Grats

I am grateful:

1. JJ’s comment about L. And yes, distraction – good word. I tried to Reply but blogger wouldn’t let me. I do not want long-term! I do not want sex right now! I just want the delight. And I’m honest with him. I don’t know if he is honest with me, or if he even exists lol. But I am delighted that I am delighted by our conversations! Surprised and delighted!
2. So, in terms of what my shrink has always said – that you must have things to look forward to - I’ve started to!
3. I have French weekly
4. And conversations with L. (for now – there’ll be other men I can have friendships with too).
5. And piano
6. And time with friends
7. And doggie on weekend
8. And even exercise.
9. And upcoming vacation which I plan to make spa-like for self (without the expense of going to a spa)
10. And possible trip with O next summer
11. 3 more talks with new therapist (it’s a 5-session thing).
12. Book club next week
13. That’s all a good “start.”
14. Good session with therapist yesterday, I think.
15. I’m learning what *I * like, and becoming more myself.
16. I had a dream last night. About J wanting to go out to dinner with me (in the dream we had always planned to do this on a certain date of the month). That was nice.
17. But – in same dream, he could not accept who I am. Like at the farm (it was a dream) the afternoon before the date, he thought my shirt should be changed because “it’s dirty.” Meanwhile, I had put it on straight from the wash and it was clean of course; the white even sparkled. And he complained because I wasn’t wearing makeup and he expected “at least some color on your lips.” Part of me is grateful for the dream because I don’t live consumed with what J thinks of me anymore. (The other part of me hates myself because for a while I did always let him see me at my worst.)
18. I am worried because I am always my best at work, and then so tired. And middle-aged fat tired doesn’t physically look the same as trim fit thin pretty 23 and tired. A middle-aged fat woman in sweats with hair in ponytail and no makeup does NOT look like a 23 year old in same stuff. So no one would ever want to be around this. But another part of me says: 1) I could spend a little on after-work clothes, and I am losing weight…2) This is for now and is good for me to be free and 3) I cannot undo the past. I’m grateful for THOSE thoughts.
19. M. just wrote. We’re going to a movie on the weekend. Good.
20. Plus I’ll make sure to not bore doggie to death like last time.
21. I read a French picture book. Now more.
22. I will see my mother today. Hard, but I’m grateful.
23. And talk with new therapist tomorrow.
24. Nothing else scary to expect today, I think (visit to mom is uncomfortable and one never knows what to expect).
25. The cousins who love me.
26. Accepting people.
27. My shrink said I’m “doing very well.”
28. My house is still clean every day.
29. I forgot both the garbage and recycling this week, but it’s okay. I really forgot. Plus I’m not obsessed. I have only one bag of garbage and not even one container of recycling right now. And garbage pick-up will be tomorrow, and I’ll remember.
30. I sort of hate who I used to be. But I’m getting over that. Because again, I can’t change the past.
31. I’m okay in the day. And very grateful for that!
32. I am glad I no longer need to try to make everyone love me!
33. I am MUCH less judgmental than I used to be. Almost always, when I find myself starting to judge, compassion takes over instead. And that is worth a lot.
34. I feel so bad about myself today, that it is hard to come up with gratitudes. Time to really do some thinking here. I am grateful that I am not in a concentration camp.
35. Or a prisoner of war camp.
36. Or a prison
37. Or an iron lung
38. Or a third world country
39. That I am not starving
40. That I have all my limbs.
41. That I am not dying right now.
42. That I do not have physical suffering right now.
43. That I have access to plenty of fresh, clean water.
44. That I’ve been to college.
45. And grad school.
46. I have a job
47. And a car
48. And a house
49. And friends who love me and whom I love
50. And part-time doggie. Which is actually nice. Because I get to enjoy her but don’t have to do ALL the work.
51. And I have freedom
52. And I am not alone.
53. And I am not alone in cyberspace
54. And I have hobbies
55. And access to good books.
56. I am grateful for public libraries.
57. And Dale Carnegie for starting them.
58. And drawers
59. And closets. Really.
60. And my feet that are healthy and help carry me about.
61. And my hands that do so much
62. And my French lessons
63. And my upcoming piano lesson
64. And my therapist
65. And my other temporary one
66. And OA
67. And CoDA
68. And you
69. And I am not alone in cyber-space
70. And I AM a whole person
71. And hearing that form you, here.
72. And my Aunt J, who I think is now dying, but who was always good to me
73. And that her not always being good to mother, but to me, helps me see that people can be mixed and I can still love them.
74. That I am not a bigot
75. That I helped that very troubled girl the day before yesterday.
76. That dr. yesterday said I did it just right.
77. Other doggie’s footprint on wall (in frame) here
78. Den
79. Tv
80. L.r. and it’s pretty
81. TWO bouquets of flowers her right now
82. DR breakfront that doesn’t have dishes displayed, but beautiful items.
83. Royal Doulton figurines. The older ones, before it got so commercialized…
84. My father finding special place to take us too in my teens.
85. And to take me too when my mother would be hospitalized.
86. Like the play 1776. That was powerful.
87. And the movie, Gone with the Wind.
88. And that Italian restaurant
89. Stuffed artichokes (vegan, of course) – my favorite food
90. Whole grain bread
91. Fruit. Fresh fruit.
92. Green beans
93. My mother loved the soup.
94. And is happy that there’s more.
95. I can relax tonight.
96. I can give the kiddies a great day today.
97. K.
98. My principal
99. My superintendent, who is out there fighting the good fight
100. And our board of ed, who supports him in that fight