Grats

I am grateful:

1. I am alive.
2. They say where there is life there’s hope.
3. OA yesterday
4. CoDA yesterday
5. Although I feel so horrible today, I wasn’t quite as bad last night.
6. This exhaustion can serve as a reminder of how important getting enough sleep is – and has always been – to me.
7. Hope.
8. Program
9. God.
10. Br, the new member in our CoDA group.
11. Today’s For Today: “Hope is the risk that must be run.” Georges Bernanos
12. “Have I tried and failed?” Yup.
13. “Try again.” True.
14. “The Big book says, ‘If you have decided you want what we have and are wiling to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps.’
15. “Going to ny length means taking twelve specific steps,
16. “one day at a time,
17. “and never being finished.” Okay.
18. “In the process, sanity will be restored” Oh please be true!
19. “and abstinence will become a reality.”
20. “Hope and willingness are the springboards to recovery.” Well I have those. But I want more than physical recovery. I want the sanity! From both programs. Well, they do promise…
21. “the hope of being healed of my illness is a risk I’m willing to run today and every day.” Yes.
22. “For today: I have hope, or I wouldn’t be in OA. Do I have the willingness to take that leap into the steps: into abstinence?” Yes. But please God, give me the sanity. The okayness.
23. Today’s Voices of Recovery: …”If I am too busy to pray, I’m busier than God intended me to be.
24. “When fear enters in, I remind myself that God did not give me the spirit of fear.
25. “In my quiet time I hear, ‘Fear not!’
26. “In the quietness of my mind, God gives me courage and peace.” May that please be true, because I’m so afraid of the quiet of my mind.
27. Maybe today I’ll meditate with the kids for a few minutes.
28. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I take calculated risks.” Whatever that means. Let’s see. I mean it makes sense enough that I am grateful for the sentence. Let’s look ahead.
29. It goes on to say, “In my past, I was afraid to take risks.
30. …”I now realize that playing it safe has greatly limited my choices in life.” Yes. So true.
31. “Goind from one extreme to another is not the solution.” True.
32. “I take the middle path. I don’t have to be foolhardy and dive into a pool without first checking to see if it contains water. I take small steps, small risks, and learn what works for me now.
33. “When I spend time thinking aobut the pros and cons of a problem, I am able to determine what solution is best for me and then act on it.”
34. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Go back to the Steps. Go back to a Step.
35. “When we don’t know what to do next, when we feel confused, upset, distraught, at the end of our rope, overwhelmed, full of self-will, rage, or despair, go back to the Steps.
36. “No matter what situation we are facing, working a Step will help. Focus on one, trust your instincts, and work it.
37. “What does it mean to work a Step? Think about it. Meditate on it. Instead of focusing on the confusion, the problems, or the situation causing our despair or rage, focus on the Step.
38. “Think about how that Step might apply.
39. “Hold onto to it.
40. “Hang on as tightly as we hang on to our confusion or the problem.” This is good. Helpful even.
41. “The Steps are a solution.
42. “They work.
43. “We can trust them to work.
44. “We can trust where the Steps will lead us.
45. “When we don’t know what step to take next, take one of the Twelve.
46. “Today, I will concentrate on using the Twelve Steps to solve problems and keep me in balance and harmony.
47. “I will work a Step to the best of my ability.
48. “I will learn to trust the Steps, and rely on them instead of on my protective, codependent behaviors.”
49. This sounds good. For today, since I feel as if I’m about to have a nervous breakdown or something, maybe I can’t quite work on step 8. But I can do/remember/workon the shortcut of the first three: I can’t; God can; let God. Yes. That’s what I’ll do.
50. Bic Wide Body pens. They are easier for my neck and hands.
51. My talk with K last night and how we’re doing more book stuff at the meetings (CoDA) like step, she’s now open to tradition, and we’re looking into big book.
52. My eyelashes. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of that before. But they help keep foreign objects from getting in my eyes.
53. The brilliant design of the human body altogether.
54. Spelling and other safe, easy-ish, fun, simple, comforting things my kids might get to do today. For me.
55. I am grateful that I can see.
56. I am grateful that I am eating better.
57. I am grateful that I have the furnace and heat now.
58. I am grateful that I have clothes for work.
59. And that they are clean.
60. And that garbage pick-up comes tomorrow.
61. And that, being *so * tired, I *can * come home and lie down today.
62. And that my dr. will come this Wed.
63. And that maybe J. will change his mind.
64. And that although I feel like death right now, in some little ways I have been becoming stronger.
65. Sleep when I get it.
66. That I *can * sleep.
67. Sofas
68. Nails. Finger and toes. They’re protective.
69. Bras
70. Spinach
71. Carrots
72. Hummus
73. That I’m free, as in, never been in jail or prison or war or anything like that.
74. Stores.
75. Small business Saturday.
76. Cyber-shopping Monday. I won’t use it, I’m sure, but I’m glad it exists.
77. J. helping with the microwave.
78. Need more gratitudes. Need more graitudes. Um. A working tv.
79. That I’m not overly materialistic (like I don’t need multiple tv’s, or flat-screen tv’s…)
80. Good friends.
81. Support when I ‘m desperate.
82. Laughter.
83. My hands and all they can do, including this typing.
84. Healthy food for today.
85. Voice. I remember when I couldn’t speak for the better part of 8 months.
86. Maybe God will help me.
87. People who pray for me.
88. That I pray for others.
89. Lovely airplane flights I’ve taken. Long ago.
90. That before, when J. didn’t think he wanted to be with me, he changed his mind. And I was so surprised that day I found out. And it lasted for decades.
91. Maybe that will happen again.
92. That, despite my depression, and I don’t understand why, but K and O and others find me “delightful” to be around.
93. I have to get to a hundred. I have to. Okay. Elephants
94. Monkeys
95. Koko the gorilla.
96. A car that works.
97. Buddha
98. Thich Naht Hahn
99. The little bit of zen training I’ve gotten
100. When J and I used to take tai chi together.