My One Hundred Gratitudes Today

I am grateful:

1. Great session with dr. yesterday
2. In clean house!
3. One of the French tutors will work out, I think (cheap or not at all. I have figured out what to give up for it, and I do believe it will work out.)
4. Look at the things I’m looking forward to possibly doing! French
5. Piano recital
6. And I’ve had my piano tuned
7. Russia at O’s next summer if I can save the money!
8. Scrimping and saving more money, like I used to.
9. A get-together at my house within a few months – like a housewarming for me – no presents(!) – just warming the house without J here, you know
10. I will be helping a friend a lot in the upcoming times, with something very important and very difficult that she’s going through. I am sworn to secrecy for now, so that’s all I can say. But I’m so grateful that I’m not in the shape I was in last year, so I can help more.
11. I did the right things yesterday, regarding my mother and her current hospitalization (5th in a year).
12. But I acted like a grown-up
13. And I do, almost all the time now!
14. I told my dear dear Tr about my situation. After the phone call about my mother, she was so dear and put her arms around me (no one was around, of course), and she said, “Oh it’s so hard when you don’t have the support of family (meaning my sister) and I blurted out with a *sob *, “It’s more that that! You can’t tell ANYONE. No one but M knows this. J’s not living with me right now.” She was shocked and very sympathetic and I trust her and I’m so glad I told her.
15. And I’m so grateful for her.
16. The visitor came to teach a specialty health lesson, and I got to talk with the new aide for like 20 minutes about the students and their needs
17. And then visitors came to teach art for more than half and hour, and we got to finish all we needed to discuss! We are never allowed this time. And she works through lunch, etc. We haven’t even been able to get together on own time. So this was a gift and she feels much better able to help now after a few days with the kids and now my explanations and her questions and my answers and her observations… Yay.
18. And I’m grateful for the art lesson. They get a number a year. I‘ve never known anything about art. And everything I know now, I’ve learned from these elementary school lessons. These little kids are getting all that.
19. And – the retention level from this program is very high!
20. The amazing readaloud I did for the two classes yesterday. 44 kids behaving *beautifully! *
21. It’s a fantastic story
22. With a great message
23. But fun throughout
24. But hard – however with me they can get it
25. And they’re loving it
26. A 10th grader was there (interning in other class) and she *remembered it from when I read it to her class in third grade 7 years ago! )
27. And the sub for the other class – a wonderful, kind, classy, great teacher whom I respect highly, was so impressed too! I felt good.
28. I – and I’m not being conceited – but I am really the second best “readalouder” I’ve ever met. (MA is better but it was her entire job for 22 years…) Many people read in a boring way, and I’m afraid more overdo it. There must be a subtlety with only the right amount of flair and excitement and an obvious enjoyment on the part of the reader.
29. And – I am also – helping to really unlock the “mysteries” of reading for them. I am very good at this. You see, little children think reading is like magic that some people just have and maybe they don’t. I am careful to point out (without disturbing the story) the clues the author gives for me to speak a certain way…and how they can do that in their writing too. AND the hints on when I’m reading what I can use to help me know what it says… In lessons of course… but I think they get it even better in the “natural, just for fun” readaloud.
30. Nice talk with my sponsor yesterday.
31. I’ve neatened the classroom more
32. And the car a little bit
33. Dr. said I’m doing “very well” and to continue what I’m doing.
34. I’m still keeping the house clean, including making the bed daily and dishes not in sink.
35. I ate healthy raw, vegan food for lunch yesterday.
36. Remembering this morning what I forgot yesterday morning – to take the address of the person I have to mail the important thing to!
37. Hope.
38. The beautiful figure I used to have
39. That I am speaking *my * way now. This hurts but I’ll say it. My way makes J nervous. He got annoyed and 3 times in a row on the phone yesterday asked me to just plain old repeat what I’d said, and I said, “I will. I promise. Let me say it this way.” Because I needed to reverse it and say something else at the beginning of the sentence. But he hates that and 3 x said, “Just repeat it.” And instead of repeating it, I stuck to my way. And the 3rd time he interrupted to say just repeat it, I said, “I promise. I will. Let me say this sentence.” And he said, “I know but” and sighed/huffed but then said, with obvious annoyance, “Just go ahead.” I know this whole thing sounds foolish, but the big point is that I wasn’t hurting anything by adding literally about 8 words to the sentence, and the bigger point is that I was myself despite the fact that J. didn’t like it and it was probably a reminder of how annoying he finds “everything” about me. I think I was annoying, and foolish and could have given in, but it was more important for me at this time to not change to appease J. So there lol. Grateful.
40. That I don’t feel as bad this morning as the last few.
41. I almost quit therapy (money). But maybe yesterday’s session added a lot to why I feel better now.
42. I will give the kids another *great * day today: )
43. Reruns of the Nanny. They are cheerful for me in the morning. I enjoy having them on.
44. That I only have one tv (a possible second one – not sure if words – is hidden away right now – very little portable old thing). Because I would be watching it in every room no matter what. And I don’t want to be – not criticizing anyone who is(!) – a flat-screen-in-every-room person. That would be very bad for me, even if I could afford it.
45. That I have never been starving.
46. Or dehydrated.
47. Weather looks like indoor recess today. If it’s not too many days in a row (for their sake), I like it better that way.
48. My little plaster footprint from dear last doggie. I loved her *so much ! * Very special little girl. Abused but then we rescued her and gave her 9 wonderful years. She was very little. The footprint is actually bigger than her little paw was, because you have to press down, which widens it.
49. That J. did that. For me.
50. And put a picture of me in the special wing chair from my childhood, with her on my lap, next to it.
51. That this memory is not having the pit-in-the-stomach-this-is-killing-me feeling as bad as usual. Almost not, period.
52. When kids come and ask me, “What does this mean?” about little phrases in books that they don’t know yet. Because they’re so young. And there’s such an innocence about it.
53. That I’m loving my job. (Despite all the pressures!)
54. That again, as usual, the parents who came in for trip day before yesterday, and for lesson yesterday, were so impressed with what it’s really like – how lovely and special the classroom is, how hard the job is, how relentlessly I work, …
55. Circles in life (like my possible former-student-French-teacher)
56. And like the 10th grader re-hearing part of her 3rd gr. story yesterday
57. And like the blanket I’m *still * trying to make for the new mother who used to be my student
58. Right now I have the thumb problem (not too bad though), the J grieving, my mother declining so badly and in the hospital again, something wrong intestinally and like hemorrhoid or something and must get to doctor. It’s getting worse and worse. And I’m still fat and working on that. And still working hard to get my pathetic small number of steps in a day better. But – I am aware that these are *not * big problems. Well, some are important, but they could be worse.
59. Yesterday the principal got the necklace and I believe was quite touched.
60. I had no idea how much pain she’s in, and I offered even to drive her to work. But people much nearer where she lives are taking turns.
61. Today I will offer to help her with filing or typing. Her surgery is a very big deal – I had no idea.
62. Thich Nhat Hahn
63. That because of J (and through him, G), I got to study/learn/practice with him.
64. Oceans. Oh, beautiful oceans.
65. Everyone who is trying to save current life forms on our planet.
66. Birth control. Sorry if anyone reading doesn’t believe in it. And I certainly don’t need it now (between not being with anyone AND having had a hysterectomy AND age lol). But our planet cannot support 7, 8, 9, 10 billion people. So I am grateful for birth control.
67. Peace everywhere there is peace.
68. I think I am teaching my children good life lessons (I always do and have been told this by them when older and by parents…) And I can feel it this year.
69. I am generous and grateful for it.
70. I am grateful that I am alive.
71. And that I didn’t kill myself.
72. And for what I’m learning from OA
73. And for what I’m learning from CoDA
74. **And for two people here telling me to have more fun.
75. And that I’m trying to.
76. And for EJ giving me the message about not just trying to change, but to accept myself.
77. And for the exact way my OA sponsor works with me. Telling of own “craziness” etc.
78. And for the nice talk the school psychologist had with me yesterday (about kids etc.)
79. And that I have a degree in psychology
80. And in theology
81. And in teaching, of course
82. And that I used to be able to and did teach piano lessons
83. And that I used to (as an adult) act in plays
84. And assistant direct them
85. And stage manage them
86. And I was good at all three jobs, especially two of them
87. I do have talents! Yay!
88. And I’m registering them. My doctor’s been trying to get me to for years! I’m beginning to - finally - Yay!
89. I will go see my mother at the hospital after school today
90. I started planting the seed last night with her about having to have some help, even though it will cost her money.
91. That you never know – MAYBE someday I’ll have a family. Like, I could wind up being with someone and they could be part of a family and I could get with them
92. Or they could even become my family.
93. Just that I COULD someday be with someone.
94. That I am not AS codependent as I used to be
95. O says we should be able to see each other soon. I miss her so (She’s very very busy with work plus her mother’s in from Russia).
96. The deep breath I just took.
97. Meditation, may I do more.
98. Another teacher asked me to do with her. Yay.
99. This practice of 100 gratitudes a day. It is a very very good thing.
100. The sweet innocence of children.