I am feeling:
Jealous.
Insecure.
Stupid.
Worthless.
Like a failure.
Because I am jealous that L is so close with his former lover J, and actually TOLD HER TODAY that *I* have one thing I'd still like to learn about him: how to please him in bed.
What?!
SHE needs to know this?
Now they were lovers ending like 13 years ago. And they're very good friends, including with her 8-year-lover now. And *I'm* becoming friends with her. We like each other very much!
But I can't figure out:
Am I just jealous? Then *I* need to work this out.
But - WAS IT appropriate for him to let her know that although I've slept there twice, he still hasn't, you know.
I mean, I ASSUME she used to please him. He was 17 years younger when they started! And he is so close to her. It's weird to me. He said just today how fondly he remembers those years together (and I know she was the one who left him, and he couldn't even speak to her for a year, he was so hurt).
But it is a beautiful thing, that he is close to literally every woman he's had a relationship with. Much better than bitterness...
I guess, I WANT to say to him,
Hey! Smart man! How the fuck are you so clueless?
How would you feel if I said to my former husband J: L can't get it up and it makes him feel bad.
How would you feel?
But I can't say that because of the male ego and the little thing will likely NEVER come up if I do.
Also:
It was private. It was ours.
Why is my sex life with him her business?
Or is he just that much more open and honest than I?
He was surprised that I was distressed and I think he was disappointed because he felt my reaction was big for such a nothing. And I'm sure it was.
But this is hitting SOMETHING...
I just want to be carefree!
5 Good Things about Me:
Um. There are none?
Okay. I'll try.
1. I have a nice smile.
2. I am spiritually deep.
3. I do try to improve myself.
4. People tell me I'm very funny.
5. I think - I hope - I am a good friend to my girlfriends.
Okay, I'm confused AND distressed as well. You said he said that YOU have to learn how to please him in bed? Did I read that right? Is the implication that YOU are the problem? If so, ding ding ding bells are going off, and they aren't the good kind.
ReplyDeleteBut secondly, yes, I have to concur it is mighty strange for him to talk to her about your intimate details. Were you there when he told her that or did he tell you after the fact? Something is just really off about that. I mean, I can see talking to my very best friend about that, privately, for insight and counsel. BUT, I cannot imagine then telling my lover I told me best friend. You know? I don't know. Off.
And of course you're jealous. It's way too early in the relationship for you to have solid enough footing for something like this. Especially given your past. So don't over-fret about that.
Grrr. Men.