My 100 Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Nightgowns
2. L.
3. Sponsor
4. That I just spoke with sponsor
5. And figured out, that although I *do not want to do my program in London! * I have to
6. In fact, the not wanting to do it is evidence of the importance of/the need for me doing it
7. And – it’s like this: will I not have the disorder in London? Duh!
8. Those sweet beers that taste to me like fruity wine.
9. And maybe I’ll get a few and leave them at L’s to enjoy while he drinks India Pale Ale this season
10. Or next! Wow!
11. Gonna get all done today that I must. Will. Yes.
12. Will do for my mother today, as cannot next weekend
13. So glad will be with L tomorrow
14. And out to dinner with his family members tomorrow evening!
15. And sleeping over tomorrow night – oh bliss
16. Had lovely talk with M this am
17. And with L – first ever first thing in the morning (except the two times irl when I stayed over)
18. And last night, on phone, he was SO romantic! Omg!
19. DOING grats.
20. Also did 113 about him, as said I would after Sun. Maybe should post them too.
21. French lessons! I love my French lessons!
22. Talked with O. yesterday. Told each other we love each other. So nice.
23. And both of us are in a kind of good place.
24. Little Ji, made an amazing picture – I feel like I’ve already said this in grats but maybe not? She is quite an artist and it may wind up helping to save her (autistic)!
25. And it, that picture, became the source of our first real conversation, and initiated by her no less! I’ve waiting through the silent years a long time, she being just a month under 7 ½ years old.
26. I asked M, her mother, to take a photo of it so I could print that photo at school, in color, and bring home and frame and put up.
27. M said, “I’ll just bring you the picture.”
28. “No!” I said. It’s her favorite she’s ever made. You CAN’T take it!”
29. So M asked her if she could just take it to school for one day to make a copy for me.
30. “NO! IT’S MINE!” yelled Ji. “Just for one day, Honey.” I’ll bring it back.” “NO! IT’S MINE!” “Okay.”
31. ***Later, at bedtime, Ji, of her own violation, brought the picture in to M and said, “Here. Give this to Auntie Lynn. And tell her I love her.”
32. OMG! I am going to buy a frame, and hang it *in my living room! *
33. Kisses. At long last, kisses. And the best ones I’ve ever had no less.
34. No longer do I feel, “The thought of kissing anyone other than J is vomitous.”
35. In fact, now I feel, “The thought of kissing J. is vomitous.”
36. My sponsor told me this morning that I sound so normal and sane.
37. And that is after TWO coffees!
38. And M. had said earlier, like as soon as I’d picked up the phone, “Oh. You sound so calm.” Wonderful!
39. A few more days til London!!!! I’m SO excited!!!!
40. The people at work have NOT been gossiping about me. I’m so glad. Years ago it was so different. Even when I needed – necessary – needed surgery, and planned it as much as possible to use as much vacation time as I could, they gossiped! They used to gossip about everything. Bad. But the place has changed! Yay!
41. I’m grateful that I love my principal.
42. And my superintendent of schools.
43. And my students, of course.
44. And that L. is such an amazing teacher! The world needs that. Needs him.
45. And that I was able to tell the sort of higher up but friend with whom I was supposed to meet after school yesterday, that having filed for divorce the evening before, I was fine and the kids were fine and I *was * doing right by them, but that as the day went on, I was feeling more and more like I was trying to breathe through thick pea soup, and could we meet Monday instead.!
46. And she said yes. Phew.
47. And just the fact that *I filed for divorce. * Wow.
48. It’s certainly a mixed bag. I mean, I would have bet my – anything – that I could *NEVER * divorce him. And here *I * filed! And it hurts. It’s mixed up inside. But mostly it’s good. And I’m so grateful for that.
49. I’m so grateful that I had the courage to do it.
50. And a great lawyer to help me.
51. And that it’s not that I wanted this situation, by any means. But he did. And so it happened TO me. But at least, after moving through these what-I-now-see-as-stages-of-grief, I am able to accept. AND MAKE WONDERFUL out of it.
52. That I KNOW I am better off now!
53. This: That a college student in one of his classes said this to L. The class said, can’t we take a break and hear about your weekend with Lynn? That’s cute.
54. He knows they are struggling with this higher level of geometry, so he indulged for a moment. He said, “Well, I saw Lynn this weekend, and she is lovely and we had a very nice time.”
55. And a girl in the class actually said, “Did she cover your area?”
56. And he replied, “Did you mean that as a double entendre?”
57. And she said, “Yes but you didn’t fall for the trapezoid.” Cute. (Of course he would not have been inappropriate. So this ended up cutely: )
58. My legs. That they move.
59. And that they’re kind of pretty anyway.
60. That I am walking about more with a feeling that I’m an attractive woman. That’s so wonderful! I remember when I always knew it. And then, haven’t felt it even remotely for SO LONG.
61. And to feel it again, thanks to L and to all my hard work, is so wonderful.
62. I have a plan for my schedule after London, that I THINK might actually work.
63. And then soon it will be summer!
64. And I will be off from work.
65. I miss doggie SO MUCH. But at least I know she’s happy there.
66. Therapist.
67. Phone therapist, with whom I STILL have that 30 minute phone call coming. I think I shall take it upon my return from London.
68. Was that *I * who was just able to say that?!
69. The help and support and love I have received here!
70. Weekend!
71. Broccoli rabe
72. Broccoli
73. Spinach
74. Collards
75. Kale salad!
76. Mixed baby greens salad
77. The way I am eating better lately
78. And losing weight
79. God in my life.
80. Buddha
81. Thich Nhat Hahn
82. M bought me a suitcase!
83. And gave me a carry-on bag!
84. To keep!
85. And is being so supportive about this whole trip!
86. I was able to play with her other little one, Je, the other night.
87. And we shared music together.
88. And she was happy
89. And so was I.
90. Wonderful dark chocolate the other day.
91. That I have this job.
92. That I have my car.
93. That I am capable of cleaning. I don’t like doing it. I avoid it. I don’t WANT to do it. But I am so grateful that I CAN. If I were disabled to the point that I couldn’t, I would feel that I’d “give anything” just to function again.
94. The truth is, J was probably NEVER sure about me. And it’s time that I face that now. And be okay with it.
95. That I DON’T want to kill myself.
96. And I don’t want to die.
97. I do want to live. I want to live.
98. And to enjoy this day.
99. Prayer
100. Reiki
101. Spirituality