself to J, or to force him into anything. But to accept his rights as a human being God made too.

These are big changes, and I thought I should document them here.