CoDA Morning Work Today

Thank you, God, for this day.

I woke up and I feel:

Stomach sinking.
Numb.
Don't want to face feelings.

But know must do the magnet feelings box work.

But have to call sponsor in five minutes.

Maybe just will do this after that call, just this once.

Okay. Have talked to sponsor and even done some gratitudes.
Now I can do this today.

I feel:

Lonely, Regretful, Estranged, Lonesome
AND
Grateful, Sacred, Healthy, Affirmed, Fantastic, Unencumbered, Secure, Blessed, Optimistic

I think it is because:
Lonely without J and without family and without Thanksgiving plans. First time in almost 30 years.
Regretful for not seeing this coming and preventing it in my marriage.
Estranged from J and his family. I hate that feeling.
Lonesome. Well, obvious

Grateful because of all I have that I am aware of. Like things to do. NOT in an iron lung...
Sacred because I am God's.
Healthy and grateful for it. breath coming better. All that rest must have helped.
Affirmed because M. called first thing and great talk with sponsor. Will probably also talk with MA. and with mother. And all of that means, my whole life, feeling, everything, is NOT ALL about ONLY J.
Fantastic. Hard to believe, right? But not worrying about my mother (although in the middle of this we just spoke, and she does NOT have plans after all, but will still probably see her best friend and feels absolutely fine. Plus - I don't want to make her sick with my throat and coughing stuff so okay. So, fantastic, in a way, because really okay. And free to do whatever the fuck I want.
Unencumbered. Because it's like, the feeling of being encumbered, is bullshit. With what am I encumbered? I have a brain, and an education, and my senses, and a home, and food and water and shelter and a car. And talents. I'm not really so encumbered am I?
Secure. Because I have God. And some good people too. And life is only really available in the present moment. And in the present moment I'm fine. So, secure. The future doesn't exist. And in this moment I'm secure and fine. This moment.
Blessed. With so much. Including this bit of relief.
Optimistic. Because I will learn to be okay on my own.
And then, IF I WANT, I can be okay WITH someone. But okay.
So I don't know what the future holds, but there's no reason to not assume it's good, and then forget about it.

Thank you God, for this Thanksgiving Day.



I always do NOT relate when they talk in CoDA about caring more for others than self. Yet I *do * do that too. And I'm glad. Because in one way, it makes me feel better about myself, even though I need to stop,
and in another way, it means there's really nothing to which i can't relate in this program.
The thing with my mother this week has made me realize this.
And maybe today, I'm feeling like, I can really just care for myself.
Good.