CoDA Work Today

God, thank you for the day.

I woke up and I feel:

Unstable, low, abandoned, lonely, upset, wounded, deflated, rejected, fearful, sad, neglected, bothered, betrayed, imprisoned, ill, scared, envious, worried, depressed, helpless, shaky, frustrated, antisocial, amorous
AND
Humble, broken, powerless, defeated
AND
Blessed, grateful, sacred

I think it is because:
J.
Plus he seemed concerned about me that I didn't sound right on the phone when he called yesterday, but he never called later to see if I was ok or anything.
I'm really alone. And I'm not enough. I don't trust me to keep me alive.
I have found, the last few days, that the only thing that relieves anything is pigging out and sleeping. And of course that can't have helped my mood.
But God is there/here. He must be.
And it helped that M. said to go there anytime. Eat, sleep, etc. And that she genuinely loves me...And her whole family. And they will fit me even if other(s) are staying...Helped me feel so not totally alone.

I acted out co-dependently:
Overeating and sleeping.
Keeping my car such a mess that I couldn't fit my mother and her friend in there yesterday.

I think I will do differently next time:
I don't know. I'm too depressed to imagine actually *doing* anything.
I *should* clean the car etc.