I am grateful:
1. That today (it is still Jan 13), although I’d rather not have been up and out of bed at 3:10, I did kind of enjoy the early-morning-before-everyone-else-is-up feelings, especially taking the garbage out. As the child of a schizophrenic mother, I always hated that feeling of being alone while “the world around me” was asleep, because that meant my crazy house was up and normal, safe places were cozily sleeping. So I’m *very * grateful that I could experience this pleasure in it today for a bit.
2. *That * I took the garbage out. : )
3. Now it’s the 14th
4. J dropped off dog yesterday
5. Yay I have her
6. And – I didn’t have to pick her up
7. Thank goodness I *heard * when the fency thing went down! So I was able to get out there and fix it so she an’t get out to the street! Phew.
8. Sleeping next to her last night was so good.
9. Three days off.
10. Mother doing *very * well in hospital.
11. Other than visiting her, which should be nice
12. And food shopping, which be nice
13. And laundry, which is nice
14. And walking the dog, which is good for me too
15. And reading a 700 page book – but it’s good and a pretty easy read
16. And one OA meeting, but that’s very good for me
17. I have no obligations. That may sound like some, but it leaves some “down time.”
18. And – my new therapist re-scheduled for Monday. Phew.
19. Plants.
20. That I will re-pot wome soon
21. Hot coffee this morning
22. My breath.
23. Especially the deep ones.
24. Give doggie her massage this am : ) She loves it : )
25. And her treat. She loves it : )
26. Candles (not beeswax).
27. I think I shall light a fire in the fireplace today : )
28. And read in the living room
29. And take a bubble bath
30. And cook a few healthy things
31. I will get to talk to MA today and see how her cath went yesterday
32. *** M encouraged – not so much pushed, bug really encouraged me – to open up to Jo, who of course is very very smart and had already guessed or maybe seen this blog, I don’t know. But I have *always * felt so strongly toward Jo. And I was a wreck during my prep time yesterday, and misplacing things, and had missed a course with her the day before (as well as my first therapy session) . . . so I cried and shared. And I’m glad I did.
33. She was so supportive.
34. And she shared some stuff too.
35. And it also, actually taught me, concretely, how worthless jealousy is. I have always envied something about a situation of hers. Come to find out, it’s not at all what I thought anyway.
36. God
37. Buddha
38. Veganism
39. Maybe I can find a way, now that I’m not 100 % focused on J, to do more for other animals. ? Don’t know what. But the thought is a start.
40. Yesterday I desperately wanted to binge. But I didn’t do it. Thank God.
41. Online boggle
42. TV
43. Many lights on in the den this morning. I need/want/like the light today.
44. Still healthy foods in freezer. Yay
45. *My mom has *finally * agreed to go to rehab!
46. Water-smoothed stones
47. Tr
48. Me being available/able/trustworthy to help friend in need right now.
49. Principal talking to me and M yesterday about how she *never * gets a parent complaint/problem with us because we deal with situations so beautifully without escalating them (lots of drama potential but we avoid) (((wish I’d done that here : ( )))But the gratitude is that we manage it there
50. The fairy tale unit work I’m doing with both classes. M says it’s a bigger gift to her than diamonds.
51. Meanwhile, it is something I *truly * look forward to!
52. It is fun.
53. They behave beautifully.
54. They are loving it.
55. It is my favorite story. The one that made me feel good every night in my room with the built-in bookshelves and booklight when my mother’s crazies were first showing up bigtime.
56. And it is creative!
57. We’re writing and performing rap songs about it! I *love * *every * part of this part of the job!
58. Water. Always grateful for water.
59. And hope. Always always grateful for hope.
60. Neatness in house. Finally and yay. This will be the first time I watch Hoarders show (whatever next time is that I watch), when I’m not thinking, “If they could clean up that, I can clean up this.” Rather, just watching.
61. And this morning – right now – is the FIRST TIME *EVER * I am watching Sell This House (one of my favorite ever shows), without envy. Out of the corner of my eye I see my pretty living room – not clutter! Oh, I’m so thankful for that.
62. Simplicity. The amount of it I can find.
63. And I have started to incorporate it.
64. Beaches.
65. Seriously considering Russia next summer with O.
66. And bird rescue as soon as I find one
67. And starting French lessons on the 23rd
68. And playing in that recital in May. I keep feeling like there’s a fifth thing – but I can’t remember it.
69. I don’t feel well. So exhausted lately. Truly. And mixed with the stress, I have mixed up appointments and misplaced and lost some things and had near accidents – almost didn’t think could drive to work yesterday – and lots of things like that. At times literally physically cannot see straight. But – I think I will see doctor about it within a week.
70. Must stop and have water and breakfast now. Grateful that can.
71. Oatmeal. I just had some. I still feel ravenous but that MUST be emotional because oatmeal is healthy and has nutrients.
72. I am now having very very very watered-down grape juice.
73. I will have my vitamins and stop eating until lunch.
74. If I am still dying for something, I will see here all cozy and have some flower tea (blooming tea).
75. I am aware that these are kind of luxury problems.
76. Sleep. Sleep when I get sleep.
77. Friends. So grateful for friends.
78. Although my house is teeny tiny and I do mean that, and it needs work, and I do mean that: *I * paid/pay for it all by myself! And I’m proud of that.
79. And it does have hardwood floors
80. And a fireplace xo
81. And charm
82. Some beams
83. Some of those 1926 blue and white windows
84. Built-ins next to fireplace
85. Nice windows – must give credit – J put many of them in himself.
86. And it’s mine. (Oh God, may it stay that way).
87. And a doorbell. Yes, I am truly grateful for my nice doorbell.
88. And K. noticed my gorgeous switchplates in the more traditional (less contemporary) spaces.
89. And a sunroom. Oh. Deep breath. Finally.
90. And a yard.
91. Maybe someday I can afford a fence/gate instead of old plastic table and stone piles for doggie to be safe from getting out: )
92. Polka-dots. They make me feel cheerful. Like on ribbon, on children, on linings, on accessories… Maybe I’ll someday get some on napkins or something.
93. Or paint some on plant pots or something.
94. Or on canvas and I’ll hang it in the den or something.
95. Because the truth is, I can do whatever the fuck I want. He doesn’t want to live here = he doesn’t have to like it!
96. I will practice piano today!
97. Prayer
98. Meditation, including my “new” kind.
99. The help through e-mail of the new therapist so far already.
100. Thich Nhat Hahn.
101. Martin Luther King
102. That I think I really help my students – every year – every age – understand more deeply how to not be bigoted at all. I teach students of all races, religions, ethnicities. But by far the fewest are African Americans. But I do believe I am helping them all with all racial, ethnic, religious,… prejudices. Thank God I am.
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