I am grateful:
1. Life
2. Breath
3. Voice
4. L’s patience the other night
5. And the amazing multiple orgasms he gave me last night. Oh my God, I have never…
6. And he finally came, today. Yay!!!!
7. And his kisses
8. And our caresses
9. And that he lay on me and cried over music that was playing. And I was holding him and whispering sweet nothings.
10. Last night, 3 couples out together!
11. I had always wanted that kind of thing with J. It seems that so much of what I had with J. was not really adult at all anyway. And I’m glad to know that now.
12. And the other two couples were L’s cousins and spouses. And I love that.
13. And I like each of them very much.
14. And they all embraced me.
15. As have S and Jo.
16. So that means all the people I’ve met, who love L, have embraced me.
17. And I have a strong strong feeling he feels that too.
18. And he told me that S keeps giving him advice. Like, “Make sure you help her put on her coat.” “And hold the door for her.” ..
19. I have tasted him. And I love what I have tasted. I wonder if it’s because he’s a near vegan. So his body is not processing meat and dairy…which converts into like an ammonia… … …
20. And I gave him my timer. And I’m so glad I did.
21. And he was so happy about that. Delighted. And even said, “Oh. I’ll *cherish * this!
22. And like the little-boy-nerd that this all-man-brilliant-one is, he cried out, “It has a magnet?!”
23. I went to the OA meeting this morning.
24. Went straight from L’s (which is an hour away) to the meeting (which is another 20 – 25 minutes past home.
25. I’m so glad that my ride out there went safely.
26. And my ride back.
27. And that that lovely man helped me when I missed my bridge.
28. And that I made it to the OA meeting safely too.
29. And back. Especially so tired, and with glasses broken…
30. And now it is Monday. Oh my goodness, in a few days I will be with Thich Nhat Hahn!
31. I will be driven to the airport.
32. I will be on a plane. Just me, my book, my meditation, my smile, and some hundreds of other people lol
33. And I’ll be driven to my hotel in London.
34. And it’ll be a nice hotel.
35. And I’ll have a private bathroom!
36. That I did some banking last Saturday (two days ago).
37. That I will get the garbage out tonight.
38. And my neighbor will take my mail.
39. And I will learn things about multi-cultural, ethical education, that I can bring back to my beloved district!
40. And then I shall do some sightseeing! In London! Yay!
41. And then. And then my Louis will sleep over here the day after I come back.
42. I am grateful that * I * filed for divorce. Instead of waiting for J. to do so.
43. I am so so grateful that I was ready. And could do that.
44. I am even grateful for the trying-to-breathe-through-thick-pea-soup the next day. This backlash was, I believe, normal.
45. And for the very unpleasant dreams last night of J. admitting he never loved me and the last time he thought he did was almost 20 years ago. And me following him around 12-step classrooms. All of it, though unpleasant, was my mind’s creative way of dealing.
46. L’s kisses. I had no idea anyone could kiss this way. So varied. So sensuous. I am really enjoying these!
47. And that he so enjoys my responses.
48. And on the way to work this morning I will listen to Shostokovich.
49. Daily Om
50. Notes to the Universe. I no longer get “Notes,” and don’t usually read Om, which M had signed me up for, but I’m grateful for both.
51. Every person who tries to do his/her part to help or not injure other human and non-human animals.
52. That Martin Luther King nominated Thich Nhat Hahn for a Nobel Peace Prize.
53. That I have that gorgeous picture of L on my laptop, and can look at it like right now, as I type.
54. Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz (whose picture I also see now, as I’d downloaded it for a student).
55. That we used to watch that yearly when it came on, when I was a child. Now it tends to come on around Thanksgiving. Back then it was on around Easter.
56. The night J and I and our couple-friends Jo and K, rented it at the video store. Even though it was being shown on tv that very evening! Because that way we were able to watch it at our tempo, after dinner, when it suited us, and stop it for getting drinks etc.
57. Pretty shoes.
58. That many of mine are flats or near flats, as L. is not tall.
59. The adorable gold-and-white shih tzu I got to spend a little time with Sat. evening!
60. And he did not want to come up on my lap, but made it abundantly clear that he will quite love me if he leans against me and I rub behind his cute little ears. So sweet. I was happy to oblige, of course.
61. Reiki. Oh my God, I am so grateful for Reiki. It is better than magic in my hands.
62. And that I was able to give Reiki energy to L.
63. So grateful that he asked for it.
64. And although the *situation * wasn’t ideal, as it is more difficult to give Reiki on a bed (than on a Reiki table) because of the reaching, and the moving around, and the discomfort in positions for the giver, my intention was absolute.
65. I am grateful that I had such pure intention.
66. And that it worked. What power to help, lies in the practice of Reiki!
67. All *I * knew was that my intention was strong and pure,
68. And that I really tried,
69. And that it felt sacred to me,
70. And I *so * wanted his headache to go away.
71. And that *I * was becoming more and more uncomfortable, although I wasn’t quite sure why. Yes, I am grateful for that.
72. Because as it turned out, I am, as I’d known before, highly capable regarding giving/sharing Reiki energy.
73. L’s headache went away.
74. And he said other things were released from him as well. He felt them being released!
75. I am so grateful for this sacred time/ experience we were able to share.
76. And for the reminder to myself that next time, * no matter how tired and depleted I feel, * I *MUST * get up and go wash my hands, clear my aura, whatever! So I don’t keep it in me.
77. Because I am absolutely depleted. I think it is these things:
*sexually depleted. I’m sorry to say it that way, but I am. (And not unhappy about being so!)
*emotionally near-depleted. From my own problems of fear of rejection and abandonment and hurt, through which I am still working.
*physically depleted because I get neither enough nor good enough sleep when I’m there. Neither here at this time, for that matter.
*and physically depleted due to this dehydration I experience when I’m there. Which I think is a combination of the heat and dryness of his house, and the heat and dryness of the Biomat on which he sleeps, and the wine (not that I have a lot, but I’m not used to drinking) and the less-water-drinking. The latter I can/should/will change. And that I eat less. I just have so little interest in food. But – as a compulsive overeater,
*somehow there’s a physical way in which he has entered my cells. I’m not kidding. And I’m aware that I may sound either new-age-insane-crazy or just weired, but this is really true. I am a very attuned sort of person. Have had two MAJOR psychic experiences (which were absolutely proven virtually immediately.) Anyway, something about our sexual encounter this weekend. Forgive if this sounds rude. But I am writing it on my blog and this is my safe space to be totally 100% myself. The swallowing of his ejaculation, the intense almost unbelievable draining multiple orgasms he gave me, the kisses kisses kisses, the endless caresses of sweetness, of romance, or warmth, of comforting, of sexuality – all of those and more, and the scents and tastes of our sex have – invaded doesn’t sound right it sounds violent – um – permeated that’s better – all those things, that have permeated my being, my senses, my skin, my mouth, my body and soul. Him laying atop me sobbing while his favorite emotionally deep music was playing. All of it. So heady. So enrapturing. So encompassing. So right for me and my nature. So opposite of being called, “too dramatic,” by J. Yet so energy-costly.
Anyway, because I am so energy-depleted, I am especially grateful for the opportunity to experience such intensity!
78. And not be criticized for it.
79. And coffee – a cup +, this morning lol
80. And that it DID work to wake me!
81. And that I did nap yesterday
82. And did get sleep last night. SO needed
83. And that I think I’m ready to tell everyone I’m seeing him. Let the parents and children find out I’m going through a divorce. Who cares? I am FREE! (and yes, I checked with my lawyer who says it will cost me nothing!)
84. No more secrets!!!!!!!! I will have nothing to hide from anyone. Almost fully. And as soon as tell my mother (SOON!), absolutely fully!
85. WATER!!!!!!!! I am still uncomfortably dehydrated. And SO appreciate that I am one of the so-fortunate people who have access to plenty of fresh, clean drinking water.
86. I *think * I’m grateful that L. has a pool. I mean, I’m nervous about the bathing suit situation and the can’t-swim situation. But I THINK we’ll be able to have some time there that MIGHT be fun this summer??
87. Because I am with someone who experiences things this way too.
88. ***But is also able to laugh
89. To be absurd
90. And lighthearted
91. To look at art books, "Look-Alikes-Joan-Steiner", where you find the hidden shapes in the pictures – but not one of the children’s ones only: )
92. And to be totally appropriate socially
93. And who listens so well.
94. That he’s giving me his phones to upgrade my system.
95. That I gave him my special timer. And he’s so grateful. And he will appreciate it so much.
96. Tomorrow I shall try to write 100 gratitudes *without * mentioning L. This will be difficult, but I think it will be good for me.
97. That I’m going to order a blooming tea pot to replace the gift-one I’d had, which broke.
98. That I just did order a timer to replace the one I gave L.
99. And his is black and mine is white
100. That he has nice relationship with his neighbors.
101. And this is opening ME to WANTING the open kind of life he has! Which I have ALWAYS wanted. And USED TO have. And CAN again.
102. Sorry to put another something so personal here, but I must go give myself a really good scrubbing and extra tooth brushing…still can’t “shake” the himness throughout me physically. And it makes me grateful for his taste. As a scientist, he told me that when people process meat they’ve eaten, it turns into an ammonia-like substance. This explains to me why so many women feel that the taste of men’s ejaculations is like chlorine. And I have experienced this too. But his is – clean. Like the difference between his quadruple filtered, oxygenated, other-stuff-I-can’t-remember drinking water, vs plain tap water. Or smoggy air vs. pure air. His ejaculate tasted pure. I’m grateful for that.
103. And of course, for God.
104. And for the miracles of Program in my life.
105. Oh my God, I dreamt last night, that I had a baby and was caring for my baby. Oh. That was nice.
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