CoDA Work Today

I feel: Omg I wonder what the hell will come up.
As I am shaky, cold, blurry-dizzy. Still! And weight is dropping off a little even though I AM eating.

Okay, here goes.

omg so many - it took so long
ok
here

I feel:

hateful, incompetent, burdened, apprehensive, shaky, discouraged, thankful, lost, unstable in terms of financial security,exhausted, terrified, terrible, limited, furious, empty of abilities to help self here, deflated, lousy because of all this crap, undervalued, uneasy, blue and have been crying a lot today, angry at that fuck, disturbed by the thought of losing so much when i've done more than i've even shared here - and been through more than i've even shared here - yet, bothered obviously, desolate, absurd for not having had it even cross my mind that maybe he was planning this and letting that clock tick for the last two years, belittle by being treated this way, low, desperate financially, ignored by the shit even though he was supposed to teach me this week how to do the bills online - although he has now said he will do it sat., perplexed by it all and how it could happen,

uncertain about my own future ***this one is VERY DANGEROUS for the child of a schizophrenic mother, who therefore grew up with a deep-rooted internal belief that her (my) actions COULD NOT affect her environment. and now, having spent decades on something, to possibly lose it all SO reinforces that. I'm SO SCARED!

helpless in a way, on my own at least - but not as much with the lawyer on board. God, I hope himself will see how generous I am prepared to be and just fucking SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ACCEPT IT AND GET THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE!

opposite of energized - if there were a word, it would be de-energized
clueless as to what the fuck to do - glad don't have to know; lawyer does
hopeful, somewhere but little and buried deep inside, a little bit hopeful
irritated beyond fucking words
estranged from the man who used to put my needs first - he doesn't even exist anymore - at this point, i don't NEED a man to put my needs first - but i am sickthefuck of being abused and used
aggravateed, distrubed, unappreciated as who i am
ashamed of having been so trusting and naive
uncooperative, somewhat reflective, miserable
and yet a teeny tiny bit cheerful as of when i used the magnets - not this minute
PANICKY
envious of EVERYONE who has handles their life better than i

Blessed. Still know I'm blessed in a million ways.

cheapened by that using piece of shit
amorous toward L
irritable (can you tell:)
somewhat brave
supported by the lawyer
free in a way, just not financially
sacred, I think, because God did make me, right?

i see that i chose the word renewed this am before i got through all these chosen words, with the major crying jag in between while trying to meditate, but i don't know why

ill - dizzy, blurry, wobbly

whole in a way. shitty, but whole.

stuck in his fucking web
and enraged
powerful with my lawyer on my side, a little

wounded - how could he have done ANY of this to me?
baffled about it all, especially the money stuff
hindered by my own fucking self and stupidity

PANICKY!!!!
Like, scared for my own sanity over all of this:(

Insecure, abused, unsafe

anxious, bewildered, shocked,
threatened, toppled, worried
frightened

swamped (report cards - during all this?!)

vulnerable, afraid

welcoming - of SOME things in future
and trying to live in this moment

distressed, broken

unloved, even by M - i mean, i know she loves me in a way, but she is also EVER conscious of keeping people around who can help her...

JITTERY - ***This is the most noticeable, biggest feeling. Amazingly, shakingly jittery!

fearful. So Fearful.

impotent
overwhelmed
intimidated by the son of a bitch

Welcomed by some people

Powerless in the most important and positive way. Giving it all to God. I mean, taking every action I can, but giving it all to God.

Sensual. Thank you, L. I feel like a woman again. I would never be so stupid as to sleep with someone or anything like that! I just like feeling desirable.

Secure in a little way, like the universe is taking care of me. I have my breath, I have my practice (Buddhism)

Willing to do whatever I have to do. And kind of believing I can, with the help of God.

Dreadful overall. Really nervous about this feeling for so many days.

And fortunate
And finally: Grateful. Yes grateful for so much.

--

Five Good Things about Me

1. I AM strong. I AM. (right?)
2. There is a man who finds me desirable right now.
3. I am a very spiritual person, and that's nice.
4. I don't eat animals or their parts
5. I am smart enough.

Phew.